So you think you’re fat. And let me guess, you also think if you were just skinny, you’d be so happy and fulfilled that everything in your life would be wonderful and make sense. Also in this skinny life, you might finally get that guy or girl you’ve had your eye on. And everyone will love you. Work, school, and life will be easier in general. I am sure you know where this is going. Of course you know logically that this fantasy is false, but it’s hard to emotionally let go of it. That’s the most important part of this thought process: it’s an emotional one, not a rational one, and therefore not a productive or healthy thought process to go through. Beating yourself up about food intake is not a healthy way to live, not only when it comes to physical health, but mental health. Which is where the key to physical health lies. True physical balance comes from mental and emotional balance. Not to mention the happiness that comes with feelings okay about your body and food. There’s nothing worse than being miserable at your own hand: hating yourself and punishing the body that you designate as separate from “you.”
If you feel you are fat or could be fat and it’s a terrifying prospect that’s out of your control, most likely the source of your feelings are in a place you’re not looking. It’s a deceptive issue that it veils itself in something we don’t consider a vice: food. But in a way because of that it’s much worse. How dare something rob you of the pleasure that should be natural in life: nourishment. Not to fear, this doesn’t have to be permanent, but it must be dispelled. And you must work to dispel it. And it’s a worthy pursuit. Fearing food and “being fat” can rob you of so much happiness and fulfillment in your life. In some cases it can literally take life.
In many cases issues with food come from a time long ago: a time when you were young and something made you feel you were not loved. This could have been a family dynamic or perhaps that someone hurt you to make you feel they did not love you. Most of the time as kids we digest acts we don’t understand as a reflection of ourselves, “If they don’t take care of us, that must be our fault.” Sometimes these feelings will cause us to feel our worth lies solely on our ability to make people love us, and that responsibility is to say the least, stressful. It’s also a misperception. That view of us is a picture that we paint around ourselves, and though sometimes our family dynamics can reinforce it repeatedly to us, it is not real. Relief from this pain is possible and with it more health and beauty come naturally. Decide that you want this relief for yourself, and walk towards it. It does exist.
Our family scenarios often set up a lot of how we deal with food. It becomes a way that we act out our role within our family: sometimes it’s the only control we have, other times it’s a way to refuse what we feel is a lie being fed to us. This all sounds extreme and hyperbolic, but when it happens it’s a hidden emotional process that we are for the most part unaware of. In other cases this obsession with food comes from stress or trauma: a time that made us feel so stressed or scare of what we couldn’t control that we displaced this fear and lack of control onto ourselves. Somewhere along the line, food becomes something to displace worry and stress and overlay feelings of lack of control. It becomes a metaphor for these feelings, but it’s not truly the source of these feelings.
The worst part of both of these things is that in the process suddenly your body becomes separate from “you.” This is when balance becomes difficult because you’re no longer able to feel what’s truly going on in your body. When your body is a separate thing, no longer receiving nourishment when it needs nourishment but when your brain decides it should have it based on emotions, eating can turn into something scary or drug-like. There’s no logic or pacing other than a roller coaster of emotions: you feel like you have no control and that is terrifying. When you eat too much you feel hugely upset. When you don’t eat enough, you’re starving.
Nice Article! I think nourishment IS actually a drug as it causes serotonin to be released from what I’ve heard and so a delicate balance exists. I try not to eat just to satisfy an emotional state but to fulfill nutritional needs and cravings. Sometimes you feel like having something particular and I believe that is your body’s way of asking for it.
Strangely enough I had an erotic dream, which is something that happens maybe a few times a year for me. It was with the Who’s That Girl pixie like character, the brunette with pale skin. If she had freckles she would be my ideal woman. The dream was curious in that it wasn’t inherently sensual, but the process of love making was totally perfect, like a religious experience. It wasn’t graphic, just the impression of perfection. In the dream I was not a bit overweight and the performance of both parties was breathtaking. Hopefully this is a goal for me to achieve….that is achieve a health weight while maintaining strength and vigor. Then if I ever run into Zooey Deschanel and she is available I could actually manage a wink.
Thank you for sharing this great article. Since childhood I’ve always been “chubby”. I swear I don’t even remember wearing a girls 14-16; I just recall going from kids clothes straight to Juniors. I’ve always been insecure about my weight, even though to be honest I’m not overly overweight. Growing up with a younger sister who is thin and has few curves has sometimes made me jealous; although, it’s funny because she says she’s jealous I got all the curves. As I’ve grown older (now 27) I have my moments of struggling with not being a size 5, which I think will never be, but it’s great to see websites like this encouraging girls to accept themselves and focus on health primarily and not just have a goal to be thin. Also, although the majority of celebrities are tiny, it’s great to see “normal” size girls on tv and movies breaking stereotypes. Despite personal preferences about Lena Dunham, Khloe Kardashian, Adele, Kate Upton and others, I’m happy to see them breaking the mold in magazines and tv. Now the next goal- get designers to stop calling anything above a size 2 plus size would be incredible! Why can’t it just be a size… not a PLUS size! I think my size 10/12 on my 5’7 frame is pretty average!
Thanks Tara! Here, here. You sound very mature, balanced and confident, which I think makes for a much more beautiful outward appearance than any clothing could. Thanks so much for your comment
xox
I’ve been affected by this issue, and I solved by starting therapy and seeing a nutricionist, and also yoga classes helped me a lot, in several ways. Great article!!
Thank you Vero, so glad to hear that. I am very happy for you and I wish you much more positivity to come! xox Sarah
Thank you, Sarah! This was a wonderful perspective on an issue that has really affected me, some of my friends, and probably most girls living in today’s skinny-obsessed society. It is really true that in order to be physically well, we have to work on our emotional wellness first.
Totes agree, Rachel. xoxo
Maria, find a new GP. That is unprofessional, not to mention just mean. If he seriously thinks you should lose weight, there are more appropriate ways of going about such.
You said it, Sarah! x
Gosh this is the best article ever. Do you follow me around or something? Get out of my head. No, don’t, because I needed this. So much. Thank you.
LOL that makes me happy, Cattie-Bree.
xo
The tummy picture looks like normal skinfat to me. It´s actually normal for a girl to have a little bit more than that – I can´t tell you how much. Ask a doctor or a dietician if you are worried.
Hi-larious Hans.
When one looks at pictures from 50 years ago it’s quickly becomes apparent that what “In Shape” meant then and what it means now is far different. Back then the standard wasn’t 12% body fat it was more like 20%. It was a more healthy look. That being said, in looking at these pictures of 50 years yore, one wouldn’t likely see the amount of obesity that is now so common. What has changed over the last 50 years that has precipitated this range of extremes? One thing for sure is the availability of fast food. It’s far easier to eat now than it was in 1963. Not only is it easier but the food quality has diminished with the greater availability. It’s also, quite often, cheaper to eat “fast food” as it is to eat self prepared wholesome food. Since women have taken on different societal rolls other than home maker they have less time than they did 50 years ago for family meal preparation. It’s usually easier to grab something in a bag than it is to prepare a nourishing meal. Another factor that lends toward overweight/obesity is genetic in nature. Some time ago gluttony was a necessity of existance. There was no refrigeration or any other means of food preservation so devouring one’s entire kill was necessary toward life sustenance. The inclination to overeat has not yet evolved out of our genetic disposition. When the two factors of inherent gluttony and readily available/relatively unhealthy food become homogenized it’s obvious as to why the obesity epidemic. The remedy is a coherent plan of diet and exercise. This plan must be continually monitered and adhered to. The motivation for steadfast adherence may come from vanity, the desire to feel good, financial considerations, the fear of one’s own mortality or the combination of any or all of these reasons or others. I, personally, am a fat man in an in shape body. My tendancy is to overeat. If I weren’t extremely proactive I would be obese. This inclination touches every aspect of my life and can never be very far from my conciousness. This perpetual awareness is what it takes for some people to remain in a healthy state. It’s not easy but the rewards are profound.
You should write a book or teach a lecture Robert! I agree, the issue of obesity is super complex with many contributing factors. I too have to make a conscious effort to keep the balance, but thankfully it has gotten easier “with practice.” High school and college years are just about the hardest time for health/weight issues. Thanks so much for your comment! xo
I somewhat agree with you Sarah, but being someone who is currently overweight – it is very hard to feel like you’re beautiful when people are constantly putting you down because of your appearance. Just last week, my GP Doctor actually said to me, you are a pretty girl – imagine what you would look like if you were thin. My GP said that to me. He is in a position of power, and he made me feel like crap.
When people put you down like that, it’s hard to pick yourself up. Unfortunately 10 compliments don’t outweigh someone saying something nasty.
Maria! I can see why it’d be hard to agree with experiences like that. I know you have to work double-duty in the self-love department when you’re experiencing a world that hurts you so much. I wish I could be that extra voice and cheerlead you (and also punch your doc in the face)… Please know that your beauty is seen by those who are given the ability to see it, meaning, those around you who are mean or cruel are seeing a reflection of something inside of themselves overlaid onto you. Not sure this can help your pain, but when I am in a similar emotional place my first step is to direct all my energy away from the negativity, and focus it on actions that will make me feel good, physically and mentally. Usually that’s a hike or a yoga class. It’s hard to feel bad when you’re endorphins kick in. Sending you much love and strength and positivity. xoxoxo Sarah
I absolutely loved this.
As a former ballet dancer, I spent most of my young life hating my own body. In college, I dieted and dieted and tried new fads just to stay thin. I got down to a size 2 by rarely eating and taking two advanced, and grueling, ballet courses a day in the hopes that I could leave school and fulfill my goal of dancing with a big company like Houston Ballet, San Francisco, ABT or the English National Ballet. When classes and injuries clashed and I had to give up my dream, I began to gain weight again and I completely shut down. It was like I had forgotten what it was like to be a normal person. I shut out that aggressive voice by pursuing hobbies that didn’t focus so much on my weight or my body type; I began to write more, spend more time in libraries reading good books and enrolled in some pressure-free acting classes. That was the first time I felt comfortable in my own skin. After taking some fun hip-hop, kickboxing and yoga classes at the gym and by eating healthy, my weight started to go back down again, and I managed to start appreciating good food again rather than feel guilty all the time.
I still struggle constantly with my body and my body image. A part of me thinks that I’ll never fully be cured of my body-dysmorphia, but I’m always striving to keep it closed off as it should be.
Thank you for writing something so profound about something we all struggle with in our own ways.
Wow, Melanie. That’s a profound story and I would bet that overcoming such difficulty is what has brought the most color and complexity to your person. Thanks so much for sharing it and for your kind words! I have a feeling that there are many, many girls following in your footsteps that will benefit from reading your story. xoxo Sarah
I love all your articles, Sarah! Thanks for being so encouraging.
Thank you, Becca
xox
I completely agree with al of this. It kind of also reminds me of Kelly Osbornes weight loss. She said practically the same thing this article states, weight loss is something you have to mentally be prepared for. Over eating definitely has some type of correlation with stress or a means of comfort rather than nourishment. Thank you for putting into words what many need to hear!
Thank you Jorelys!! I will have to find that and check it out! xox
Simply but packed with real truths…. Brilliant
Gosh, thanks Steph!
This woman tells it like it is! Brilliant!
Wowza, thanks Frank!!
To be honest, i disagree with this article. I was overweight, severely for my age and i was very unhappy. I believed that quite a few opportunities passed me by because of the way i looked and in hindsight, i see i was right. I wasn’t happy with the way i looked so i did something about it and i worked hard until i achieved my weightloss goals and my life has been improved massively. Sure i was harsh to myself during the weight loss but now i’m there it’s such a huge relief to know i have taught myself healthy eating habits and can still eat cake whenever i please. If you don’t like something about yourself change it, if you can. Point being though, being cruel to be kind isn’t always a bad thing as long as you come out of it knowing it doesn’t always have to be that way.
I agree with your last point, specifically that a healthy perspective is important and necessary, or as you put it, “…as long as you come out of it knowing it doesn’t always have to be that way.” I think for many it’s tough to keep an awareness of the future when you’re in emotional pain, but you sound like you have a healthy self-awareness and you sound very strong. Thanks for you comment! xo Sarah
http://fidenemini.tumblr.com/post/45056473240/i-am-a-curvy-size-14-the-average-dress-size-in
i just made this earlier before reading this.
Thank you for sharing! I will check it out
I really needed this! I’ve been really struggling with overeating/my weight lately, and I’ve been feeling like I need to lose weight to be prettier, and I need to lose weight to wear a bikini this summer. But I just need to focus on being mentally and physically healthy. I need to stop beating myself up over my body.
Thanks Jaime! I am very happy to hear that xoxoox
Sarah
This article is exactly what I needed :’( Thank you so much!
NP Tati, sending you love! xo
I agree. I think my weight went up when my parents got divorced when I was 10. BUT I was also an over achiever and when P.E. was mandatory in 7th grade and I got a C grade, I vowed to get an A. That was my motivation. I realized at 12 I was disciplined and athletic. It carried on through high school. Now, at 31 my motivation has changed. My husband and I are very “comfortable” with each other which has caused us to lose our high school sweetheart physiques over the years. Just having my second baby 6 weeks ago, I know what my motivation is now – overall health. Most days I feel like I’m a walking line of letter “Z’s”. It makes me sad that I get winded so easily and I crave afternoon naps everyday. My daughter started preschool last Monday and I walk her to and from her bus stop everyday which adds up to 2 miles a day. Baby steps. I literally changed up my eating habits this past Friday…it’ll be tough but worth it.
Thanks Christina! Your story has given me a bit of motivation, too! Thanks for sharing, xoox
Sarah
“Of course you know logically that this fantasy is false, but it’s hard to emotionally let go of it. That’s the most important part of this thought process: it’s an emotional one, not a rational one, and therefore not a productive or healthy thought process to go through.”
“Life is too short to spend any of it beating yourself up or hating yourself in any way.”
“Never treat yourself like an enemy. You’re in the only body you’ve got. Be good to you.”
Sarah, once again, you said it for me. I have never thought of myself as “fat”, but I did wish I were slimmer. Sometimes I still do. I’m pear-shaped and I’m a little too wide on the hips but I’m tall too, and it doesn’t show too much, I think. I’ve always had confidence issues and I still do, and this didn’t help. I used to hate my body, I used to feel like I had a structural flaw and nomatter what I did, I’d never be as slim as I wanted. But we can’t all look the same, we can’t all have the same body type, it’s as simple as that. If you manage to wrap it around your head, it frees you. Instead of trying to change our body, we should try to work with what we’ve got, try to find a way to turn the things that we perceive as flaws into things that makes us stand out from everyone else. It’s not very easy and we all have our occasional breakdowns, but this really is too small a problem to worry about.
I LOVE this article. Thank you! xx
Thank you Amalia!! So glad to hear that and I couldn’t agree more. After traveling a bit recently I started to realize how many beautiful and interesting faces there are outside of my bubble of LA. It’s a shame that everyone wants to look the same here. I hope that the culture will shift in favor of more diverse shapes and sizes in the future! xoxo Sarah
PS. Sarah, you told me once “I needed to blog” and recently I started a Tumblr. I’ve only written a few things and I’ve been inspired a lot by your work. If you want to see it, it’s on http://miranyx.tumblr.com/
AWESOME!!!! I am very excited to read it!!