EINTKILF

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From the Women of Disney

Did any of you see Snow White and the Huntsman this weekend? I have little to no interest in watching the movie, but it created such a wonderful reminder in my mind: I look like Snow White. (That’s not what it was. I’m not nearly white enough.) It actually reminded me that Disney Princesses rule. Well, Disney ladies rule. In college, I always got irritated when we overly dogged on Disney for being sexist (well, and racists and capitalists and socialists and communists. People hate Disney.) Maybe my glass is a little too half full, but I have learned nothing but fabulous things from the women of Disney.

EINTKILF Disney Princesses Ladies

1. Do not chase after boys that never wanna grow up.
What’s worse than trying to change a boy into a man and not succeeding? Don’t rush ‘em, ladies and gentlemen. The good ones will come around on their own–eventually–and they certainly do not need a nagging partner to help them along. Reverse psychology, you know? Why would he want to grow up if you are pressuring him to grow up? Plus, they will probably end up falling in love with your granddaughter Gwyneth Paltrow years after you moved on anyway. And at that point, he’ll just be a lying, crying, spying, prying ultra-pig anyway.

2. Fight for what you want.
This applies to pretty much all of the Disney ladies, but dear Ariel comes to mind the most. When I was a kid (CONFESSION TIME), I actually didn’t like The Little Mermaid all that much because I found it kind of grimy that Ariel wanted to ditch her father and sisters and besties for a cute boy. But as a super mature adult who accidentally became a lame-o, sappy romantic about two years ago (I used to be a badass, now I am a mushball), I find it incredibly romantic. Ariel stands up to her king of the world father and makes her own choices, even when everyone tells her she is acting a fool. A little hypocritical when she tries to fight her own daughter’s interest in returning to the sea in the sequel, though. Oh, no one else has seen that?

3. Challenge your partner.
I am quite obnoxiously the kind of girl who likes to tell people what’s wrong with them, and what they should improve on. Especially if we are dating and/or I want to be dating you. That is annoying, huh? Good thing I have a great rack. But seriously, I think calling people out on their business is a great thing. Remember how Nala was hella mad at Simba and basically single paw-edly got him to come back and fight Scar and become King, as he should have done from the beginning? And she got the title of Queen out of it! And that is why you should always speak your mind. Challenging your partner (and your friends, for that matter) is nothing but a great idea.

4. Give second chances.
If Belle had taken the Beast (does he have a real name or what?) at his first impression, she would never have discovered what a wonderful, long-haired sweetheart he really was inside. If Jasmine had chalked up Aladdin to a dirty, rotten liar, he never could have showed her a whole new world. If Lady had taken that prison dog’s word, she never would have had a litter of pups with that adorable ol’ Tramp. If Pocahontas hadn’t—never mind. I’m not poking the Pocahontas thing with a ten foot pole.

5. Women are not prizes to be won.
People, never argue about what a woman wants or needs in front of her. Simply put, we know what’s best for us. No more trophy wives, ladies! It sets us back years and years.

6. It’s okay you’re in love.
If you ask me my favorite Disney song of all time, I will, hands down, claim it as “I Won’t Say I’m in Love” from Hercules. Meg, that saucy little minx, brings the house down (well, my house down) by admitting her feelings of love for Hercules. With wonderful backup singers! Better than the Pips! Go Muses, go!

But seriously, it is totally fine to admit when you are in love. Even if it is unrequited, or if it does not work out, or if he is a god and you are a mere mortal. Like me and Leonardo DiCaprio.

7. Anything you can do, I can do better.
I cannot handle talking about weak female leads in Disney movies when the movie Mulan exists. That chick is way cooler than any boy in any Disney movie ever, unless we are counting animal characters because I am quite partial to Pongo in 101 Dalmatians. She proves herself worthy of fighting a war alongside men, even though she is a cooty-infested girl. No sir, you will not make a man out of me! I will make a woman out of you, Donny!

8. Sometimes, princes do not come in prince form.
Because who needs money and jewels and kingdoms when you can have a frog, or a Beast, or a peasant, or a single dad?
 Don’t give up on those seemingly un-prince types. Everybody has a little prince in them.

9. Kiss the girl.
If you are ever floating in a blue lagoon with someone you have a major crush on and you don’t go for it, I hate you.

If you are ever on a long drive at nighttime and you drop her off at home and you want to kiss her and you are pretty sure she wants you to kiss her and you don’t go for it, I hate you.

If you are watching a movie and your hands are impossibly close to each other’s and you know she wants you to kiss her and you watch the whole movie and you don’t remember anything that has happened because you have been thinking of kissing her and you do not go for it, I hate you.

Think of Eric and Ariel. Or Noah and Allie—spoiler alert: he totally kisses her.

10. Other things:
Redheads rule, always be true to yourself, poor men are better lovers, make sure you have a sidekick, let your hair down, always tell the truth, don’t conform, gadgets and gizmos don’t buy happiness and there must be more than this provincial life (aka travel!).

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