Christmas songs are either jolly and silly or somber and holy, but sometimes they can be creepy, sad or just… weird. I’m serious! Check out this list of favorite Christmas songs that are actually kind of a bummer. And I’m sorry in advance for ruining your merry holiday. Bwuahaha.
5. “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay.
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I know, whose “favorite” Christmas song is by Coldplay? Just bear with me from here on out, okay? So. We’ve got Christmas lights. What’s so sad about Christmas lights? Chris Martin finds a way. Here are some lyrics:
Christmas night, another fight
Tears, we cried a flood
Got all kinds of poison in
Of poison in my blood
By the time you get to the end of the song and the guy sings, “It doesn’t really feel like Christmas at all,” you start to realize, “Yeah this was probably meant to be an anti-Christmas song.” Still, way to ruin Christmas, Chris!
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4. “Grown-Up Christmas List” by Michael Bublé
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Apparently in Bublé’s world, a “grown-up Christmas list” is not “a robot, a bag of money, some good bourbon, a rice cooker, and another robot” but is instead, “No more lives torn apart/That wars would never start/And time would heal all hearts/And everyone would have a friend/And right would always win/And love would never end/This is my grown-up Christmas list.”
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The song really just makes you want to call him and say, “Michael, it’s not all that bad, really. John and Yoko sang about war in THEIR Christmas song and it was awesome. Why can’t you be more like them? Loser” and then hang up and hear him cry.
That’s on MY Christmas list.
3. “Frosty The Snowman”
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Have you actually listened to the lyrics of “Frosty The Snowman”? I remember feeling unsettled by the song when I was a little kid, much like with “Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer” except that Rudolph’s song ended happily when the stupid Reindeer club for jerks let Rudolph join. But if you read the lyrics of Frosty’s song, you realize that things don’t end happily.
In fact, Frosty narrowly escapes death.
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He’s laughing and playing with the children until he realizes that the sun is coming out — so he runs. Just freaking makes a break for it, like he robbed a bank. He briefly stops running when a policeman shouts “STOP!” because Frosty runs through a red light. So Frosty almost dies twice. But he tells the kids not to worry. And then he leaves. Presumably forever.
2. “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”
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It’s the quintessential Christmas classic that everyone sang, from Bing Crosby to Johnny Cash to Dean Martin to that drunk guy on the bus.
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“I’ll be home for Christmas/You can count on me” the singer promises. “Please have snow and mistletoe” they add. “Well of course they will,” you think. “You’re coming home for Christmas! Hooray!” Yes, “I’ll be home for Christmas,” the singer promises, “…if only in my dreams.”
Wait, what?? What kind of jerk puts a sad twist ending in a Christmas song?
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Now I picture someone singing mournfully into a snow globe and as they shake it, they count their sorrows on every fake little snowflake. And that makes me sad face pretty hard.
1. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”
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Nothing says Sexy Christmas Times like Dean Martin crooning to some unsuspecting lucky gal, “Aww but baby it’s cold outside.” However, why is he telling her this? Because she’s trying to leave. She’s trying to leave and the singer doesn’t want her to. He’s forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do but he’s trying to convince her that she wants to do it.
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At one point the female singer sings, “Say, what’s in this drink?” Yeah, that’s right. The dude drugged her. You know, because it’s cold outside.
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What are some of YOUR favorite Christmas songs?