Five Ways Something Ruined My Life

Five Ways ‘Clueless' Ruined My Life

The year was 1995. A young girl on the brink of her 11th year saw a little movie called Clueless and suddenly her life was ruined.

As soon as I saw Clueless, I was completely hooked. I wanted to wear knee socks like Cher, call people “Barneys” like Cher and attend a beautiful open-air High School in California like Cher (living in Upstate New York made that last part beyond unattainable, but a girl can still dream).

Because of Clueless:

1. I Don’t Trust Mirrors

Okay, well, that might be a strong statement but I at least understand why Cher didn’t trust mirrors. When she invites over Christian to watch Sparatacus, she tells Dionne she doesn’t trust mirrors and therefore only takes Polaroids of her outfits.

Since I’ve always been an avid self-portrait photographer, this sounded like a great idea to me. Unfortunately, I never owned a Polaroid camera (well, except for one of those mini ones that were only around in 1998), so I didn’t use this to style my outfits (since otherwise I would have had to wait to get film developed). Instead, I had to wait for digital photography to make this particular dream a reality.

As I got older, someone decided to put little nifty self-portrait apps into COMPUTERS and THEN, when it couldn’t get any worse, they installed front-facing camera into phones and somehow didn’t expect me to take self-portraits even MORE frequently? As if!

Seriously, if you go through my phone it’s pictures of cats and pictures of my outfits. And maybe the occasional picture of some building or park or funny sign. MAYBE.

Cher had Polaroids and I (thankfully) have my phone.

2. I Convinced Myself That I Could Pull Off Wearing a Tank Top Over a T-Shirt

This is a pretty minor issue but it still hurts. In the movie, Cher rocks this look about three times (by my count), and I thought I could do the same.

Well, I cannot.

Right after I saw Clueless, I raced home to try out this look and then once every three years or so I try to do it again. I even wore it in public once (see above disaster) but it does not work on me. And I will forever blame Cher Horowitz for making me think that it was a viable fashion option. It is not.

But it does looks completely cute on her:

 

 

3. I Always Think There’s An Easier Way to Get Dressed in the Morning

I’m sure we’ve all had this thought. It’s a cold, dark morning and you can’t decide what to wear and you just sit on your bed HOPING and WISHING that you had a computer program like Cher’s with your entire wardrobe catalogued.

While I wouldn’t have needed that to tell me that her yellow plaid blazer matched her yellow plaid skirt, I would need it in my normal life. Especially those mornings when I’m caught thinking, “Can I wear polka dots, houndstooth, and stripes together in the same outfit? Is that too much?”

This program could also play well into my self-diagnosed OCD and allow me to have my clothing completely organized . . . digitally.

4. I Think in Cher-isms

If I mention eating a handful of something all I hear is, “I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M’s and, like, 3 pieces of licorice.”

I totally still think the worst thing you can say to someone is, “You’re a virgin who can’t drive.” And my BFF and I ALWAYS say, “That was way harsh, Tai” whenever something said to us is, in fact, way harsh.

And when I have just had a life-altering realization, it’s always necessary to yell, “I am totally, butt-crazy in love with Josh!”

A lot of movies and TV shows have lingo that just permeate everything, but to me, Clueless will always be the epitome.

Also, I can’t look at two people with their legs crossed towards each other without thinking, “That is an unequivocal sex invite.”

5. I Want a Makeover Montage With a Popular Blonde Girl

As someone who wanted to be Cher or Dionne and more closely resembled pre-makeover Tai, I always dreamed that some beautiful, friendly blonde girl and her beautiful, less-friendly BFF would take me under their wing. They could be my own personal self-portrait, my own computer program and everything else that was missing in my life.

But that never happened.

I had to suffer through botched bangs, braces and general awkwardness without cute clothes and helpful friends named after famous singers of the past who now do infomercials.

(All images of Clueless lovingly screengrabbed by me from my DVD)

  • http://www.facebook.com/lizabaron Liza Baron

    I also tried to rock the vest-top over t-shirt look. Will dig out a photo, put it in a shoebox with other stuff I wanna forget about, then burn it on the fire.
    P.S. Whenever I walk into a party I think/say “let’s do a lap before we commence our location”. And my friends and I have thankfully grown out of saying “I am surfing the crimson wave”!

    • http://www.facebook.com/erinmallorylong Erin Long

      PLEASE find that photo! I need someone else to be embarrassed with!

  • http://www.facebook.com/shelby.ivy Shelby Ivy

    Every time I hear the word “homie” I immediately think of Tai at the house party. “Rollin’ with the homies.”

    • http://www.facebook.com/claudiainesgarcia Claudia Garcia

      OMG yes! Same here… :) I’m glad that I’m not the only one….

  • http://www.facebook.com/liz.haebe Liz Haebe

    How many times have I said: ‘you could be a farmer in those clothes’ when referencing overalls?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=265501282 Natalie Borriello

    I actually used her speech where she realises she is in love with Josh in a drama monologue assignment…Got an A+ cause I did it with Cher accent and everything!
    I also regularly break into ‘rolling with the homies’ ..Best Film Ever (although I watch it with sadness seeing Brittany Murphy RIP Tai!
    xxx
    http://www.miabellaluna.blogspot.com

    • http://www.facebook.com/erinmallorylong Erin Long

      :) I love the speech about her father’s garden party. “It was like, the more the merrier.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/kittymca Kayleigh McAllister

    there is an iphone app that works like the outfit computer program

    • http://www.facebook.com/erinmallorylong Erin Long

      GET.OUT.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1805451 June Vanisa

    This is amazing. AMAZING.

    “Do you prefer fashion victim or ensemble-y challenged?”

    I’m totally watching Clueless when I get home. Crap.

  • http://www.facebook.com/erinthomas06 Erin Thomas-Admire

    I LOVE this post so much! Made my morning! I havent used any cher-isms lately but i feel like I need to bring it back!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1134030012 Michele Segroves

    AMEN sister, this movie and Romy and Michele’s Highschool Reunion are thought of on a daily basis. All of these things are also true for me, but I would also like to add that sometimes when I am washing my hair or doing my makeup and start to sing I Wanna Be a Supermodel lol

    • http://www.facebook.com/erinmallorylong Erin Long

      Oh, me too. Is that not normal? :)

    • http://www.facebook.com/alishaisgo Alisha Bicknell

      OMG Romy and Michele’s Highschool Reunion is half my vocab!
      “Well, I didn’t have time to make anything” anytime I’m telling someone what I’m wearing that night and “I’m glad we can just be honest about this and not conceited” when getting ready with friends and visible roots and post-its and everything!

  • http://www.facebook.com/jennipurr8 Jennifer Frison

    I did actually get a make over in high school by a blond chick I worked with and her more rude friend 😛 (we’re still friends but she was rude then) It was straight out of the movie…

  • http://www.facebook.com/wayfaring.archivist Eileen Hogan

    I always wanted Tai’s shirt in that pic. Didn’t like everyone have one back then?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=737653972 Desiree Alvarez

    love this, its SO TRUE! I was JUST thinking of this movie a couple of days ago. “I really want a Josh in my life” then thought, man dating my used to be step brother is a little odd.

    p.s -I miss Brittany Murphy.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002818633983 Lindsay Sell

    this is perfect. i was just watching that movie this morning. it’s definitely one of my favorites. i used to rock the tank top over the t shirt look, too. i was only 12, but hey..who cares? i used to write out shopping lists of clothes i wanted my mom to buy for me after each time i would watch clueless haha

  • http://www.facebook.com/Worldgirl1 Conchita Danielle G

    haha yeah also think about “rolling with the homies” and hum it once in a while , and remember thinking (when I first saw the movie) “He it sounds like that girl can sing in real -live :D!)”

    I liked/like Big Words ,.. and tried to learn alot of words in different languages like that …using 1 word that day or a couple that week whaha (regular or “advanced”)

    and I tried to pull off the the tank over tee thing ,..and could 😛 ( just need a Long tight fitted tank and a tee made with a fine fabric XD )

    ANd every time I do a make-over I think “O my gosh this is sO Cher ,.but I can’t help it!” Neeed-to..do..makeoverss
    hahah XD

    o and yeah I wanted that Tai t-shirt as well probably had that kinda style t-shirt back then ,.ooo now wait I had the same ” a=single-flower” t-shirt as Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed whaha

    I LOVED/LOVE the 90’s …and had alot of “those” skirts,.. and tops…and mini-backpacks…and.micro hair clips/pins etc. XD

  • http://www.facebook.com/eastautumnpacificocean Colleen Sweeney

    I totally tried the whole plaid dress with knee-highs and loafers idea. When you’re a sixth grader with short hair in 1995, bad idea. I also cannot help but think when I see people’s legs crossed towards each other that it’s an unequivocal sex invite. I even thought this on a first date once.

  • http://www.facebook.com/fernanda.i.viera Fernanda Ibarra Viera

    EEEEEEEWWWW, AS IF!!! is definitely one of my favorite thing to say with my BFF.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lindsaybradleigh Lindsay Bradleigh Shank

    I used to force my friends to watch this movie every time we had a sleep over. I swear I quote it on a regular basis.

  • Anonymous

    and those back packs lol i had to of them i loved wearing them with kneee high socks!

  • http://www.facebook.com/lauren.hollaway Lauren Hollaway

    This post is absolutely delicious! I still stop everything in life to watch this on WeTV. My friends even call me to tell me its on. I still work on trying to be a Betty inside and out everyday!

  • http://www.facebook.com/erinmallorylong Erin Long

    Mini backpacks definitely could have been on the list for me, too!

    • http://www.facebook.com/alishaisgo Alisha Bicknell

      mini backpacks totally made a return last year with the 90s! I’ve been re-rocking one!

  • http://www.facebook.com/pamela.algie Pamela Algie

    All of these are so true! When I’m shopping I always take a photo of the outfit on my phone before I decide to buy it. I’ve even got my mum and sister doing the same thing, so my camera roll is full of us trying on outfits that we didn’t end up getting. Also thanks to clueless, all my pens were fluffy and I cant say sporadically without replaying that seen in my head, :)

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