Federal Employee Gets Busted for Farting, Freelance Flatulence-Fearing Writer Struggles to Comment on the Story

I can find humor in anything except things that involve bathroom activities. Come at me with your dirtiest sex joke or your least PC yuk-yuk and I won’t find anything wrong with it. But if you talk about anything involving any of the many disgusting things that escape from our bodies, I will want to leave the room until it’s over. I hate these liquids, solids and gasses equally. I can’t even handle sweat. I can’t even handle the concept of sweat. I want to kill myself from June until September and then periodically throughout the remaining months when I over-layer.

I had to have a glass of wine before I was able to write “farting” in the title of this post. I will have to have another glass of wine to get over repeating it just then.

You can see why writing about the recent formal write up a federal employee received for stinking up his or her office several times a day with no remorse and little apology has become my own personal Everest. I decided to tackle the five page report the only way I knew how: step-by-step.

December 30, 2012, 7:48 AM EST: I see an e-mail from one of HelloGiggles’ amazing editors asking if I wanted to write up a “super silly” article about the a-fart-mentioned situation.

December 30th, 2012, 7:48 AM – 1:48 PM EST: I struggle between being a good little freelancer and showing a gung-ho attitude for every bone thrown my way or just e-mailing back an all-caps “NO THANK U, XOXO” before washing myself four times until I finally feel clean again. Decide to overcome my fears and graciously accept assignment.

January 2, 2013, 10:29 PM EST: Start reading the report.

January 2, 2013, 10:30 PM EST: Stop reading report.

January 2, 2013, 10:31 PM EST – 10:39 PM EST: Read the report in between bouts of staring at the ceiling. Begrudgingly laugh twice.

January 2, 2013, 10:41 PM EST: Question everything I know about my inner self after laughing at a sentence about farts.

January 2, 2013, 10: 42 PM EST: Marvel at the timetable of farts. Marvel that a human had to create a timetable for another human’s farts.

January 2, 2013, 11:22 PM EST: I have become mildly comfortable with saying the word fart. This written warning changed more than the work environment of so many offended olfactory-owning organisms, but it opened my eyes to a whole new world. This memo about farts was the Aladdin to my Jasmine.

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