Hi, my little jalapeno poppers. You’re looking quite spicy and fat free today. What’s up with me? Well, I am on day seven of ignoring (pronounced British) me Mum’s text messages. I know, I know. It’s not the nicest thing a pretty little peanut daughter can do, but hear this lightly salted delight out. It’s a family fight, not a real life fight. Does that make sense? Because real life fights are real and possibly life-changing. Whereas family fights barely count because regardless of who’s right or wrong, you can’t get rid of them and/or swap them out for parents that don’t call you every 10 minutes to tell you who in your high school has gotten pregnant, again.

If you are anything like other humans on the planet you have, at some point, had the honor of “fighting with the fam”. This ongoing stage in your life is an everyday occurrence and a laughable one at that. You see, I grew up in a family of women and my poor (pronounced like a baby) Da Da lives no more than a mile down the road from my Mom who, since the divorce 21 years ago, still pranks him on the phone daily.  I mean, in retrospect, if they really wanted to, they could have killed each other years ago. But alas, they stayed civil for my big sister and I so  in the end, we could try to kill each other like normal, healthy siblings.

What is it with your own family that makes you want to fight each other? It’s like a weird chip that’s installed into the every human specimen that triggers this ongoing love/hate relationship with the people that birthed you and those that you’ve birthed. Now, I was good kid. Not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen but I had personality. I don’t really enjoy bickering and believe me, I have seen those wretched children that do. You know the kind – the ones yelling bloody Mary on the airplane that make you go, “I bet tying my tubes wouldn’t be so bad.” But then I have also seen children that are crazy smart and well-adjusted, like the dope ones that write on this site. They aren’t looking for a fight, so why does it happen?

I am guessing it has something to do with loving your family too much. It has to be the case. You care about your family so intensely that you just can’t communicate it properly anymore. For example: nagging. In families, everybody nags each other. What friend do you have in your immediate circle that you let nag you all the time? No one. I guarantee it. And if you do, I’d love to meet this person and introduce them to my Mom so I can give them a reality show.

As the days go on, the Motherly nagging, evil sister that’s too busy to call you back and Dad putting grandpa on the phone cause he’s too busy “building stuff to stop your Mother” are all beginning to get to me.  It’s all family nonsense and I can’t do anything because they are “blood”. Ah, my favorite excuse.  But is that really the case? Do you always always have to make up with your family and play nice even though they drive you mad? Macaulay Culkin divorced his family. I like Macaulay Culkin. I don’t know him. But he got a divorce when he was 9, so that’s gives him some street cred. Now, I may not be in the market for a full-blown divorce but I am definitely utilizing a texting break before I say things that I don’t mean. (My favorite stab at my sister, you ask? “The only reason why people talk to you is because you have a D-cup.”) Boom. Complimentary, yet biting. Just my style.

Look, some people  have single-handedly found a way to manage their crazy-face relatives without sacrificing a loss in numbers.  There’s books out there that help, or possibly therapy or my favorite cooking/eating, eating/cooking. But in the end, the plain jane solution is to laugh at them. Yup, just laugh. Family life doesn’t have to be dramatic and I think it’s healthy to take a phone call break from them every once in a away so long as you politely communicate your need. So, just laugh. At every patronizing sentence, ignorant comment about your Hispanic friend Jose and my personal favorite, when they hang up on you because your “tone” was too stern. We can’t pick our family (even though I bet a pumpkin patch filled with parents would kill at a street fair if only someone would legalize it). So we must make it work. That said, can someone in Pittsburgh grab me from the airport right now? My entire family seems to have changed their numbers…

Video not exclusive to Hellogiggles

Image via get your Phil