Tales of a Semi-Professional Lesbian From Straight Girl to Bisexual: How I Fell for My Best Friend and Her Boobs Nicol Paone

Hello Friends.  First of all I would like you to imagine me on a children’s rocking horse, which happens to be located at the top of a ten-foot slide.  The bottom of that slide is three feet from wherever you are reading this post.  Imagine hearing a fun circus-type whistle and BOOM – I’m flying right at you; this is how I would like to enter your world if you will allow me to do so.  The reality is that I’ll be writing this column from my apartment in Echo Park, Los Angeles, where ‘La Cucaracha’ is currently playing via car horn for the sixth time today.

Okay, so blah blah blah, my best friend’s boobs.  Four short years ago I was a straight.  Today, I am a bisexual lesbian.   Girl, we need to talk.  So much has happened. Where have you been? Why didn’t I realize sooner in life?  I’m in my thirties.  What took so long?  Seriously.

Let’s get back to my best friend’s boobs.

It all happened so quickly.  One day I was sitting on the couch with my best friend and the thought of kissing her or any other woman had never occurred to me until that moment.  So I asked her if I could.  She said no.  She didn’t feel that way about me.  She felt emotionally connected to me, but not physically.  Fine.  But that didn’t stop me from exploring those feelings.  She and I hooked up a tiny bit and did agree that we were dating emotionally, just not physically.  Truthfully, I just don’t know how she could resist me – I am quite adorable.

The good thing about all this is that it’s led me to love.  What could be so wrong with that?  I’m happy to say though that back then I wasn’t scared of the impulse, it was nice to like something new. (Boobs.)  I didn’t judge the feeling, either.  I just thought, maybe I should look into this. (Boobs.)  I did and here I am: a bisexual lesbian.   Ain’t no thang, baby.  (I’ll stop with the boobs.)

I need to amend my ‘La Cucaracha’ comment: make that eight times today. I was just lucky enough to get a double dose.  Thank you, Echo Park.

I’m excited to write this column because I think there are some people who are confused sexually and politically.  But don’t worry, I’m not here to preach, sheeps.  But I might be here to brag.  I guess I’m proud that I’ve made sweet beautiful love to both sexes and can firmly say that I truly satisfy both.  Not many people can say that.  I can, baby.  Jazz hands.

I’m not saying that I’ve slept with a lot of people.  Calm down and go soak your tampons in some more alcohol.  Drinking through your mouth is ten minutes ago.  ALL I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT I’VE HAD A LOT OF SEX IN MY LIFE with a limited number of partners belonging to BOTH sexes.  And I’m saying this because I think I deserve at least a plaque or something?

In case you’re keeping score, I can count the amount of people I’ve slept with on two hands.  Which is no small feat in this post-Jersey Shore, call a taxi and run era.  (I actually just stopped writing this to count the amount of people I’ve been with to make sure my testimony is accurate.  The numbers are in: Look Mom, TWO HANDS!!)

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  1. I loved this–I know I’m late to the party, but it’s nice to learn there’s someone else on the save wavelength–boobs and all!

    • haha! yes there is and I think it’s important that we all share how we are feeling. It’s the only way to make things okay, front and center. Although that’s not my favorite position. :) I will be answering some questions in the next post so if you have any, have at it!

      Nicol Paone | 8/07/2012 03:08 pm
  2. good!

  3. Sexuality is something far greater than we as human beings will ever understand. She identifies as a bisexual lesbian. I don’t see a problem with that. I like women but could never date one. What does that make me? I would probably never have sex with one but yet I still look at women. What does that make me? You see? Sexuality is complex. Just be yourself.

  4. Although I’ve only ever been sexually attracted to men, I like to think that if I met the right girl, I’d fall in love with her and super enjoy fun times with her boobies. I will give you the party you deserve for being willing to follow your heart, even if it lead you to places you didn’t expect. Like to Cleavage Town.

    • Thank you Becky! May Cleavage Town be the name of the next town I live in!

      Nicol Paone | 7/31/2012 01:07 pm
  5. Well done. I have no issue with the term “bisexual lesbian,” and I’m deeply annoyed by the pedantic, black & white thinking seen in some of the posts above. As a “bisexual gay man” who has enjoyed sex with both men and women (who can NOT count my conquests on my digits, sadly) I DID have a choice. And that choice was made for me when I fell in love with the most wonderful human being on the planet, who happened to be male. I identify only as “gay” now, because after 19 years it would sound ridiculous to claim otherwise, and even offensive to my amazing husband (who has been incredibly supportive in every way imaginable, not to mention extremely tolerant of my mostly heterosexual porn collection.) Pandering to the conservative retards in this country by forcing gays, lesbians and bisexuals to tow some party line regarding Nature vs. Nurture is ridiculous AND offensive. Those who hate us will continue hating us and working to oppress us regardless of how much scientific evidence of genetic origin for sexuality is provided to them. These are the same dumb fucks who believe man rode dinosaurs, and they will ignore any truth, whatever that happens to be. Global warming, anyone? Thanks, Nicol. Very fun piece…looking forward to more.

  6. Regarding the “bisexual lesbian” label: it’s completely possible that the author means “homoromantic bisexual” in that she only wants relationships with women, is only romantically attracted to women, and wants to spend the rest of her life with a woman, but is perfectly happy to have sex (but not a relationship) with a man if she finds him sexually attractive. It’s also possible that she refers to herself as a bisexual lesbian because she is bisexual but is CURRENTLY in a relationship with a woman, although in that case I think the label isn’t accurate. In that case, she would simply be bisexual.

  7. I’m excited for more posts on this colum! I’m a straight woman and have been married to my husband for almost a year. No one has ever felt the need to label me, and I feel like the same respect should be bestowed to everyone else from any walk of life. Also, I like boobs. My husband likes boobs. I mean, whats with the stance against boobs…

  8. People get to define their own lives and experiences. Back off.

  9. I myself am a bisexual currently in a relationship with my best friend (boobs, right?) and although I do see why some of the commenters feel the need to proclaim that sexuality can never be chosen, that´s not my experience. Most of us are “born this way”, but there are quite a few who chose to become bisexual, because they feel more emotionally attatched to their own sex and therefore CHOSE to live in that relationship. Some have sex, some don´t. Please, let everyone be the way that they are born and/or the way that they chose! Don´t force labels onto one another! (Sorry if I´m too serious here, but, with this said-boobs!)

  10. Oh and Nic, you are fabulous. Keep doing what are doing.

  11. I am a Star Wars nerd AND I love boobs too!

  12. I love this article. It’s refreshing to see a humorous, light-hearted narrative of a person’s sexual development. I too recently embraced my bisexuality; I’m feeling an internet kinship with you! Your writing may not be politically correct, but it’s fun, and not too dry like the academic article some people leaving negative comments must have been expecting.

  13. Thank you to so many of you for your positive thought provoking comments. I’m excited to talk about this because there is a lot of work to do in the world to get to a place where sexual orientation isn’t an issue for anyone. As far as the negative comments, I’ll say this first: wow ladies, have a drink! Then I will say thank you. Those comments are what help me to grow, although I don’t think that was your intention. BOOBS.

    Nicol Paone | 7/30/2012 05:07 pm
  14. I am sometimes in awe of my bi-sexual friends. They get to be simply sexual. I am as limited in my options as my gay friends are…but the bi-sexuals get to enjoy life and love from every perspective and savor it all from BOTH sides. (pun definitely intended)

  15. I think the problem is that people continue to think they have to label themselves as straight or gay or bisexual etc. We need to grow up and realize that it shouldn’t matter. Why put a label on it. I’ve known a couple girls who were in relationships with guys all their lives, never been with a girl or been attracted to a girl, and then one day they met someone who just happened to be a girl and they fell in love. What I’m trying to say is that we need to stop labelling it as whatever and just love who we feel like loving, that’s the right thing to do. If you find the right person, you find the right person, simple as that.

  16. “In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality: the ideal should be to be capable of loving a woman or a man; either, a human being, without feeling fear, restraint, or obligation.” — Simone de Beauvoir

  17. Sheesh a lot of people got their panties in a bunch about this. Boobs ARE amazing!! Bickering about labels is barbaric. Sexuality is complex and this is OBVIOUSLY a hilarious exaggeration of an honest experience. Boob boobs boobie boobs.

  18. Boobs are great. As are Star Wars nerds. Love is love, girl – you tell ‘em!

  19. I am really glad hellogiggles is tackling this issue and starting such an important conversation. I’m 30 and in a devoted relationship with a guy and am just coming to terms with liking girls, too. I have never said this to anyone before. A gay guy friend once told me there’s no such thing as being bisexual–you are gay or not. I thought he was the “authority,” but now I see I just have to be who I am and not worry so much what others might think. Thanks for providing the framework for us to discuss this here.

  20. It seems to me that people make it their job to be offended by things. If you identify as a bisexual lesbian, then that is what you identify as. What does it matter if others do not agree with the term … it is your sexuality, not theirs.

    Also, boobs.

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