EINTKILF Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From ‘Runaway Bride' Jessica Tholmer

EINTKILF is in rare form today. All lessons are going to be in DO/DON’T form, mostly because I DO love this movie, but I DON’T like absolutely any of the messages it imparts. (PS I love Julia Roberts.)

EINTKILF Runaway Bride

1. Don’t talk smack in a small town.
The gossip mill is tough around these parts, you guys. I happen to live in a small town–I mean, nowhere near as small as Hale, Maryland–but still small enough that everybody knows everyfrigginbody. And you really do have to be careful who you talk about or which bar you go to on certain nights and it is just the worst. In the fictional town of Hale, gossip gets around quick, and everyone knows everyone. 

2. Don’t say yes to a proposal you are not ready for.
Because Maggie Carpenter walks down the aisle a whole bunch of times. I am going to assume that she did not necessarily know all of her fiancees super well before she put those gorgeous white dresses on. So here’s a bit of Mama Jess advice: really, really get to know the person you decide to marry. Though that is not to say that I believe there is a time stamp on relationships. I do not think that a couple who has been together for one year is better or worse off than a couple who gets married after ten, you know? I was with a guy for the better part of three years and we were literally the worst couple you can imagine, so like…time doesn’t mean much.
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That being said, just feel ready before you walk. Divorce is expensive, not to mention tragic and yadda yadda. 

3. Do know what kind of eggs you like.

My favorite thing about this movie is the egg thing.

Maggie is not even aware of her favorite style of eggs because she has always just “had what he’s having.” Even though she ends up admitting that “Benedict” is her favorite kind of eggs, which is not actually a way eggs are made, I still love it to pieces. 

4. Don’t piss off a lady with hair dye.


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Because of this.

5. “Don’t knock drunks in bars. It means they’re not driving.”

I know Ike, who is the worst, says this, but I have to admit that it is 100% true.

6. Don’t invite someone you have hidden feelings for to your wedding rehearsal and then let him stand in as your groom and then kiss him in front of your super cute but kind of pathetic actual fiancee.


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Do I need to add to this lesson?

7. Don’t flirt with your friend’s husband.

My favorite scene of Runaway Bride is the scene in which Maggie and Peggy discuss Peggy’s feelings concerning Maggie’s relationship with Cory.

Maggie: I’m going to kill myself.
Peggy: Why?
Maggie: Because you think I’m all like… “Hey man, check me out.”
Peggy: No, I don’t think you’re like, “I’m charming and mysterious in a way that even I don’t understand and something about me is crying out for protection from a big man like you.” Very hard to compete with. Especially to us married women who have lost our mystery.
Maggie: But you haven’t lost your mystery! You’re very mysterious!
Peggy: No. I’m weird. Weird and mysterious are two different things.
Maggie: But I’m weird.
Peggy: No. You’re quirky. Quirky and weird are two different things.
Maggie: Peggy, there’s a distinct possibility that I might be profoundly and irreversibly screwed up. Despite that, I love you and I can promise that I will no longer flirt with Cory, and I beg your forgiveness.

And then Maggie does that cute platypus face thing and I just love their friendship. Very true to life–at least my life. (I am very much a Maggie.)

plat
8. DO have a good core support group / ladies.

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Nothing is more important than your girlfriends. They are the ones to talk you through your panic (see above), and the ones to comfort you when you have gone crazy or made some kind of a huge mistake. Girlfriends are also the ones who will love you even through wedding number three. Even more than that, they will put those awful dresses on and root for you to make it all the way down the aisle this time. Every time.

9. Don’t ‘sloppy seconds’ your wedding day.

So after Maggie and Ike kiss, they just immediately start talking about marrying each other. What is that about?! She’s all, “I’ve already got the venue” and everything, and I just don’t understand how you could possibly think that using the same venue and dress and floral shop is a good omen. Am I being weird about this or am I right?

10. Don’t marry Richard Gere.

Sorry, but I just think it is not a good idea. No offense.

…okay, maybe offense. A little bit.

Featured image via mediacircus.net, hair dye image via youtube, Chris Maloni image via blu-ray.com, friends image via thefancarpet, Maggie image via totalfilm, platypus image via fanpop.

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  1. I got married in the church pictured in #6!

  2. RE: number 9: I was engaged years ago and then broke it off. I sold the dress and my mom was all, “But you looked so pretty in it! Why would you get rid of it?” I thought it was beyond weird to save the dress and wear it for a different wedding, with a different man, at a different point in my life, so I can’t imagine recycling everything else. Absolutely weird. (Plus, I’ve now decided marriage is not the best idea for me, so at least someone else got some use outta that sucker.)

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