Five Ways Something Ruined My Life 5 Ways ‘Arrested Development' Ruined My Life Erin Mallory Long

Like everything amazing in my life, I came to Arrested Development too late. (Yes, I am part of the problem.) Actually, I guess I haven’t come to everything too late – I mean, if you never give up the 90’s and then they come back that counts as being early to something, right? Anyway. As soon as I saw the first moment of Arrested Development I was hooked. (I’M A MONSTER!) Weirdly, my main love interest initially on this show was Portia de Rossi because I was a HUGE Ally McBeal fan. But now, luckily, I’ve become obsessed with the entire cast – and able to see them on almost everything. (Sidebar, someone just said “dustbuster” near me and my immediate response was to say “I no does Buster anymore!” under my breath like a crazy person)

At any rate, from the moment I met the Bluths I wanted to be part of their family. That’s the sickest part for me. I watch them and all I can think is, “this seems like a fun family!” I definitely am legitimately concerned I’m going to name a child of mine Maeby because I think it’s adorable and I can’t remember ever wanting a frozen banana before watching this show. I’m actually overwhelmed by the idea of discussing this show, so in preparation for Sunday (when I probably watch the new season in one sitting) here are five ways Arrested Development ruined my life:.

Steve Holt!

1. This Show Has Ruined Me For Guest Stars On Other Shows

I mean you just can’t compare with the guest stars (and just stars) Arrested Development has and also the way they USE these guest stars.

I love Say Anything and then we bring in Ione Skye as Ann’s MOM?! Yes, please. I’ve loved Christine Taylor for years and we get her AND Ben Stiller? I mean, it goes on and on. I was elected to be “Fern” with my friends when casting Jawbreaker so I’ve always had a fondness for Judy Greer. (How good is she and everyone else from Arrested on Archer, by the way? Love.)

But then we have genius things like Henry Winkler JUMPING OVER A SHARK and Scott Baio coming in to drop some Happy Days jokes on us (with Ron Howard, obviously).

I don’t even know what to say. Here is a brief list of other amazing guest stars and oh my god is it Sunday yet?

  • Liza Minnelli
  • Ed Begley Jr.
  • Julia Louis-Dreyfus
  • Charlize Theron
  • Amy Poehler
  • Jane Lynch
  • James Lipton
  • Zach Braff

2. I Feel Like I’ve Never Seen a Chicken 

One of my favorite jokes on this show is everyone’s chicken dance. It starts with GOB and then we find out everyone has an amazing chicken dance, which eventually causes Michael to say, “has anyone in this family ever even SEEN a chicken?”

Of course, one fateful night in 2006 in NYC (we call it Tattoo and Piercing Night) some friends and I went with a friend to get a tattoo (and I ended up getting my cartilage pierced) and basically we ended up in Washington Square Park each doing a different Bluth family member’s chicken dance.

Chicken dance

I pretty much can’t even think about calling someone chicken without mimicking one of these dances.

3. Forever Link Segways With Magic

I don’t know about you, but GOB is one of my favorites…in a cast where everyone is my favorite.

GOB taught us that tricks are what whores do for money (or candy!) but that he does ILLUSIONS, Michael.

I once received a gift from my BFF labeled “DEAD DOVE” (the DO NOT EAT was implied) and whenever I see a segway I think the person on it is probably a magician.

dead dove arrested development

DEAD DOVE arrested development

Also, I mean, there’s no way I can ever hear “The Final Countdown” without thinking of GOB, sorry.

4. I Think In Tobias Funke Comments

Tobias, like Bob Loblaw, is a mouthful. Or, says a mouthful…of things. Whatever.

Don’t show me a sausage if you don’t want me to go full Mrs. Featherbottom and talk about how here in the States we call it a sausage in the mouth.

I’m definitely buy-curious about many new trends and I would consider myself a leather daddy while trying to go to the Gothic Castle, thank you very much.

If I ever dressed up as a Smurf I’d definitely say “I just blue myself” all night. And I even, in real life said a phrase my husband deemed to be very Tobias Funke.

tweet erin mallory long

Said I gave people information to “get their balls going.” Then asked Jimmy if I was Michael Scott. He said, “No, Tobias Funke.” Touche.”

I AM afraid I just prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run and there are many things I want to put on my business cards and “analrapist” is definitely one of them.

5. Okay Pretty Much I Want to Say Every Line from Arrested In Real Life

Did a seal bite your linus off?

I’m a monster!

Marry me!


He’ll be “all right.”

You’re gonna get some hop-ons.

Look at banner, Michael!

Family first.

Spring Break! Whooo!

I’ve made a huge mistake.

Say goodbye to these.

No touching!


A million f*$king diamonds!

What a fun, sexy time for you!


(Images screengrabbed by me or my own)


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  1. Because we all know that Lucille Bluth is the reason for living.

    Erin, please marry me, in the definite sense of the Maeby Funke way. You, lady, are perfect.

  2. Spare a thought for those of us here in Australia (and other parts of the world) who aren’t getting the new season straight away :( *Insert gif of Tobias crying in the shower…with his denim cut-off shorts*

  3. And, every time i see my brother I say “HHHey brother” and he responds with “Annjong” :)

  4. Re-watching the first 3 seasons of AD right now! No touching! And I cannot wait until this Sunday! No touching! And people mocked me for paying $7.99 a month for Netflix! No touching!

  5. I actually watched this when it was still airing, but sadly I was not enough to save it…SOOOO excited it’s back (I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to re-watch all the episodes to ready myself). My favorite quote ever: “If you’re saying I play favorites, you’re wrong. I love all my children equally.” *flashback to earlier that day* “I don’t care for Gob.” Awesome.

  6. I’m having an Arrested Development party this weekend and we ill have a banana stand!!

  7. You are pretty much my long-lost “letsquoteeverybullshittingthingwe’veeverseenbutmostlyawesomestuff’ friend….and i don’t even know you.

    Bless you for this blog post that was essentially ripped from my own head

    Here’s to Sunday!

  8. So excited for Sunday! I will be useless until all the new episodes have been watched

  9. Recently, I made my boyfriend a banner that said “Jess Love Tim!” for his birthday. I wanted to put a sign on our dog’s collar that said “Look at banner daddy!”, but he was not on board. Can’t wait to binge watch on Sunday!