Five Excuses I Give For Looking At The American Apparel Website At Work

I’m not a creepster.  I don’t sit behind my desk ogling at the American Apparel website.  And when I am on it, I’m certainly not there for the wrong reasons.  Sure, they have beautiful models… sure, sometimes said models are wearing next to nothing… but I always have a good reason for surfing.

Okay. Just take off your judging hats for one minute.  What if I did want to see some racy yet classy photos between the hours of 9 and 5?  No big deal, right? Al Gore created websites to be looked at, and last time I checked, it doesn’t say, “NSFW” anywhere on that website… so I’m just gonna go ahead and keep assuming it’s “SFW”.  Nuthin’ wrong with that.  When I do get caught, however, I may have some ‘splaining to do.  Here’s a list of some excuses:

1.  “I’m Buying Clothes For My Girlfriend”

This one usually gets me off the hook.  Nowhere in the work handbook did it say anything about buying dancewear for your lady.  I feel like if it were prohibited, there would be a section – or a subsection, at the very least – addressing it.  I can’t help that some of these unitards are micro-mesh or floral lace (whatever that means).

I often run into trouble with this excuse when my boss says, “You don’t have a girlfriend.” I quickly retort with, “Yeah I do” and then he/she (I’m not giving you any info on my boss) says, “No way, couldn’t be.”  I assume he/she doesn’t believe me because of the Batman action figure on my desk, or maybe because I never wear a belt.  But you know what?  I can prove it ‘cuz of Facebook.

Bosses find it hard to argue with the “shopping for my girlfriend” argument because of the first rule of bossing: “Consideration”.  Bosses didn’t get through bossing school being stubborn; they’re better than that.   Why don’t you buy your boss a beer? He/she’s a good guy/lady.  What I’m trying to say is, my boss will  always be more lenient if I’m doing something nice for my boo.

2.  “What’s American Apparel?”

Great excuse.  It usually goes something like this:

(*Authority Figure will be played by Daniel Day Lewis and I’ll be played by me)

Authority Figure:  Jason, why the hell are you looking at ladies swimwear? Is that a nipple?!

Me: Umm what?  I was just at, reading up about the debt ceiling and other issues of the day and this ad must have popped up.  (Looks at the website) Oh my!  What is this nonsense?

Authority Figure: Come on, you were clearly looking at the American Apparel website.

Me:  The what what? I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what that is.  My apologies. I’m going to finish up the rest of my work now so I can get out on time to volunteer at the food shelter.

Deny deny deny.  They can’t get me in trouble if I don’t know what I did.  Also, it’s totally plausible that I haven’t heard of American Apparel.  I mean, I’ve had the same six shirts since 2002.  I don’t know about clothes.

3.  “What’s the Internet?”

This one goes a little something like this:

Authority Figure: Jason! We are trying to work and you’re over there staring at neon thong underwear!  You wanna tell me what the hell is going on?

Me:  Looking at what?  I’m not looking at anything.  I’m just minding my business over here, thinking about rescuing a few  needy greyhounds.  I’ll most likely adopt a few pets this weekend. I have no preference between cats and dogs.

Authority Figure:  No no no, you’re looking at the American Apparel website.  We’re gonna have to revoke your Internet privileges if this continues.

Me:   Website? Inner-net? I’m sorry but you might as well be speaking a foreign language. Don’t know what you mean.  I certainly don’t know what an inner-net is.  Is that a soccer thing?

And… scene.  Okay, I know what you’re thinking: “I’m hungry.”  Well, I am too.  Go make yourself a cheese quesadilla, friend.  You’re also thinking: “Dude, of course you know what the Internet is.  Everyone knows what the Internet is” and yeah, you’d probably be right, but what if I had an accident or something like that and it caused me to forget? People get into boating and ladder accidents all the time.  Both are very real.

4.  “I’m Thinking About Investing in the Company”

I use this excuse when I want to let my boss know that I’m a responsible adult.  From what I’ve gathered, responsible adults invest in companies.   I’d just have to say something like, “Listen here, image is everything and if I’m gonna invest in a company, I’m sure as heck gonna do my homework, Gerry!  I need you to give me some space here so I can get back to business and doing what I do best…business.”  Then when I have some space, I explain that I was going to bring the idea to the whole company when I had done enough research, and then say something like, “Jeez, we could get rich.  Don’t you wanna get rich?  This stuff is cheap.  Smart and cheap.”  I make them think that me being on the American Apparel website is helping them.  Genius? I didn’t say it.

 Not only will this get me off the hook but it could also open up so many doors.  Heck, if my boss thinks of me as a responsible adult, I might even be allowed to drive a company car, or have a credit card… or go on a WORK TRIP.  Do you know how badly I want to go on a work trip?  Free plane ride, free hotel stay, free all kinds of other stuff – it’s like you’re on a secret mission that everyone at the company knows about.

5.  “I’m Starting My Own Clothing Website”

If you’re going to use this excuse, you have to be very careful.  This could get you fired.  If your boss thinks that you are using work hours to plot your escape, then you’re screwed…so remember: it’s all in the phrasing.  It might go something like this:

Authority Figure:  Wait what?  You’re looking for new work on a company computer?!  This is grounds for termination, so choose your words wisely!

Me: First… you’re right.  I would never do something like that.  I love this company and I have to say I think of you as an important mentor in my life.  And if there’s one thing that you’ve taught me – you’ve actually taught me a lot, but most  importantly – it’s that you have to spread your wings!  Remember that? Remember when you said that?

Authorty Figure: Umm, I don’t think I said that….

Me: Of course you did! It was when we were in Portland and it was one of the most important things that’s ever been said to me.  I’m not gonna lie to you.  Was I looking to start a business? Sure I was.  I need to write my own destiny, another great thing you said to me, but the moment you walked in here today I realized something….I need you and you need me.  We’re gonna take this company to the top! What do ya say?!

Authority Figure: Get back to work.

See it works!  If this ever happens to you, just use my excuse verbatim.  That being said, it’s kind of a lot to go through just to see a girl that resembles the main character from Pokemon wearing a couple strings being held together with an old lock washer.  Use at your own discretion.

As Rich Nixon famously said, “Honesty is the best policy.”  Sure, Rich, but I don’t necessarily agree with you.  Sometimes the best policy is the one that lets you see boobs on the job.  ;P  No but seriously, I was joking, I’ve never seen that site.

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