I'm new here and I would love some feedback

[PaulinedeGr]

Hiya,

My name is Pauline and I signed up with this lovely website just a minute ago. I feel this is going to be a website I will visit daily

Now my real purpose of posting this topic:
I recently started writing poems in English, I have written a couple in my first language - Dutch - but now I am looking for a bit of feedback (grammar, use of words and such)

Please share your thoughts with me.


Who I am
I want everything, but I have only little
I want to be an extreme, but I’m right in the middle
I’m moody, I’m swinging. I am quite a lot
I’m left, I’m right and I’m right on top
Contradiction is part of my last name
But I’m also pretty much the same
I have a body, I have a mind
Although it’s a slightly different kind

I dream, I dream, I fantasize
There’s so much more than we realise
All I need is just a smile
Cute and subtle like a child’s
To make me happy and prove to me
You don’t care how I will be
Whether I am a woman or a man
Until the end I am who I am

[mcgrathea]

This is great for writing in a second language! I don't know how long you have been speaking and writing English, but it's really awesome that you understand it enough to make slant rhyme (lot/top) as well as regular rhyme.

I will make some edits on English phrases and grammar and I will italicize the edits, but they are mostly either suggestions or about using periods and commas so do not be discouraged!

Phrasing:
You say "Contradiction is part of my last name" and that is a perfect statement, but there is a very similar statement, in American English at least, where people say "middle name" in place of "last name" when talking about something that describes them. So, usually, a person might say "contradiction is my middle name" in place of "contradiction is part of my last name"

"but I have only little":
English speakers would more likely say "but I only have a little" or "but I have little".

"I want to be an extreme, but I’m right in the middle":
This statement is perfect as it is, but something that might sound better (if you don't mind abandoning the rhyme with "little") is:

I want to be an extreme,
but I'm right in between.


Grammar:
In most English poetry, the grammar is like any other sentence, except it has line-breaks.
For example:

I want everything, but I have only little. <---- there would be a period at the end of that
thought.
I want to be an extreme, but I’m right in the middle. <---- And a period here.
I’m moody.
I’m swinging.
I am quite a lot.<---- I, personally, would make each "I'm____" a separate line with periods if each
is a complete thought, but it is not necessary.

I’m left, I’m right and I’m right on top.<----period
Contradiction is part of my last name,<-----comma, because the next line starts with "but".
But I’m also pretty much the same.<----period
I have a body, I have a mind,<----comma, because the word "Although" is used like the word
"But"
Although it’s a slightly different kind.<--- period

This is a VERY good poem for a second language. I am in school to be an English Teacher, and you have a very good grasp on different techniques already

I hope to see more posts from you and maybe learn about Dutch poetry!

[lilgirlie]

i like! good job!

[PaulinedeGr]

Thank you so much! Those are really good tips.
I'm actually in the process of applying to universities in Scotland, so any help improving my English is welcome

I love how everyone on here is so sweet and nice.