Look, we get it. We all love Ryan Gosling. He’s been toying with female hearts since he grabbed Rachel McAdams in The Notebook and single-handedly revived the newsboy hat (after Britney nearly tarnished its reputation). He’s interesting, smart, flirty AND a Scorpio. Boy’s got sex appeal.
But we have to move on. At least temporarily. You can have too much of a good thing (hello, tequila shots). Remember: there are other men in this wide world of ours to obsess over (like your actual boyfriend or your current crush). And if you just can’t get Ryan ‘the Gos’ Gosling out of your head, why not try a dalliance with some of the finest men of our not so distant past:
1. Jean-Paul Belmondo
People complain that ‘the Gos’ is hipster crack for the lady masses, but Belmondo was the original. Who else could hold a cigarette that seductively? Who else could commit murder while singing sweet songs? Who else (besides millions of others) speaks French, a.k.a. the language of love? Jean-Paul Belmondo and your lips of the amazing, I salute you.
2. Cary Grant
His suave demeanor, delightful banter and tanned (oily?) skin, all combined to make him the perfect leading man. So maybe he’s dead and maybe he swung the other way (Betty White seemingly outed him last year) but Carey Grant was a sight to behold. I mean, I had a crush on him as a kid. I was 11 when I first deemed him flawless in North by Northwest. So at the same time I was sweating Nick Carter, the youngest (and most whiniest voiced) member of the Backstreet Boys, I was crushing hard on a 54-year-old. A very attractive 54-year-old. MAN HAD GENES.
Wickedly handsome? Check. Humanitarian? Check. Happily married for fifty years? Check. Marvelous varieties of frozen pizzas? Double Check!
ARE YOU DROOLING YET?
I welcome you to my dreams, Paul. We can escape prison and get back at The Man and run away together to start another charity and eat Newman’s Own mint chocolate cookies. I promise we’ll stop at thirty seven (fifty is way too much, trust me). Oh you’re too busy up in Heaven? Hanging with Tupac in Thugz Mansion? That’s cool. I can wait. Let me know when you have an afternoon avail. Thanks!
4. Don Draper
The man looks good in a suit and can work a room. He’s a bad boy but we love him. He’s impulsive, he steals identities and he lies about everything! What’s not to like?
Okay, so maybe he’s not the best option for our affections.
Don Draper is kind of like the ultimate Monet. Totally hot, but up close a big old mess. Clearly he has issues. He cheated on Betty over and over – and I’m not even sure he used protection. He smokes like a chimney so you know his teeth are a total disaster (there wasn’t even fluoride back then) and has he really fixed his alcohol problem? I didn’t see any rehab trips last season, only an ill-advised marriage. Plus he’s chronically unhappy and lest we all forget, he has been violent with women from time to time.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M REMOVING HIM FROM THE LIST!
Screw you Don Draper! You can’t hold a candle to ‘the Gos.’
To shake off these icky feelings, I present to you, last but not least:
5. Nelson Mandela
What’s not to obsess over? He helped bring down the apartheid, overcame 27 years in prison (talk about devotion), won the Nobel Peace Price and became the first black president of South Africa. And best yet, he’s still going strong.
Damn Nelson! You’ve achieved a ton.
Now I gotta to go figure out what I’ve done with my life because obviously IT’S NOT ENOUGH!
Why is life so hard?