EINTKILF Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From The Santa Clause Jessica Tholmer

No, it is not Tim Allen’s birthday, and before you get mad at me for writing about a Christmas movie in the month of Halloween, I will explain something to you.

I really, really like Christmas. Not Christmas day necessarily (though I obviously like that too), but the Christmas season is what I live for. I look forward to it all year long because there is absolutely nothing greater than the warmth of the holiday aura. I like Hanukkah stuff and Thanksgiving stuff and everything holiday-related stuff. I like hearing the same songs over and over again and I like being cold enough to drink hot chocolate and I love red and green and blue and silver and gold and I just love everything. For whatever reason, my best friend and I have a joke about Christmas on her birthday–I gave her a Christmas card on her birthday? I waited to buy Christmas cards until it was her birthday? Retail stores start selling Christmasy things right around her birthday? We have been friends for far too long for me to remember the specifics, but the real reason for this seemingly out of season post is that tomorrow is my best friend’s birthday and I love her, and I love Tim Allen almost as much as I love her, and her family are big, big fans of this, my second favorite Christmas movie (the first being Home Alone, obviously) and those are my reasons. Not that I need reasons because you never need a reason to talk about what you love at any time of the year. Embrace the spirit.

EINTKILF The Santa Clause

1. People with pointy heads have no imagination.
Charlie: Neil doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
Scott: Well, Neil’s head comes to a point.

Neil’s head coming to a point is probably my favorite line in any movie, and I am really sorry to anyone named Neil because I believe you all to have pointy heads.

(For the record, Judge Reinhold, I do not think your head comes to a point, but I do hope you wear Neil-like circus sweaters.)

2. Let kids run around and use their imaginations.
Neil and Charlie’s mom are such punks. Anyone can believe in Santa! Haven’t they ever heard of “Dear Virginia,” my favorite letter of all time? You do not have to be a baby to believe in Santa Claus. Look at Tim Allen–he’s not a baby and he believes in Santa. And then he becomes Santa. Are you saying you don’t believe in Tim Allen?! Cause I can prove he is real!

No, but seriously, maybe parents should reach an agreement about the whole Santa Claus thing before one parent and her new husband crush kids’ dreams far too young. Six years old, seriously? I believed in Santa until I was ten, what of it?

3. Keep the fire extinguisher RIGHT in the kitchen.
I was going to have the lesson be something like “dads can’t cook” just to be offensive, but I know lots of men that are great at cooking and I am sure plenty of them are dads. Anyway, ignoring the 90s stereotype of single dads unable to make dinner for their children, it is a great idea to have a fire extinguisher in the kitchen. One time, I almost burnt the kitchen down making bacon, so. Probs a nice plan just in case.

Also, have you guys realized how similar every “family” movie from the 90s is? The basic plotline for every movie is: kid(s) struggling with parents’ divorce. The dad is usually a jerk, a liar, a deadbeat or just in general not as good of a parent as the mother. Sometimes there is a very unlikable stepdad/mom and the parents usually end up back together at the end. Not in Santa Clause, though! Laura starts believing in Santa again, but stays with her jerk husband. Oops–spoiler alert!

4. Denny’s is always open and plain milk is not fine, Charlie!
Poor Charlie is already having a bummer of a Christmas Eve and then the great American institution Denny’s is out of chocolate milk. Who runs out of chocolate milk?! On Christmas?! This is the most depressing part of the movie. (So untrue. The most depressing part is when Laura and Neil forbid Scott to see his own child.) I pretend that papa Calvin-soon-to-be-Santa drove Charlie to the grocery store for some chocolate milk right after dinner. Actually can someone drive me to the store for chocolate milk right now? That sounds delicious.

5. Sometimes, believing in something means just believing in it.
I feel like I have a “just believe” lesson in EVERY EINTKILF, but man! The slightly illogical thinker in me really has faith in belief (in a very non-religious way, mind you). Believing is believing. Stop being such a scrooge and have a Merry Christmas. Seeing isn’t believing, believing IS seeing. Have you ever seen a million dollars? No? Doesn’t mean a million dollars doesn’t exist! Boom, points to Charlie, let’s hear the rebuttal.

Seriously, though–have any of you ever seen a million bucks? I mean, I’ve seen my reflection, which is close enough.

6. A “clause” is the last line of a contract.
Bernard explains the word “clause” to Scott, who is supposed to be a businessman (a businessman, not a business, mannnn) but his irritating stubbornness gets in the way of his ability to know the definition of words apparently. (Also, can I say that I have a crush on Bernard?) So the movie is called The Santa ClausE.Get it? The Santa CLAUSE. You know, like there’s a clause!

Do you guys get it?
7. Don’t let the magic grow out of you, grown-ups.
AKA do not be a Neil.

Judy the elf is such a fierce little lady. Full of advice and male attention.

8. We don’t say stupid and we don’t say elves.
Both are mean, unacceptable words, unless you really are talking about a Christmas elf, or I guess like a Lord of the Rings one.

9. Milk and cookies is NOT an acceptable diet.
Even if you don’t always finish the milk, Scott.

Just kidding. I would never tell you guys not to eat milk and cookies. The greatest combo in the whole wide world, except for maybe cookies and hot chocolate. I hope everyone goes and makes themselves some cocoa after reading this. Then come back and read it again. Oooh, let the warmth soothe your soul while you stare out the window at the frostiness of the October lawn. (That’s what I’m doing, minus the hot chocolate because I’m drinking coffee. Acceptable substitute.)

10. Other things: Charlie is the cutest squeaky-voiced kid ever. “Carol of the Bells”–greatest Christmas song of them all? Comet is the jerkiest reindeer, do you think it stems from Rudolph jealousy? And enunciate your words: it is “arose such a clatter.”

PS Eric Lloyd is really, really ridiculously good-looking these days and he is supposedly the lead singer of a band based out of Glendale, California, which is where I was born! We also used to have the same haircut. Eric, holla at your girl.

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  1. Oh girl. Christmas season is ON. Elf anyone? Make me a soy hot chocolate when I come up for a visit and the snuggling is a go. Love your face off. (see? I stalk you from all angles. Deal with it.)

  2. You were born in Glendale?? Nice! A SoCal girl at heart, I see :)
    And “Charlie’s” cousin is Alyssa Milano??? I freaking love wikipedia. And I am obsessed with this movie so I’ll forgive you for writing about Christmas even though it’s not even Halloween yet haha

  3. Best birthday present EVER. I think the joke had something to do with the picture I took at my birthday party where it looks like you’re serenading your newly-purchased Christmas cards. And then Mitzi ran away from you.
    I wish we were hanging out and eating cookies and (chocolate) milk exclusively.

  4. *the
    Oh, typos. How you haunt my soul and sense of well-being.

  5. Megan’s birthday really is the kick-off of all things wonderful.
    And Charlie saying that plain milk is fine is quite possibly the saddest thing ever said in hte history of forever.

  6. I thought Santa’s name was really spelled C-L-A-U-S-E because of this movie. I was not corrected for about 12 years.

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