A secret is a lonely thing. It sits there, taking up space, energy, self. It kind of hurts. It grows more powerful with time, telling us that so much rides on this one thing, and if that thing were to ever come out, the world might just fall apart. It becomes a squatter in our soul: occupying permanent space, preventing us from moving past this one random map point in our lives. When we feel the most trapped by something hidden is probably when we need to reach out the most.
Sitting in silence can eat away at your person and your awareness of the world around you. It removes connections, builds fear and disables your voice. You don’t have to face anything alone. Nor should you. Sometimes when you think you’re isolated in a situation, that illusion in itself is what will cause the most peril. Whatever it is that’s stuck inside, there is someone in your sphere that can relate to you and at the very least truly hear you. You just have to decide who that is and take the leap. You are never as alone as you think you are. Regardless of the degree of the secret that holds you, you can find relief and remove its power just by talking to someone. Anyone. Letting it exist. Confronting it as something that someone else knows, just saying it out loud, will give it just a little less weight.
Even when someone can’t give you the reaction you want or expect, with exposure, the secrets that we fear become much more casual and matter of fact. After you’ve heard yourself say something a few times with differing responses, suddenly they make sense in our realm of “normal”. One thing I’ve learned over time, having told many a secret in the latter part of my life, is that people are, for the most part, very sensitive to the pain of others. Most attempt the “correct” reaction to anything they encounter. The hard part about any conversation of any emotional gravity, despite how you might feel about something and no matter how hard you try to construct the right delivery, most will react with what they understand to be the polite reaction, or the best reaction they can of. When their frame of reference fails them, a default reaction is to simply act as though nothing has happened. To ignore, distract or change the subject, which on the receiving end can feel pretty crappy. This reaction is normal, but it should not be misinterpreted to be a lack of love or support or acceptance. Easier said than done, but no reaction should make you feel regretful that you’ve said it.
If you’re thinking you can’t handle a negative reaction from someone in particular, that it would injure you too much, then don’t say it to that person. Trust your judgment of those you hold close. A lot of people, no matter how much they love you, are incapable of understanding certain things outside of their sphere of experience. Regardless, there is someone out there that is right to talk to – you just might have to hunt a bit to find them.
I hate secrets so I try not to keep any these days, and I have to say, I feel light as a feather. It’s a bit terrifying at first, in that you have to accept the fact that you will be vulnerable to judgment, but in the end, when you let go, you are free. For what it’s worth, without knowing you, I can tell you with great certainty, that no matter what it is that you keep hidden, you are one of many. You are not alone in your experience and your secrets are not as bad as you think they are. I believe we all do our best with what we are given and sometimes we get stuck. A secret cannot and should not hurt you. And it is not who you are. Imagine yourself letting it go.
Love to you all on this sunny Sunday. Xox Sarah
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