I don’t consider myself to be in the NASA loop. Mainly because I don’t work there but also because I’m scared of space and know that if I went, I’d be super claustrophobic en route and get stuck up there. I’m the girl who likes to bring my own car to a simple house party just in case I want to leave earlier than my friends. Also, I’m pretty sure I’d get killed by something space-based and if I stay down here and just chill on Earth, I should be good to go. I’m not entirely ignorant, because there’s always the Deep Impact, V or District 9 scenarios that could go down.
Look, here’s my point: if an asteroid is going to “Narrowly Miss The Earth” today, as one apparently did yesterday, I’d love to not be looped into knowing that information. If you NASA cats could keep that stuff on the DL going forward, you’d be doing me a real solid. Furthermore, only parts of South Africa and Antarctica were going to be able to see Asteroid 2011 MD (A doctor! Oh-la-la!) anyway. So if that happens again, why don’t you just email those guys? Not so much with the tell-all. Thank you. I think a lot of NASA folks read me regularly, so I’m confident thanking them here.
On the other hand, shout out to Florence Henderson, who has just announced that she once had an affair with a previous New York City mayor who gave her crabs. Yes, Mama Brady. That is the kind of information I can get on board with. This is something you go wide with.
You don’t freak us out with the impending asteroid, whose arrival is so close to July 4th that it feels intentional. Part of a bigger plan. Like they’re going to do a very real explosion on the 4th, but we’ll all be confused because we’ll just assume it’s our local fireworks. When I say “they’re,” naturally I mean the Jews. I’m Jewish. So I can make that joke without you getting mad at me. Also, it doesn’t even make sense. The only way it would make sense is if it were the aliens working at Area 51 AND the Jews together. THAT has logic.
Getting back to space travel and travel-travel, since we are coming up on the long holiday weekend. I think I’ll do us all a favor and not further deconstruct the story of, ”the lovely lady who was bringing up three very lovely girls,” and tons of tiny pets.
When I go away this week, I hope to get my new BFF flight attendant on Virgin America. We’ve even become Facebook friends. On my last flight, he kept bringing me food from First Class and telling me how nice I was. This level of awesome is extremely helpful to me as I don’t love being on planes. See, it’s not an outer-space specific thing. It’s a claustrophobic thing. But I do it. I totally fly.
You know what would be ideal? Flying on my Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Nimbus 2000 Electronic Broomstick. I’d actually be outside and feel the air. I think I’d like that. Here’s what else I’d feel – that I was riding a vibrator. The Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Nimbus 2000 Electronic Broomstick is a very real toy that was taken off the shelves a few years back after moms who had bought the broom sticks for their 7 year old sons started finding their 12 year old daughters using The Nimbus 2000 for an entirely different kind of ride. Thanks to the vibrating feature that, “Simulates the sensation of flying!” I have one and it’s pictured below. I know. Way to bury the lead.
To recap: Space is scary and occasionally things fall out of it. Please don’t give me a heads up when this is going to happen. Once, Florence Henderson had crabs. And she’s not from Maryland. Nevada-based aliens working closely with Jewish people might to try to kill us on July 4th. I look forward to flying with my flight attendant/Homie very soon. I have a vibrator made by Mattel.