Five New Methods of Birth Control

As many of you know, birth control came under fire last month when Rush Limbaugh called Georgetown Law School student Sandra Fluke a foul, derogatory four-letter word (hint: it rhymes with “blut”) for supporting insurance coverage mandates of a drug that at least 50% of the adult American population could benefit from.  However, Rush has a point, which is that…wait, sorry, what was I saying?

What if contraception is not the only way to prevent STDs, promote sexual health or defend women against unwanted pregnancies or rape? Oh, it is? Well, that’s just silly. Here are 5 alternate methods of birth control you can rely on, and I assure you—there are at least a hundred more where these came from:

1. Breastfeeding – Lactate your way to safer sex. According to Planned Parenthood, women who are breastfeeding cannot get pregnant. Well, technically, you have to have sex first, get pregnant, have a kid, then breastfeed–but isn’t that just a case of chicken and the egg?

2. Hide Rick Santorum In Your Vagina- If Rick Santorum so much as whiffs male pheromones, he will crawl out of your warm woman-cave and claw the face off of every potential suitor in a 10-mile vicinity.

3. Hire Edward Cullen To Defend Your Honor – It’s sad that we’re taking cues from a fictional vampire, but if he won’t do it, then who will?

4. Become Nancy Grace – No one will touch you with a ten foot pole. And if anyone tries to, he will travel through Dante’s 7 layers of Hell for an entire hour on cable television, and every middle-aged soccer mom in America will join you in hating the crap out of him.

5. Contract the Bubonic Plague – Everyone knows the ancient Greek proverb, “If you get sick and die, you can’t have sex.”  A slow, tortuous bacteria-induced death is a small price to pay for preserving an antiquated idea of self-respect.

Woman taking pill image via ShutterStock

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