Five Ways Something Ruined My Life

Five Ways ‘Clueless' Ruined My Life

The year was 1995. A young girl on the brink of her 11th year saw a little movie called Clueless and suddenly her life was ruined.

As soon as I saw Clueless, I was completely hooked. I wanted to wear knee socks like Cher, call people “Barneys” like Cher and attend a beautiful open-air High School in California like Cher (living in Upstate New York made that last part beyond unattainable, but a girl can still dream).

Because of Clueless:

1. I Don’t Trust Mirrors

Okay, well, that might be a strong statement but I at least understand why Cher didn’t trust mirrors. When she invites over Christian to watch Sparatacus, she tells Dionne she doesn’t trust mirrors and therefore only takes Polaroids of her outfits.

Since I’ve always been an avid self-portrait photographer, this sounded like a great idea to me. Unfortunately, I never owned a Polaroid camera (well, except for one of those mini ones that were only around in 1998), so I didn’t use this to style my outfits (since otherwise I would have had to wait to get film developed). Instead, I had to wait for digital photography to make this particular dream a reality.

As I got older, someone decided to put little nifty self-portrait apps into COMPUTERS and THEN, when it couldn’t get any worse, they installed front-facing camera into phones and somehow didn’t expect me to take self-portraits even MORE frequently? As if!

Seriously, if you go through my phone it’s pictures of cats and pictures of my outfits. And maybe the occasional picture of some building or park or funny sign. MAYBE.

Cher had Polaroids and I (thankfully) have my phone.

2. I Convinced Myself That I Could Pull Off Wearing a Tank Top Over a T-Shirt

This is a pretty minor issue but it still hurts. In the movie, Cher rocks this look about three times (by my count), and I thought I could do the same.

Well, I cannot.

Right after I saw Clueless, I raced home to try out this look and then once every three years or so I try to do it again. I even wore it in public once (see above disaster) but it does not work on me. And I will forever blame Cher Horowitz for making me think that it was a viable fashion option. It is not.

But it does looks completely cute on her:



3. I Always Think There’s An Easier Way to Get Dressed in the Morning

I’m sure we’ve all had this thought. It’s a cold, dark morning and you can’t decide what to wear and you just sit on your bed HOPING and WISHING that you had a computer program like Cher’s with your entire wardrobe catalogued.

While I wouldn’t have needed that to tell me that her yellow plaid blazer matched her yellow plaid skirt, I would need it in my normal life. Especially those mornings when I’m caught thinking, “Can I wear polka dots, houndstooth, and stripes together in the same outfit? Is that too much?”

This program could also play well into my self-diagnosed OCD and allow me to have my clothing completely organized . . . digitally.

4. I Think in Cher-isms

If I mention eating a handful of something all I hear is, “I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M’s and, like, 3 pieces of licorice.”

I totally still think the worst thing you can say to someone is, “You’re a virgin who can’t drive.” And my BFF and I ALWAYS say, “That was way harsh, Tai” whenever something said to us is, in fact, way harsh.

And when I have just had a life-altering realization, it’s always necessary to yell, “I am totally, butt-crazy in love with Josh!”

A lot of movies and TV shows have lingo that just permeate everything, but to me, Clueless will always be the epitome.

Also, I can’t look at two people with their legs crossed towards each other without thinking, “That is an unequivocal sex invite.”

5. I Want a Makeover Montage With a Popular Blonde Girl

As someone who wanted to be Cher or Dionne and more closely resembled pre-makeover Tai, I always dreamed that some beautiful, friendly blonde girl and her beautiful, less-friendly BFF would take me under their wing. They could be my own personal self-portrait, my own computer program and everything else that was missing in my life.

But that never happened.

I had to suffer through botched bangs, braces and general awkwardness without cute clothes and helpful friends named after famous singers of the past who now do infomercials.

(All images of Clueless lovingly screengrabbed by me from my DVD)