From Our Readers Foodtraction From Our Readers

Foodtraction? What?! Am I making up words? Yes I am. Wise Words, in fact.

There are certain foods we indulge in that are associated with a level of attraction. For example, foods such as strawberries, chocolate, lollipops or anything shaped like a banana generally carry a sexy appeal to them. When consuming these foods, those looking upon you are probably thinking, “Damn, she looks good eating that strawberry”, and when being the eater you’re thinking, “Snap, I know I’m looking good eating this strawberry.” These tasty treats have a high level of foodtraction.

(For further explanation, please listen to the wordz of 112, Def Leppard50 Cent, and/or Kelis.)

On the other hand there are foods with the opposite effect. No matter how delicious or wonderful, they make it incredibly difficult to be a turn on when stuffing face. If ever looking to impress or on the prowl, these are the foods I would approach with caution:

Chicken Wings have a lot to take into account when consuming. For starters, the heat factor. If you are having hot wings, it’s best to take it slow because meat + heat = The Meat Sweats. The Meat Sweats can be very sneaky; one second you’re enjoying a spicy treat, the next, you’re sitting in discomfort with chapped lips and a perspiring forehead. There is nothing cute about that. Absolutely nothing. Perhaps they aren’t hot wings but BBQ wings, doused in savory, sweet BBQ sauce. Duh, it’s delicious but it’s also a mess. Sauce on your fingers, sauce on your face – you may be saucy but not in the sexy way.

When I think of Corn (On the Cob), I think of warm weather and barbecues, but I also think about the hassle of it getting stuck in my teeth when trying to flirt with a summertime fling. With corn, the issue doesn’t lie with the visual aspect of having it stuck in your teeth as primarily found with spinach, but rather the battle of trying to rid the imposter particle. The process usually consists of the following:

  • Tongue Force- the effort put forth by the tongue to loosen the food from the crevice. This is usually done with the mouth closed as to not give anything away.
  • Air Attack- the act of pushing air through the teeth, usually paired with Tongue Force. It is hard to be secretive when performing an Air Attack since it is usually accompanied by a squeaky noise.
  • Stealth Straw- cleverly trying to use ones straw as a toothpick. This requires flattening the end of the straw and using the sharp corner to remove the food.
  • The True Pick- Using the nail, often on either the pointer finger, thumb or pinky to pick out the corn. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Gyros and Tacos are fantastic handheld meals, however, while eating them there is always a constant awareness of how well the structure is holding up with every bite. Every time you take a bite from one end, you have to be careful that something doesn’t plop out the other end. Notice how I used the word PLOP to describe the action of the falling food. Any food that PLOPS out is a food to try and stay clear of.

There is never a disappointment felt like that of biting into a Mozzarella Stick only to discover it’s just breaded string cheese, which is why the best mozzy stick is super melty. In this case, the cheese is your frenemy. Obviously each bite gives way to super stretchy, cheesy goodness, but it also creates a struggle to get that stretchy cheese into your mouth. Often times the cheese ends up one foot long and you have to use your tongue as a wind up mechanism to get it all into your mouth. Also, be careful not to swallow too soon because melty cheese is a choking hazard and hazards are a buzz kill.

A Note on Temperature: It is very important to consider temperature when biting into anything. If a food item is too hot and a bite is taken you may end up one of two ways:

  1. With your mouth open, eyes wide, waving your hand in front of your mouth as you try to say “Hot! hot! hot!” but it actually sounds like ” Ha! ha! ha!” because you can’t make the T sound with an open mouth.
  2. The food is too alarmingly hot that as soon as it hits your tongue, it PLOPS out of your mouth.

Yuck.

Lobster is an activity food and it takes a lot of work and skill to enjoy its scrumptious insides. For starters, you have to be good with tools; a lobster calls for strength with the shell crackers, and precision with a baby fork. Second, you have to have tiger-like reflexes and killer instincts. Lobster juice will be squirting every which way and getting hit in the eye can be dangerous and embarrassing. Finally, you have to look good in a bib. Bibs look best on babies and old folks, so good luck.

Of course there are lots of foods that will provide us with unappealing obstacles, but sometimes you just have to indulge and be happy because that is always attractive.

You can read more from Lorenn Kassel on her blog.

Feature image via.

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