Listen, the most awesome person to ever come into a dive bar I happened to be at was selling empanadas. So these tips are based on dreams and guesswork. But I figured I should start the brainstorm going, guys, because OMG, RED ALERT, Barack Obama could walk into a bar near you at any time! He wants us on our toes! “America, I want you to order a pitcher while remaining on your toes.” – my impression of Barack Obama.
Well, no probl-em-o, Mr. President! Here are some tips so that we are all ready.
Make a goofy face in your picture with him. It’s dive bar tradition to make goofy faces in pictures. President Obama has willingly entered into that sacred happy-hour trust. He WANTS you to make a funny face. He will just make a normal Barack Obama face, though. That’s also dive bar tradition, it just doesn’t come up much.
If he gets up to use the restroom, make sure to make a crack about him visiting the oval office. Obviously.
Make a lot of puns, actually. They are safe and I think they put politicians at ease, you know? Say, like, “You have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of Heineken.” Then wink and nudge him with your elbow so he knows you’re the fun guy.
Somebody needs to put ‘Let’s Stay Together’ on the juke box. I saw a YouTube video once where he sang it and he just really seemed more himself than he had in YEARS. He’d be tickled to hear it, I’m sure. It’d be thoughtful of you.
Stand up straight. Listen to your mother.
If you are bartending, card him. Everyone will love it!
If you are the resident drunk who sits at the bar alone all day staring into oblivion, don’t break character. You’re part of the experience! After he leaves, you can laugh all you want, but please keep a straight, curmudgeon face while the President is in your presence. It’s your duty! This is America! Bonus points if you wanna act annoyed at the extra ruckus disturbing the peace at YOUR bar.
Offer to buy Secret Service a round of shots. They are the ultimate dive bar Wing Men and Women. Show them respect as such.
Have a fun conversation starter on hand so he doesn’t think you’re a total square. Here are some ideas.
“Do you come here often?”
“Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven?” Then wink.
“Romney is being such a buzzkill right now, right? All, like, challenging you and shiz. I mean, what is up with him? You can talk to me. I am a vault.” Then wink and nudge him with your elbow so he knows you’re the fun guy.
Don’t talk politics. That’s just rude.