Should I stay or should I go?

[nightxwing]

I love this site and how positive it is but I've never posted before and maybe my post isn't the most positive, but I hope people can give me some positive advice.

I have been in a relationship with someone for two and a half years and they live with me. I recently learned by accident that my bf had responded to some personals ad on craigs list looking for a discrete relationship, but he said nothing ever happened, that was 8 months into our relationship. At this point he seemed like he was hiding something so I kept pestering him and he told me that he had been with a prostitute in Amsterdam 1 month into our relationship (it's legal there). He is 24 yrs old now and I'm almost 30. He said he loves me and wants to be with me and how he was sorry about it and he wants to be honest with me. I know I still love him, that kind of love doesn't just go away, and I believe he hasn't done anything else, I mean... what he told me is pretty intense to begin with. We are/were serious about our relationship and spend holidays with each others families... everything was going really great until I looked to finish up an email I was writing and realized I wasn't in my own account (same colors on yahoo) and saw something under drafts, and then I looked in the sent mail and the 2nd message there was a reply to a personals ad from 2010. I'm not normally a snooper, seeing this email was completely by accident, if I was I probably would have seen this sooner.

I know if I was asked advice from my friends I would tell them to dump him. Of course now being in this position I find it harder to just have a clean cut answer. I spoke to my best friend and they were completely shocked because he seems so in love with me (and she lives with us so she would know). I am still in shock and quite frankly I feel like I can't really ask/talk to any other of my friends because this is a bit embarrassing, and I know they would all tell me to drop him and hate him. But that doesn't really feel like what I want to do. I know I love him, and things have been extremely good lately, I am still in shock. I guess I don't know what to do and yes I have turned to the internet in hopes to remain semi anonymous.

I'm sorry if this is not a normal post for this site.

[bbettie]

I'm new here, and saw your post, and felt like giving you a big hug just knowing the stress you must be under with such a heartbreaking decision.
I figure it this way...At the first moment after dating him "exclusively", and later that same day you were given proof (by way of a magic fortune teller, lol), and you found out that his respect for you would eventually come in second place to his selfish-needs...would you still consider him a catch on day one knowing that information? And now that two years have passed and since your reasonable expectations of him have NOT changed to meet your needs, then it should still remain non-negotiable and a deal breaker. If I were you, I wouldn't settle, because everyone deserves better than to be cheated on, not even if you love him. When you meet someone worth spending two loving years with, even with ups and downs, the EASIEST part of your relationship is to not sleep with other people. It's easy, you simple don't sleep with other people. So go hang with your posse and get lots of hugs and support from them while you recover from whatever choice you do make.

[juraiknight]

So, first off let me say that I'm sorry you have to go through this. My "Big ex" kinda put me through a similar situation. Not so much to the extreme as yours, but more so on the side of telling me one thing, and me finding out that it was the opposite. It's really up to what you want at the end of the day. People can tell you to leave or stay with him till their blue in the face, and it's what you feel in your heart that's ultimately going to be the decision maker. Personally, I'm a big believer in finding someone that will make you happy and treat you as you would treat them. I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't feel too great if the tables were turned ya know? I believe that people won't change until they themselves are ready to change, if that day ever comes. Seeing as how this has happened twice during the course of your relationship, and with a confirmed reply email, I'd say this guy is going to fall under the "Unchangeable" category, and I foresee this happening again in the near future.

Now, I'm sure that this guy is nice and loves you and what not, but that still doesn't change circumstance. Now, I'm sure you're having that notion that he's different, or he will change, or maybe it's not that bad. But as a person who is neutral, and as a person who is looking at the situation from the outside in, I would say your best bet is to leave this guy and find yourself someone else. I know that this kind of relationship doesn't just go away, but I think in the long run you owe yourself to find something that won't leave you guessing at what's going to happen tomorrow, or the next day, or years from now. Early signs like this, especially within the first few months to a year kind of set the table as to how the relationship will go during the course of its life, so whatever you decide to do in this situation just keep that in mind. I hope this helps, and (whether you know the answer deep down inside already or not) I'm sure you will make the right decision for you. Good luck.

[nightxwing]

Thank you both so much for your responses.

I completely ended it. There's still a lot of emotions happening but I know I made the right choice. Every morning waking up alone is a sad reminder, but I know it's for the best inside. I can't be with someone who thinks of themselves first when I am thinking of them first. There's no equality in the relationship.

[juraiknight]

Good for you, and congratulations on taking that first step. It's the hardest out of all of them, and you should be proud of that. I hope everything turns out ok, and I know you'll find someone out there that will uphold their end of the deal when it comes to your feelings and the relationship.

[Ptree82]

I wish I had seen this when you first posted it but good for you for making the right decision for yourself. I hate to admit it but I was in a similiar situation only I played the opposite role. I cheated on my boyfriend and he found out when he happened to be in my email one day. I felt awful for the pain I caused him and I wanted us to stay together because I felt like I needed to make it up to him. It turns out the best thing I could have done was given him the space he wanted when he broke up with me. Now, five years later, my ex is doing really well and is very happy with his life. We aren't "friends" but we're certainly friendly because you are right, that kind of love doesn't go away. However neither of us is in love with the other anymore and breaking up really was the right thing to do in the long wrong. I hope the same goes for you.