Tales of a Semi-Professional LesbianFrom Straight Girl to Bisexual: This Time, it's SeriousNicol Paone

Okay, so I must admit I was a little hesitant to write another post about my bisexuality; I’m just being honest here. After my first post went up, I was accused of slut shaming (I would never), being immature (quite possible), pushing the LGBT fight back to the stone ages (please don’t give me that much credit), being uninformed and ridiculous for wanting a party (who doesn’t want a party?!) and for talking about boobs way too much (I will not stop!). Boobs! Boobs! Boobs!

First of all, I never claimed to be the knower of all things bisexual. This article is my experience and my experience only. You do not have to read it. But I encourage you to do so, because I’ve learned a lot from your comments, good and bad, and you can, too. I think if something really bothers you about anything I’ve written, then we can learn from each other without paying tuition, so what’s the harm? I’ve learned that I agree with many of you who wrote to me and said I should be called “The Ambassador of Bisexuality.” I humbly accept. Not because I’m adorable, but because I will be completely honest about this all too important subject, even to an embarrassing degree.

I do think we have so much to talk about. And yes, I could sit here and tell you my frat stories about how a straight friend decided to drive all the way out to Palm Springs to The Dinah Shore Ladies Weekend to “hunt me down and hook up with me” after taking five tabs of ecstasy and explain what that looked like. She was extremely hot and was wearing a bikini top at the time and clung to my arm, causing me to at some point think that she should call me Escobar, but most of the night went like this:  She ate an apple and bit my skin while I pretended to be asleep. Woooo! So exciting. I could go into all that fun silly stuff, but I think that there are so many more important things to talk about, especially here on HelloGiggles. So I’m going to save my frat stories for my book of short embarrassing bisexual frat stories by Escobar.

We have more important, more serious stuff to talk about. We have the opportunity to connect and share fears, feelings and help get each other through some confusing uncharted sexual personal issues or questions. (Like how many bisexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: None. We don’t screw, we make love.)

I was really shocked with how many of you wrote to me asking questions and trusting me with some deep personal stories. Really. My first thought was, how did you get my email address? And, look as silly as I can be about this stuff sometimes, I do think there is a larger responsibility we all have to each other. God, I really resent that some of your comments made me grow up. Grrrrrrr. Boobs. Grrrrrr.

So, all joking about boobs and ecstasy aside, I’m going to start this off by answering the very first question that was asked of me from someone who was brave enough to share her question. I’m not going to disclose her name as her privacy was very important to her, so from now on we will just call her Curi #1.

Here’s what C1 wrote:

Thank you for your column, I really don’t have anyone in my family nor friends to ask these types of questions with because of how I know their beliefs are. I consider this a pretty deep, personal, private question, but do you think it’s normal / believable / justifiable to want to experience some kind of emotional and physical love from another women while say in college but eventually know that you want to marry a man one day to settle down with?

Dear C 1,

First of all thank you for sharing your personal thoughts with me, a total stranger. I think it’s just amazing how two people can connect like this and feel comfortable to do so, in front of hundreds of thousands of people. We are tremendous. We should throw ourselves a party.

To answer your question:  Yes, I think it’s perfectly normal to want to experience some kind of emotional and physical love from another women in college. But it doesn’t have to be limited to college. What about grad school?

I think your feelings are totally normal and shouldn’t be relegated to any time period in your life. I do have a problem with the rest of your question though:  It reads as fear-based (in my opinion)  because there is no way you can truly KNOW who you want to marry until that person walks into your life. So why limit yourself and have that in your head?  Why not be open to whatever your experience in life brings to you? I’m questioning you “knowing” that you want to marry a man. Are you protecting yourself because you want to fit in with the rest of society? I totally get that because I,  too felt relief when I liked a man again after being with a woman. I felt happy that I wasn’t “abnormal” or any other deviant label that society puts on it.

I think it’s okay to think that you want to marry a man, sure but I’m cautioning you with being firm on this because I think that if you have a curiosity about women then you should be open to whatever it brings to you and your life. If you have it in your head that you want to marry a man then you might hold back your feelings with a woman and not truly give which means you won’t truly get. Make sense? Like if I held back and didn’t move in with my first girlfriend, I would have never been introduced to her cat, lazy boy and her extreme love for baseball statistics. And after two years of living with her, I never would have realized that I was allergic to cats! How beautiful is that.  I had scratchy eyes for two years and didn’t realize why.

What I am trying to say is…don’t hold back or put any labels on who you want to fall in love with and/or marry. We do not live on paper and as much as you may try, you cannot pick who you fall in love with. I think Katherine Hepburn said that. I don’t know who said this quote or from what ideology it comes from but I love it because it scares me into changing things up and growing:  Fear often arises as a barometer of what we should be doing. I totally believe this to be true. [When used with good judgment and safety]

And to those in your life who have different beliefs than you and would judge you, I can only say that you are here on this earth to live your movie and no one else’s. People may be in your movie so they can learn and change by the way you live openly and honestly. That’s really the only thing that you are here for. So why not do it?

Love, The Ambassador

Here are two other articles that illustrate my points further that think you will find interesting as well:

Religion & Homosexiness – I Have a Lot of Feelings

Dear Classmates, Don’t Insult Someone’s Sexuality

comments

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  1. Thank you for writing this :) I’m bisexual too and it wasn’t that easy to figure out what i am, quite a while i thought i have to “choose a side”, women OR men… And i also thought that if i like women i also have to look like it, so i became very butch, but it wasn’t me, and now i feel comfortable to be what i am. I feel like people still have weird expectations about bisexuals, some straight men think “oh finally a possibility for threesome” and some lesbians seem to think us as traitors. I don’t want to “fool around” with women so that i could turn on some guy and even if i have a boyfriend now, it doesn’t mean that i don’t like women anymore. It’s just so much easier to find a straight/bi-guy whom i’m attracted to, than a lesbian/bisexual girl to whom i have feelings for, there just are more straight/bi-guys, than lesbian/bi-girls AND usually i fall for straight girls :/ It’s good that you’re talking about this subject and thank you for that :)

  2. I am a lesbian and I love me some bisexuals! Especially OUT bisexuals. Takes big balls to come out but even bigger balls to come out as a bisexual.

    Both straight and gay people give bisexuals grief and it’s not okay. Grow up p and worry about your own sexual identity. And to all of the lesbians who have been screwed over by a bisexual, I am sure you’ve been screwed by lesbians as well.

    Thank you for posting this.

  3. Nicol, I’m glad that you decided to post this article regardless of the grief you may have received before, because it’s important to share these stories and have forums where information can be shared. Knowledge is power and frees us from oppressions. I understand lesbian’s feeling skeptical to date a bisexual woman out of fear that she will eventually leave the relationship for a man. However, as valid as that may be, that is her issue/prerogative, not yours, as a bisexual woman. To C1, I agree with the previous comment that you should be honest. If the lesbian woman chooses to date you anyway, right on! If she doesn’t, that’s her right. But if you KNOW in your heart that what you want is only casual, just be honest. This applies not only in your situation, but in ANY situation. It’s only fair that we are honest with all our partners of our wants and expectations regardless of who we are and who we date – it’s just the right thing to do. Many lesbians I know, before labeling themselves lesbians, were “bisexual” at some point because society wasn’t’ as open minded about this as it is today. It somehow made it a little more acceptable to others if you were bi as opposed to full out lesbian. I know lesbians who never had sex with men that called themselves bisexual. I’ve also known straight women who have fallen in love with a woman or two in their lives but it just didn’t work out. Labels are the worst thing sometimes. Sexuality is a spectrum that covers all types of preferences. After all, no two people in the world are exactly alike…so in my opinion, labels just can’t cover everyone. Maybe don’t think too much about the future, enjoy the now and do what feels right now, and keep an open heart. I have a feeling you’re about to embark for the ride of your life!!

  4. Ah, the plight of the LUG… Here’s my take, as a lesbian who has loved and lost a few LUGs in my day: If you want to just have fun and mess around during your college days, but feel confident that marrying a man suits you better… please, please, please date a woman who feels the same way. In other words, don’t date a lesbian. ;) Honesty always helps too, so make sure you are always up front with the women you get involved with. Oh, and what Nicol said! You never know WHO is going to end up sweeping you off of your feet. It might just be a knight in shining armor… with a detachable penis.