I have a plan. In the future, when I finally decide to give up my strenuous life of trying to be Kate Middleton, I will stalk every one of my male celebrity crushes until one of them (preferably Joseph Gordon-Levitt) finds my numerous Twitter messages endearing and allows me to bear him many offspring. When the children are born, the core part of my plan will take effect: I will only speak to them with a British accent until they develop ones themselves.
You think I’m crazy. Whatever. When we’re all in nursing homes watching our sons and daughters spawn mini-mes of their own, my grandchildren will all inherit the British accent that I created and I can sit back and watch my absurd science experiment unfold. Best of all, I can force them to say anything I want them to, including these phrases which I’ve always found to be particularly entertaining.
I want to say that from 5th grade to 9th grade I played soccer but if I did, I’d be lying. Not because I actually played baseball or I only started in 7th grade or anything like that but because 10 percent of our practices involved actually kicking the ball around and the other 90 percent involved us cornering our British coach and forcing him to say this word multiple times. Why? Water bottle, when pronounced by an American, sounds like “wah-ter bah-tull.” In contrast, water bottle, when pronounced by a Brit, sounds like “wah-uh buh-ull.” Besides the fact that most of us never even brought our own water bottles (everyone opted for Fruit2O at the time), this was always the most rewarding parts of playing soccer.
The only thing I like more than David Beckham ordering a milkshake in the new Burger King commercial is how he orders it, specifically, how he says “strawberry.” Because strawberry, when blessed with the gift of being said by an attractive British man, sounds more like “stro-bree” rather than the American “strah-ber-e.” And don’t even get me started on “banana.”
Neville may have brought sexy back in the last Harry Potter installment but Oliver Wood was the original Hogwarts heartthrob. In addition to good looks, Mr. Wood knew how to use that British accent to his advantage which is why I swoon during the scene where he explains Quidditch to Harry and describes the bludgers as “nasty little boo-gahs.” (It sounds like “nasty little boogers” when I describe it but I assure you, Ollie makes it sound delightful. Don’t let me ruin it for you.) Anyone that can make a word that includes the word “bug” is simply magical.
Rubbish, meaning something that is worthless, trumps the American equivalent “stupid” any day. Not only is it classier but it even sounds better. “Roob-ish.” This word is so beautiful, I wouldn’t even be offended if someone called me rubbish with a genuine accent. In fact, I might even like it. (Cue creepy winking face.)
Not to make another HP reference but if it weren’t for Ron Weasley, this phrase would not be nearly as fantastic. Pronounced “blue-d el,” this British catch phrase sparks images of puppies and rainbows in my stomach instead of an actual bloody hell (which, as I’m thinking about the literal translation, would be terrifying).
So maybe I can’t be Kate Middleton but if I can master her accent and brainwash my children into mastering it too, we as a family will all be one step closer to drinking tea with our pinky fingers up and adopting a fashion sense straight out of a Burburry magazine. What are your favorite words said with a British accent (or any other accent that you may fancy)? Because when JGL is ready to commit to his future wife and give me some offspring, we’re going to need plenty of ammunition to fire up this language endeavor. After all, those accents aren’t going to develop themselves.
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