Five New Methods of Birth Control

As many of you know, birth control came under fire last month when Rush Limbaugh called Georgetown Law School student Sandra Fluke a foul, derogatory four-letter word (hint: it rhymes with “blut”) for supporting insurance coverage mandates of a drug that at least 50% of the adult American population could benefit from.  However, Rush has a point, which is that…wait, sorry, what was I saying?

What if contraception is not the only way to prevent STDs, promote sexual health or defend women against unwanted pregnancies or rape? Oh, it is? Well, that’s just silly. Here are 5 alternate methods of birth control you can rely on, and I assure you—there are at least a hundred more where these came from:

1. Breastfeeding – Lactate your way to safer sex. According to Planned Parenthood, women who are breastfeeding cannot get pregnant. Well, technically, you have to have sex first, get pregnant, have a kid, then breastfeed–but isn’t that just a case of chicken and the egg?

2. Hide Rick Santorum In Your Vagina- If Rick Santorum so much as whiffs male pheromones, he will crawl out of your warm woman-cave and claw the face off of every potential suitor in a 10-mile vicinity.

3. Hire Edward Cullen To Defend Your Honor – It’s sad that we’re taking cues from a fictional vampire, but if he won’t do it, then who will?

4. Become Nancy Grace – No one will touch you with a ten foot pole. And if anyone tries to, he will travel through Dante’s 7 layers of Hell for an entire hour on cable television, and every middle-aged soccer mom in America will join you in hating the crap out of him.

5. Contract the Bubonic Plague – Everyone knows the ancient Greek proverb, “If you get sick and die, you can’t have sex.”  A slow, tortuous bacteria-induced death is a small price to pay for preserving an antiquated idea of self-respect.

Woman taking pill image via ShutterStock

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=710470318 Sarah H

    I’m not even American but seriously Rush? WTF were you thinking….oh right – you weren’t. The pill is not only used for contraception. It can be used for other reasons too – like lessening cramps during you period so you don’t spend three days with your head over the toilet unable to move because of cramps and feeling like you are going to puke. And just because someone wants to use contraception to not get pregnant (maybe they can’t afford a kid with their partner and are therefore being responsible by trying to not get pregnant) does not make them a slut! Mind you, some of the politicians in Australia are just as bad, so this doesn’t surprise me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lara.g.odonnell Lara O’Donnell

    I love how men always come up with this stupid stuff, because they’ve never actually had to go through any of it. Give any man the monthly suffering we go through (not to mention childbirth) and they’ll throw us all free contraception.

  • http://www.facebook.com/staceylouisemckeown Stacey-Louise McKeown

    That has actually just made me laugh out loud and then read it to my boyfriened. I don’t understand how people can’t see the absurdity of it all. I’m very lucky to live in England so we don’t get this to the same degree but it does mean I am totally baffled by Limbaugh’s logic!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10051656 Katie Grimmer

    I’m pretty sure the breastfeeding myth has been scratched. Unfortunately, there is still a 98% chance you still get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding.

  • http://www.facebook.com/JalolaHeart Samantha Hunt

    I wanted to second Katie Grimmer’s post. I am positive Planned Parenthood is well aware that breast feeding is not a form of birth control. That is, in fact a myth. Otherwise, Amen!

  • http://www.facebook.com/cjeffery7 Caroline Jeffery

    those Greek proverbs never fail to surprise and inspire me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=14200032 Prachi Gupta

    Samantha and Katie– the breastfeeding fact is NOT a myth. If you follow the link, it is still on Planned Parenthood’s site, and I have also checked the fact with doctors. It is true; if you are breastfeeding at regular/constant intervals, the rate of pregnancy will be very, very low. Thanks for reading!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/schnicka Katie Murdoch

      tPlanned Parenthood may say it’s not a myth but I beg to differ. My Aunt had a baby a few years ago and breastfed for the first year completely consistently and she got pregnant again within 6 months because she believed that myth. And she is no fertile myrtle either. It took her years of trying in order to get preggo the first time. So I definitely would never trust the myth that you cannot get pregnant while breastfeeding.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mattiebenedict Mattie Benedict

    Pretty sure Planned Parenthood will say just about anything. I have multiple friends who have gotten pregnant while breastfeeding….not at the same time, but…you know what I mean.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=20309071 Ashley Little

    I also know people who have gotten pregnant while breastfeeding. It is NOT an effective form of birth control at all. If you have checked with doctors, it is irresponsible of them to tell you that breastfeeding is a form of birth control. Nobody should be using it as such.

    • http://www.facebook.com/schnicka Katie Murdoch


  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505699034 Kelsey Taylor

    I was actually really excited to read this, because I have migraines that make it so I can’t take regular birth control, I have to take the “mini pill.” But, at least it was hilarious. Thanks!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1737174577 Cristina Sifuentes

    Actually it is very possible to get pregnant while breastfeeding. It is a common misconception (no pun intended) that you cannot. Just for reference I work with and for pregnant/ breastfeeding women daily.

  • Anonymous

    Are you EXCLUSIVELY breastfeeding, or are you sumepeplnting? Are you nursing on demand? Does baby have long periods of sleep or are you nursing around the clock?Since you are only 8 weeks PP, are you sure you’re having a period already, or are you still having lochia from the birth? If you are exclusively BF, it would be odd for you to be having a period this early on.Check out the links below to learn more about LAM and also about birth control and breastfeeding.

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