Here’s Why I’d HATE It:
1. I’m Not That Good Of A Listener
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good listener (I swear, be my friend!) but I’m not that good of a listener. Not the kind that Snooki needs. You know she’s gonna get super drunk from time to time and need a shoulder to cry on. In this case it will be a baby shoulder. I’d be her new baby toy! Whether Dad’s angry about her showing off her pregnancy boobs or Jenni’s being too tall, there will always be something for Mom to complain about. I just don’t have the patience.
2. I Hate Being Dropped
Okay, this is a big one. Snooki falls all the time. There’s no question about that. You throw a baby into the mix and it will affect her balance even more. Bottom line is, it’s not fun being dropped from high places and that will happen ALL THE TIME. I keep thinking about how anxious I’d get, being in Mama Snooki’s arms, resting in a hammock. She could take a big spill at any moment and I’d be going down with her. I can’t have that kind of stress in my life.
3. Dad’s Cologne
Another reason I’d hate being Snooki’s baby is that Dad (Jionni) probably reeks of Cool Water and I can’t stand that smell. When Snooks is out on book tours, autograph signings or at Cold Stone (which would be a lot of the time), I’d have to stay home and deal with all that eau de toilette (Side note: I always thought that that phrase had something to do with toilets. Bet we all did). Cool Water reminds me of Bar Mitzvah parties and confusion pants-tents, two things that I’ll gladly avoid revisiting.
4. Pickles Everywhere
Here’s another deal breaker: I’m not a huge fan of pickles. I like certain pickles of the Jewish variety but as a whole…not so much. Maybe it’s those weird circular brown things, maybe it’s the consistency, maybe we’ll never know….bottom line is they don’t do it for me. Anyone with a TV and half a pulse knows that Snooki LOVES pickles, so I assume that everything around her smells like them at all times. If I’m her baby, that would be my home! One sec, BRB, just gotta chug some water and take a few deep breaths into a brown paper lunch bag.
5. The constant house music
Being Snooki’s baby would mean living with this….ALL THE TIME:
Here’s Why I’d LOVE It:
1. I’d Get Some Sweet New Clothes
Snooki’s baby is going to be decked out in the finest of baby garments, accessories and all around next level fashion. I’d want that to be me! Baby tuxedos, lil Air Force Ones, some tiny skinny jeans, maybe even one of those hooded leather jackets I’ve always wanted….the possibilities are endless! Look at that Kardashian baby, he’s doing pretty well for himself. I can’t even begin to imagine the baby accessories that Snooki is gonna splurge on. I’d just want to be known as the George Clooney (#Clooney2012, #FreeClooney) of baby fashion.
2. Uncle Vinny
Think of all the fun time I’d get to spend with Vinny! Sure I’d always wonder what it’d be like if he were my dad, but once I got over that I’d have a first class ticket to funsville. Playing pool, wearing sunglasses, other stuff….sounds like the dream.
3. So Many Naps
I’m pretty sure Snooki’s only awake 3 or 4 hours a day. Sounds like a pretty great schedule to me. Now if I were her baby, I’d spend a lot of naptime napping but I’d also spend a good amount of it lounging. I love lounging. I’d be chillin’ on my baby iPad, surfin’ the net, updating my baby tumblr page, and just livin’ large, while mom sleeps off a night of vaaakka redbulls and burgers. Excellent.
Don’t have too much to say about this; I just like Crocodilly. He would surely be an important figure in my life and I couldn’t ask for anything more. Bestow your crocodile wisdom upon me, Crocodilly!
As Snooki’s baby, I’d have the opportunity to witness some of the craziest, coolest, and most creative pranks since the retirement of the Jerky Boys. Pauley and Vinny are the Top Chefs of the prank game and it would be an honor to even see these men at work, first hand.
6. That Reality TV Money
7. Snooki Trademarks Everything
Snooki is building a brand and along the way she’s been trademarking any and every term that her little meatball brain can come up with. Terms like, “I Snook the Night,” “Snookalike,” “Team Meatball,” “Snookit” and “Snookin for Love.” My personal favorite is “Snookit” – the term for when you completely give up and make your friends carry you home. I happen to like the things I say and if my mom wanted to trademark them, more power to her.
8. Snooki was on WWE Raw
Can you say that your mom has wrestled in a real life wrestling ring?! OK, maybe some of you can, but I bet not a lot of you (I have my eye on you, Brooke Hogan). I used to LOVE professional wrestling. Like, order-action-figures-via-US-mail-love. While I don’t get the same enjoyment out of it that I used to, I’d freak out if my mom stepped into the ring. I’d never stop bragging about that. Maybe I’d even get to accomplish my personal goal of meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
9. Her Book is Called A Shore Thing.
That’s genius. My mom would be a genius, guys.
10. I’d Already Have Way More Press Than Blue Ivy
Being the attention seeker that I am, this one is very important to me. Being Snooki’s baby would mean that my name and face would be all over magazines, the Internet and most importantly the Internet. Sure I’d get sick of seeing me (no I wouldn’t) but then I’d remember what’s really important – that I’m getting more attention than my baby rival, Blue Ivy. Why is Blue my rival? Jealousy? Maybe. Her swagger/street cred? Most likely. Either way, I’d get the last laugh because of the sheer freak show nature of the situation (*NOT Mike “The Situation”, the “being Snooki’s baby” situation). Like Socrates famously said, “No press is bad press.”
The list of trademarks via.