SOCIAL STUDIES Exes and Oh Nos Candice Sesi

Last night while studying, I received a very disturbing phone call from a friend – he got dumped. Immediately, I put down my four function calculator and poured a glass of red wine. I needed comfort. To make a long story short, he was dating (i.e. treating to fancy dinners) a chick that was not his usual type; she wore Burberry. His usual type wears … well, I don’t know, pasties? Kidding, but she was preppy to the max, a “girl next door” type, one you may consider safe.

Last week she told him that she feels he may want more than she does, and that she’s “busy and can’t be a good girlfriend right now.” When he told me, all I heard was “Blah blah blah I’m a whore blah blah blah right now.” He was by no means devastated, just irritated with the situation. He didn’t talk to her much the week following, just a few texts here and there. She called him yesterday and told him that “Someone came back into my life and I am going for it.” Well, that’s great, B, but what happened to being so busy that you can’t be a good girlfriend right now?

For the love of God! When someone says things like, “I’m too busy to date” or “I’m not ready for a relationship,” all they are saying is that they wont give up their single life for YOU. They are too busy for YOU. They are not ready for a relationship with YOU. I’m not saying my friend is dumb or naive – he knew all of this, which is exactly why he distanced himself after she unleashed her initial load of dog crap that she didn’t even have the decency to pick up. Okay, I don’t pick up my dog’s number 2, but this isn’t about me.

I don’t want her to date my friend if she doesn’t want to, but she could have handled things better or more honestly. As far as someone coming back into your life, as the saying goes, if you love something let it go, if it comes back its yours. UM, ARE YOU SERIOUS? If it comes back it’s not YOURS. Its back to ruin your life AGAIN. I don’t believe in grudges; I believe in the selfish act of forgiveness. That’s an entirely different article, though.

I read a book that taught me that a breakup is called a breakup because it’s broken. Sure, arguments and fights happen, and more often than not, relationships are stronger because of it. However, if you get to the point that you break up, getting back together may not be the best of ideas. I’m not going to pretend I haven’t been in an on again off again relationship; in fact, I tend to favor these relationships (I’m a creature of habit, sue me for my honesty); hypocritically speaking, she is doomed.

I am happy she is gone, because what else is going to be as much fun for me in 6 months than hearing about how my friend is back together with the preppy girl, then hearing her lame lines and lies, and then pouring myself a huge glass of wine to console me after she dumps him again? Simple answer. NOTHING! In all seriousness though, it is hard not to go back to someone who was once in your life. Things didn’t work out, it feels like a failure, and no one wants a failure on their record, especially when you feel you could have done something differently, or done something more. So we try and try again, we continue to hand over our heart piece by piece and trust that this person doesn’t destroy it again.

We have our doubts, but those few moments of feeling special, make the risk worth it. Soon enough, those moments come fewer and farther between. It isn’t until we realize that the reason we are handing over our heart in pieces is because the person we are handing it to is the same one who broke it, and it will never fully be repaired until we walk away and stop looking back. So go ahead, go back to the same person who damaged you, I have many times, and I’m a better person for it, but if there is one lesson I have taken with me, it’s that loving and trusting with your whole heart feels a hell of a lot better than loving with tiny pieces of a broken heart and doubt looming in that giant pit in your stomach.

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  1. I think that some off again, on again relationships can be harmful because it’s easy to go back to something that’s comfortable. However, I have been dating the same guy since I was 19 and now we are engaged to be married and we have broken up and gotten back together several times. I think wisdom comes into play when deciding if these breaks were opportunities for growth or whether it was so broken that it simply needed to be left behind.

  2. lol, pasties

  3. Unfortunately, I can relate to this all too well. The last paragraph is truly inspiring and so well put. Thank you.

  4. Not always true about relationships not working out the second time. I know of two occasions of break ups where the people got back together and eventually got married…but in those none of the four people dated anyone else while broken up.

  5. HAHAH I read I have It’s Called a Breakup cause It’s Broken!! After He’s just not that into you i had to get my hands on everything similar to it!

  6. Love it, Candice! I pour myself a big glass of wine when I’m listening to my friend’s relationship issues, too! :)

    • OMG I have to sit down, have a drink, and take in every single detail so I can smother them with my bad advice and love.

  7. Someone else can have my sloppy seconds.. but I don’t want theirs.

  8. ” If you love something let it go… It’s come back to ruin your life AGAIN”. So true, I’ve fallen into that trap many times. I think we want to believe that they could and did change, everyone deserves a second chance (or 3rd or 4th, or 17), right? NO, they left my heart is in pieces. Something like 5 manageable chunks. I don’t want to give it back to you to make a fine powder out of it.
    As Minnie Driver said in Grosse Pointe Blank: ” If you love something let ot go. If it comes back to you, it’s probably broke.”

  9. Love this! “Hypocritically speaking, she is doomed.” I totally feel you on that one. I always have to blush after giving my friends relationship advice and look down while mumbling “Do as I say, not as I do”.

  10. For Gods sake, PICK UP YOUR DOGS NUMBER TWO!!!

  11. This seems a little harsh on the ex-girlfriend. Believe it or not, sometimes people don’t WANT to be so blunt and cruel to say I am too busy for YOU, etc. Maybe they actually care a bit and want to try to spare the dumpee’s feelings instead of coming off as a complete hard bitch. There is no easy way to break up with someone, so why fault someone for trying to soften the blow?

    • I understand where you’re coming from, but wouldn’t life be easier if we just didn’t have feelings ;) Thanks for reading!

    • From experience, he tried to “spare my feelings”, but I was already destroyed from his breaking up with me (out of the blue, I might add. I was completely blindsided). From my perspective, it didn’t matter. My feelings were already trashed. I’m a huge proponent of honesty in these moments. It’s better to know than to not know and wonder what it is YOU did, when the problem is solely their’s.

  12. I don’t understand why YOU need to pour yourself a big glass of wine and need comforting when your guy friend calls to tell you he was dumped.

    What do you need consoling from? I don’t get it. If he just dumps his woes on you all the time why don’t you say anything to him about it or don’t take the call?

    Sounds like you want to comfort yourself and complain about it. I didn’t see you mention anything about offering an opinion or encouragement to him.

    • I was being dramatic, as though I was so hurt that he got dumped that I needed wine. I care enough about my friends to feel their broken hearts, I’ll cry with them. Thanks anyway.

  13. If it works when you get back together, cool. From experience, it’s just really hard to let go of someone who you really love. If I didn’t genuinely love him, I would never try over and over if I didn’t love him. But even did, if the same problems keep breaking you up, then maybe you should just stay broken up. That’s just how I see it.

  14. Loved this. I agree based on my experiences. Some people just can’t bear to go through the break up process and dealing with life without their significant other, even when they know they shouldn’t be with them…they can’t see that everything will be okay even if they leave the person. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!