Five Ways Something Ruined My Life

Five Ways ‘Edward Scissorhands' Ruined My Life

Well, we’ve reached my final Christmas movie installment of “Five Ways Something Ruined My Life.” And, yes, we’re landing on Edward Scissorhands. I’ve already explored Home Alone, Die Hard and The Simpsons Christmas episodes so it’s only natural to end on this Tim Burton classic.

Now, this movie came out in 1990 when I was six, so I can’t vouch for the validity of this sentiment but I always credit Edward Scissorhands as the first PG-13 movie I saw. I always thought it was the first PG-13 movie I saw in theaters but I’m not positive that that’s true. No matter what, I was a Tim Burton fan from a very young age. The original Frankenweenie was one of those movies I rented from the movie store, returned, and immediately rented again. (See also: The Brave Little Toaster.) So I was on board with the worlds Tim Burton creates from the very beginning.

This was also the start of my Johnny Depp infatuation (see also: Benny & Joon). My BFF had a bigger Johnny Depp infatuation than I did, but both of us were baffled when EVERYONE suddenly loved Johnny Depp and we were like, “duh, been in this place since we were kids.” But in addition to all of this, Edward Scissorhands also has Winona Ryder who I’ve loved in Beetlejuice, Heathers, Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael and basically everything (please don’t make me watch Little Women, I will cry).

So, before Christmas, let’s explore five ways Edward Scissorhands ruined my life:

1. Thought Those Wacky Haircuts and Clothing Were the Epitome of Fashion

I distinctly remember thinking the clothes in this movie were TO. DIE. FOR.

The color scheme of the entire movie is amazing and just made me want to curl into a ball inside it.

But then, when they start liking Edward they have him do everyone’s hair in the whole movie! And if there’s one thing I live for, it’s a makeover. I’ve always dreamed of being able to pull off a cool haircut but anytime I try cutting my hair any shorter than my shoulders, my hair looks insane and is unruly and I spend most of the hours of the day cursing myself for cutting my hair short.

2. Taught Me That Anthony Michael Hall Could Be the Meanest Person On The Planet

I’m no Anthony Michael Hall aficionado but I’m MOSTLY familiar with him from The Breakfast Club, which is weird since I probably saw Edward Scissorhands first and just blocked it from my memory. But for whatever reason I only associate him with The Breakfast Club and totally forget that he plays Winona-Ryder’s-jerk-boyfriend character in Edward Scissorhands.

It’s kind of like how I only think of Cary Elwes as Westley and then all of a sudden he’s weird other characters in Liar, Liar and Twister and that episode of SVU and I just can’t deal!

Just, don’t be mean to Kim OR to Edward and I’ll probably be a lot nicer to you.

3. Makes You Assume Anyone With Sharp Metal Appendages Are Adorable and Misunderstood

I haven’t had MANY occasions to run into people with sharp metal appendages but I am CONVINCED if I did, I would immediately befriend that person and help them.

This is probably part of the reason why I was never too scared of the idea of headgear (though that’s also probably because I never had a personal threat of headgear in my life) and also why I feel so much for young Forrest Gump and his leg braces. And also because I wanted an arm cast. (Though that was also probably because the coolest girl in fourth grade had a hot pink arm cast and I was SUPER jealous).

So okay, maybe I just am really compassionate and just really care about people, okay? I just know, if I saw Edward I would react the same way Dianne Wiest did and take him under my care.

But I’d DEFINITELY tell my daughter he was staying in her room before she went in and freaked out.

4. Warped My Sense of Houses and How You Decorate Them

Besides the fashion of the movie you also have the aesthetic of the entire neighborhood.

When I was in 1st through 3rd grade I was in a school district where most of my classmates lived in housing developments and we rented a house near the school. So I was always fascinated by the idea of housing developments where the houses all look the same and everyone kind of knows what’s going on with each other and like, the kids all play together.

I didn’t want to live in a house like that but I was a kid so I just wanted to have experiences my friends had and since I wasn’t familiar with that I always thought visiting the developments was pretty fun. And part of my idea of how they must be came from Edward Scissorhands. I remember being disappointed my friends didn’t live in pastel house and doubly disappointed that Avon saleswomen didn’t come to their door every second. What a gyp.

Also, I’ve never ONCE lived in a house with an awesome topiary dinosaur so…

5. Made Me Distrust All Talk Show Hosts

One of the best parts of staying home sick from school as a kid was watching daytime TV. I wasn’t big into soaps but I was briefly into The Bold and the Beautiful because my grandmother taped it every day and would mail me her VHS tapes of the show after she was done. Now that’s dedication.

But I LOVED watching talk shows.

I watched Regis and Kathie Lee, Sally Jesse Raphael, Leeza, Ricki Lake and, of course, The Rosie O’Donnell Show.

I could tell that in some of those shows they were definitely exploiting their guests. (Even if I didn’t know what exploiting meant necessarily, I knew that’s what was happening). So it just made me so sad when Edward goes on the talk show (which looked like a combination of all of my favorites) and gets kind of gawked at and just made to feel like a freak. HE’S JUST A NORMAL GUY WITH SCISSORS FOR HANDS, EVERYONE!


I hope everyone has an awesome holiday or IS having an awesome holiday and see you for one more post of 2012!

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