Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST Favorite Christmas Songs that Are Actually Kind of a Bummer Almie Rose

Christmas songs are either jolly and silly or somber and holy, but sometimes they can be creepy, sad or just… weird. I’m serious! Check out this list of favorite Christmas songs that are actually kind of a bummer. And I’m sorry in advance for ruining your merry holiday. Bwuahaha.

5. “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay.

christmas lights

Photo: Viktor Gladkov / Shutterstock

I know, whose “favorite” Christmas song is by Coldplay? Just bear with me from here on out, okay? So. We’ve got Christmas lights. What’s so sad about Christmas lights? Chris Martin finds a way. Here are some lyrics:

Christmas night, another fight
Tears, we cried a flood
Got all kinds of poison in
Of poison in my blood

By the time you get to the end of the song and the guy sings, “It doesn’t really feel like Christmas at all,” you start to realize, “Yeah this was probably meant to be an anti-Christmas song.” Still, way to ruin Christmas, Chris!

Chris+Martin

He’s just been told Gwyneth is putting them on a new diet of only organic air.

Photo: Gf/Bauer Griffin via Zimbio

4. “Grown-Up Christmas List” by Michael Bublé

christmas list

Photo: Tinatin / Shutterstock.com

Apparently in Bublé’s world, a “grown-up Christmas list” is not “a robot, a bag of money, some good bourbon, a rice cooker, and another robot” but is instead, “No more lives torn apart/That wars would never start/And time would heal all hearts/And everyone would have a friend/And right would always win/And love would never end/This is my grown-up Christmas list.”

Boooooooooring.

"Yes, YOU. Fetch me never-ending love and a friend for everyone. It's all specified on my Pinterest."

“Yes, YOU. Fetch me never-ending love and a friend for everyone. It’s all specified on my Pinterest.”

Photo: s_bukley / Shutterstock.com

The song really just makes you want to call him and say, “Michael, it’s not all that bad, really. John and Yoko sang about war in THEIR Christmas song and it was awesome. Why can’t you be more like them? Loser” and then hang up and hear him cry.

That’s on MY Christmas list.

3. “Frosty The Snowman”

frosty snowman

Photo: Smit / Shutterstock.com

Have you actually listened to the lyrics of “Frosty The Snowman”? I remember feeling unsettled by the song when I was a little kid, much like with “Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer” except that Rudolph’s song ended happily when the stupid Reindeer club for jerks let Rudolph join. But if you read the lyrics of Frosty’s song, you realize that things don’t end happily.

In fact, Frosty narrowly escapes death.

"Thug life, bitches!"

“Thug life, bitches!”

Photo: Smit / Shutterstock.com

He’s laughing and playing with the children until he realizes that the sun is coming out — so he runs. Just freaking makes a break for it, like he robbed a bank. He briefly stops running when a policeman shouts “STOP!” because Frosty runs through a red light. So Frosty almost dies twice. But he tells the kids not to worry. And then he leaves. Presumably forever.


2. “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”

fireplace stockings

Photo: Jo Ann Snover / Shutterstock.com

It’s the quintessential Christmas classic that everyone sang, from Bing Crosby to Johnny Cash to Dean Martin to that drunk guy on the bus.

Classic Darryl!

Classic Darryl!!

Photo: Oleg Mikhaylov / Shutterstock.com

“I’ll be home for Christmas/You can count on me” the singer promises. “Please have snow and mistletoe” they add. “Well of course they will,” you think. “You’re coming home for Christmas! Hooray!” Yes, “I’ll be home for Christmas,” the singer promises, “…if only in my dreams.”

Wait, what?? What kind of jerk puts a sad twist ending in a Christmas song?

You caption the joke. Best caption wins my admiration.

Photo: Debby Wong / Shutterstock.com

Now I picture someone singing mournfully into a snow globe and as they shake it, they count their sorrows on every fake little snowflake. And that makes me sad face pretty hard.

1. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

snowing

Photo: Dmitry Savin / Shutterstock.com

Nothing says Sexy Christmas Times like Dean Martin crooning to some unsuspecting lucky gal, “Aww but baby it’s cold outside.” However, why is he telling her this? Because she’s trying to leave. She’s trying to leave and the singer doesn’t want her to. He’s forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do but he’s trying to convince her that she wants to do it.

blurred-lines

Where have we heard this before?

Photo: “Blurred Lines” screencap / YouTube.com

At one point the female singer sings, “Say, what’s in this drink?” Yeah, that’s right. The dude drugged her. You know, because it’s cold outside.

man in santa hat with present shirtless

You don’t understand, it’s VERY cold outside. Now open your present!

Photo:  PonomarenkoNataly / Shutterstock.com

What are some of YOUR favorite Christmas songs?

 

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  1. Two come to mind that didn’t make your list come to mind: 1. Father Christmas by the Kinks. A guy playing Santa in the department store gets beat up by a bunch of lower-class brats all like “GIVE US SOME MONEY”. In the end, though, they’re the ones he sympathizes with, singing “Just remember the kids who have nothing/while you’re drinking down your wine.”
    2. Fairytale of New York by the Pogues. A guy & his girlfriend in an argument after she bails him out of the drunk tank on Christmas day. (Despite what it sounds like, it really is a beautiful song…)

  2. To make it more sad, I learned this year that “I’ll be home for Christmas ” was written by World War II soldier. That’s what he’s only able to dream of Christmas home.

  3. Do They Know it’s Christmas Time? “The only gift they’ll get this year is life.” “thank God it’s only them instead of you.” Basically the song says stop feeling down about yourself, it could be worse, you could be African. How does that make Africa feel?

  4. I honestly think in “Baby, it’s cold outside”, she’s simply being flirtatious. She know’s what is in her drink, she’s just being coy about it. Not everything is an attempt to degrade women.

  5. Miracles in December by EXO. It’s in Korean but man is it ever sad no matter the language. Basically the basis is that the boys weren’t very good boyfriends and their girlfriends left them and now they know what they did wrong and don’t want to be alone for the holidays. in the video you see them preparing a gift and going to meet the girl they lost and just when she appears and there’s a big smile on their faces… she disappears and leaves them alone.

    WHY. WHY DID YOU DO THIS!? Yet I will still listen to it on repeat this season because it’s too good to not.

  6. Actually Kelly clarkson is the original singer for grown up Christmas list. I do agree that it is a downer.

  7. The history behind “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” is very somber. It was written during WWII when many young men were away from their families for the first time in their lives. Being home for Christmas wasn’t possible for some of them, so dreaming about being with family away from war was what got them through.

    My Grandfather (a WWII vet) wasn’t a very emotional man, but this song brought him to tears every single time.

  8. I disagree about “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” She HAS to leave but she doesn’t want to. She’s clearly been spending time with her lover (“The evening has been so very nice” and “maybe just a half a drink more”) but it’s getting late and she’s concerned about what other people will think (“My mother will start to worry… and father will be pacing the floor” and “There’s bound to be talk tomorrow”)
    “I know you want it” screams rape culture, the gentle persuasion in “Baby it’s cold outside,” very different. Sorry, it’s one of my favorite Christmas songs and I think it’s very romantic.

  9. Um, how come “The Christmas Shoes” is not on this list. That has to be the saddest Christmas song of all time!! I’m not sure if the movie came first, but either way…sad. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qq_ZSaDHI2M

  10. maybe he didn’t drug the drink…maybe it was just really boozy….

  11. The Yellowcard cover of Christmas Lights is better!

  12. She & him’s video for Baby it’s Cold Outside pretty accurately portrays the creepiness of that song haha

  13. Grown-Up Christmas List was not written by Bublé: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grown-Up_Christmas_List

  14. Baby, It’s Cold Outside is totally the Blurred Lines of Christmas Songs.

  15. I’m just SO glad someone else addressed the creepiness that is “Baby it’s Cold Outside.” Or as I like to refer to it, “The official date-rape song of Christmas.”

  16. Last Christmas is my absolute favorite Christmas song, but it’s so sad!

  17. How about the original Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, from Meet Me In St. Louis…its my favorite holiday song but super depressing.