Five Ways Something Ruined My Life Five Ways ‘Clueless' Ruined My Life Erin Mallory Long

The year was 1995. A young girl on the brink of her 11th year saw a little movie called Clueless and suddenly her life was ruined.

As soon as I saw Clueless, I was completely hooked. I wanted to wear knee socks like Cher, call people “Barneys” like Cher and attend a beautiful open-air High School in California like Cher (living in Upstate New York made that last part beyond unattainable, but a girl can still dream).

Because of Clueless:

1. I Don’t Trust Mirrors

Okay, well, that might be a strong statement but I at least understand why Cher didn’t trust mirrors. When she invites over Christian to watch Sparatacus, she tells Dionne she doesn’t trust mirrors and therefore only takes Polaroids of her outfits.

Since I’ve always been an avid self-portrait photographer, this sounded like a great idea to me. Unfortunately, I never owned a Polaroid camera (well, except for one of those mini ones that were only around in 1998), so I didn’t use this to style my outfits (since otherwise I would have had to wait to get film developed). Instead, I had to wait for digital photography to make this particular dream a reality.

As I got older, someone decided to put little nifty self-portrait apps into COMPUTERS and THEN, when it couldn’t get any worse, they installed front-facing camera into phones and somehow didn’t expect me to take self-portraits even MORE frequently? As if!

Seriously, if you go through my phone it’s pictures of cats and pictures of my outfits. And maybe the occasional picture of some building or park or funny sign. MAYBE.

Cher had Polaroids and I (thankfully) have my phone.

2. I Convinced Myself That I Could Pull Off Wearing a Tank Top Over a T-Shirt

This is a pretty minor issue but it still hurts. In the movie, Cher rocks this look about three times (by my count), and I thought I could do the same.

Well, I cannot.

Right after I saw Clueless, I raced home to try out this look and then once every three years or so I try to do it again. I even wore it in public once (see above disaster) but it does not work on me. And I will forever blame Cher Horowitz for making me think that it was a viable fashion option. It is not.

But it does looks completely cute on her:

 

 

3. I Always Think There’s An Easier Way to Get Dressed in the Morning

I’m sure we’ve all had this thought. It’s a cold, dark morning and you can’t decide what to wear and you just sit on your bed HOPING and WISHING that you had a computer program like Cher’s with your entire wardrobe catalogued.

While I wouldn’t have needed that to tell me that her yellow plaid blazer matched her yellow plaid skirt, I would need it in my normal life. Especially those mornings when I’m caught thinking, “Can I wear polka dots, houndstooth, and stripes together in the same outfit? Is that too much?”

This program could also play well into my self-diagnosed OCD and allow me to have my clothing completely organized . . . digitally.

4. I Think in Cher-isms

If I mention eating a handful of something all I hear is, “I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M’s and, like, 3 pieces of licorice.”

I totally still think the worst thing you can say to someone is, “You’re a virgin who can’t drive.” And my BFF and I ALWAYS say, “That was way harsh, Tai” whenever something said to us is, in fact, way harsh.

And when I have just had a life-altering realization, it’s always necessary to yell, “I am totally, butt-crazy in love with Josh!”

A lot of movies and TV shows have lingo that just permeate everything, but to me, Clueless will always be the epitome.

Also, I can’t look at two people with their legs crossed towards each other without thinking, “That is an unequivocal sex invite.”

5. I Want a Makeover Montage With a Popular Blonde Girl

As someone who wanted to be Cher or Dionne and more closely resembled pre-makeover Tai, I always dreamed that some beautiful, friendly blonde girl and her beautiful, less-friendly BFF would take me under their wing. They could be my own personal self-portrait, my own computer program and everything else that was missing in my life.

But that never happened.

I had to suffer through botched bangs, braces and general awkwardness without cute clothes and helpful friends named after famous singers of the past who now do infomercials.

(All images of Clueless lovingly screengrabbed by me from my DVD)

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  1. Just recently I realized while watching Clueless that 1/2 of my vocab at 28yrs old still till this day stems from that movie. IE: “Not a Total Betty but a fast improvement” “I feel like ralphing” “as if” & I also like to use “Im totally butt crazy in Love w/Josh” when I have a life realization LOL along w/a handful of others. Not to mention my name is Amber…people still never let Ambular go ;) Definitely the epitome.

  2. So is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the fridge?
    Lol, I still say or think this whenever I see flannel! I always thought it was an inside joke with Cher and myself being from there…and I confess to short skirts and knee high socks.

  3. I want to watch “Clueless” now! It’s been so many years since I’ve seen the movie. After reading this blog entry, I think I would appreciate it more considering I only saw it once when I was like… uh… 7 years old.

    I never had the opportunity to choose what to wear during my high school years thanks to rigid, old-fashioned parents (looking back at it, I can appreciate their guidance). But now that I’m on my own I must learn how to build a fashion application to assist in my daily living, haha.

  4. Totally! Clueless is the modern-day adaptation of my favourite novel. I still re-watch it regularly. This film ruined debates for me. I still use “old people can be so sweet”, “herbal refreshment” and “I’m audi.”And, like you all: I can’t hear the word “homie” without starting to dance! I could go on and on, but I’m going to watch it RIGHT NOW.

  5. Erin – love this!!!

    I Think in Cher-isms too!

    I knew that there had to be more of us out there!

  6. When I don’t want to do something I will say “Jo-osh” in a long and whiny way. My sisters do it too.

  7. oh my god – you are so spot on with everything! even when i try to mentally recap what i ate one morning, my mind automatically just decides on “I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M’s and, like, 3 pieces of licorice.”

  8. This is the best! So many memories!

  9. All of these are so true! When I’m shopping I always take a photo of the outfit on my phone before I decide to buy it. I’ve even got my mum and sister doing the same thing, so my camera roll is full of us trying on outfits that we didn’t end up getting. Also thanks to clueless, all my pens were fluffy and I cant say sporadically without replaying that seen in my head, :)

  10. Mini backpacks definitely could have been on the list for me, too!

  11. This post is absolutely delicious! I still stop everything in life to watch this on WeTV. My friends even call me to tell me its on. I still work on trying to be a Betty inside and out everyday!

  12. and those back packs lol i had to of them i loved wearing them with kneee high socks!

    Anonymous | 1/27/2012 02:01 pm
  13. I used to force my friends to watch this movie every time we had a sleep over. I swear I quote it on a regular basis.

  14. EEEEEEEWWWW, AS IF!!! is definitely one of my favorite thing to say with my BFF.

  15. I totally tried the whole plaid dress with knee-highs and loafers idea. When you’re a sixth grader with short hair in 1995, bad idea. I also cannot help but think when I see people’s legs crossed towards each other that it’s an unequivocal sex invite. I even thought this on a first date once.

  16. haha yeah also think about “rolling with the homies” and hum it once in a while , and remember thinking (when I first saw the movie) “He it sounds like that girl can sing in real -live :D!)”

    I liked/like Big Words ,.. and tried to learn alot of words in different languages like that …using 1 word that day or a couple that week whaha (regular or “advanced”)

    and I tried to pull off the the tank over tee thing ,..and could :P ( just need a Long tight fitted tank and a tee made with a fine fabric XD )

    ANd every time I do a make-over I think “O my gosh this is sO Cher ,.but I can’t help it!” Neeed-to..do..makeoverss
    hahah XD

    o and yeah I wanted that Tai t-shirt as well probably had that kinda style t-shirt back then ,.ooo now wait I had the same ” a=single-flower” t-shirt as Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed whaha

    I LOVED/LOVE the 90′s …and had alot of “those” skirts,.. and tops…and mini-backpacks…and.micro hair clips/pins etc. XD

  17. this is perfect. i was just watching that movie this morning. it’s definitely one of my favorites. i used to rock the tank top over the t shirt look, too. i was only 12, but hey..who cares? i used to write out shopping lists of clothes i wanted my mom to buy for me after each time i would watch clueless haha

  18. love this, its SO TRUE! I was JUST thinking of this movie a couple of days ago. “I really want a Josh in my life” then thought, man dating my used to be step brother is a little odd.

    p.s -I miss Brittany Murphy.

  19. I always wanted Tai’s shirt in that pic. Didn’t like everyone have one back then?

  20. I did actually get a make over in high school by a blond chick I worked with and her more rude friend :-P (we’re still friends but she was rude then) It was straight out of the movie…

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