EINTKILF Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From the N'Sync Christmas Album Jessica Tholmer

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, am I right? That special time of year when everyone is way, way nicer to each other and it is so cold outside that your hands are dry and uncomfortable all the time and you are kinda relieved that you do not have a lover because your hands aren’t down to be held by anything but a mitten. That time of year when you see mistletoe hanging everywhere (where you hung it strategically, if you are me). That time of year when you are mouthing along the lines to Home Alone and Elf over and over subconsciously while you write your HelloGiggles articles and/or while you sleep. (Both happened.) That time of year when you text your brother asking him what he is getting your younger brothers, trying to get in on it instead of coming up with your own gifts. Yes, folks. ‘Tis the season!

You know what other time of year it is? That time of year when musicians be dropping holiday albums like it’s their job. (It is their job, actually.) Have you seen some of the gems this year? Cee-Lo “Magical Moment”? Blake Shelton’s “Cheers, It’s Christmas”? Does The Voice own Christmas this year? (WAIT, is Adam Levine Santa Claus? Man, I hope he guides my sleigh tonight. #toofar)

But we all know the best celebrity Christmas album, right? (No, not Rod Stewart’s “Merry Christmas, Baby,” though don’t tell my coworker Terri that I said that!) N’Sync’s “Home For Christmas”! Come on, guys! Let’s learn.

EINTKILF N’Sync‘s “Home For Christmas” 

1. Christmas is all about crying.
I was trying to go song by song, so forgive me, but N’Sync sure talks about crying bunches throughout this whole album. I am so down for men crying. I think a dude showing their emotions is like…huge. Super turn-on. I dig crying. Cry me a river (see what I did there?), build me a bridge and let’s stand in the middle of it, never getting over anything.

But in the first song off the album, entitled “Home For Christmas” (like the name of the album, you see?), the boys got me a bit confused.

On my own for too many years/I miss the happiness/I miss the tears.

Wait, happiness and tears? I mean, I guess those things go together, but how many people actually cry on the holidays? Like, of sadness? I mean, enough to sing about, at least? And where the hell have they been, anyway? I always wondered that about “I’ll Be Home For Christmas,” (the classic song, not the JTT movie) as well, but this song is like an over-dramatized version of that classic. Where have you been for all of these years, N’Sync? Neglecting family is so not cool, dawg. Even if you had to like…tour.

I just need to know, N’Sync. Who is this song directed toward? A lover? Your moms, or…? Because you have been gone for “so many holidays,” which would be a really bad boyfriend move, but a semi-understandable young-adult move, ‘spesh when you are famous and in a boy band. But then it’s like…why are you all alone? Where were the other four of you?

No sense at all, but at least we know they are coming home for the holidays. Welcome to the album.

And then in “The Only Gift,” there’s this line:

I was making my list/I was checking it twice/in the middle of this/I got tears in my eyes.

Does Santa weep when he checks his lists twice? I guess maybe if one of his favorite kids made the naughty list? Or if there were more naughtys than nices?

Dry your eyes, guys! It’s Christmas!

2. Some things should be kept to two.
…and the song “Under My Tree” is a little…creeptown.

When the party is over/the night’s just begun.

Ooh, ooh, now we’re talking, boys.

I promise the best part is yet to come.

I HOPE HE MEANS HOT COCOA, EXTRA MARSHMALLOWS LIKE IN THE MIDDLE AND ON TOP.

Slow dance together/two become one…

Oh, snap. Can we have cocoa first, at least?

That’s what we’ve waited all day for.

Yeah. Forget our friends and family! I was watching the clock the whole time we were all spending quality time together for the holiday.

No one else but me and you/nothing I would rather do then hold you all through the night.

Well, aww. That’s actually sweet.

Under my tree.

I prefer the bed or the couch at the very least, I mean…the tree sounds kinda uncomfortable.

Bring along the mistletoe/keep the music nice and low/I’ll show you how good it could be.

Oh mylanta, I’m starting to blush a bit, and I am pretty sure we are not having cocoa now.

I wish that Santa could be here to see.

WAIT, WHAT IS THIS? I can’t be on the naughty list after all these years!!

3. Girls are the meaning of Christmas.
In the song “I Never Knew The Meaning of Christmas,” the boys basically lament how Christmas never meant anything at all ever until they met one chick who changed their holiday lives.

On a sleigh ride caroling/didn’t really mean anything/without that someone who can make it complete.

Kay, like…if caroling on a sleigh ride means nothing to you until you meet the love of your life, this love must be real, right? I am fairly certain I would be down to carol alone, and I am easily the most romantic person I know.

(Debatable.)

And I’m not even gonna front with you guys, the “fa la la’s” at the beginning of this song are ballin’. Really makes this the jam. In fact, any song with “fa la la la la’s” is going to win my heart.

Remember the reason for the season: chicks.

4. God and N’Sync are friends.
…a slightly blasphemous lesson, I am sure of it, but I cannot help what I learned from stuff!

And with the blessings from above/god sends you his love/and everything’s okay.

The song “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” is probs the best on the album, but it is funny because the lyrics are hollower than a raccoon’s tree hole. (I’m a third grader.) Just goes to show (ADDITIONAL LESSON) that a good beat and some beautiful harmonizing can hypnotize anyone.

Seriously, though: are these guys delivering my messages to the lord? Cause I’d rather pray to N’Sync than anyone else.

5. N’Sync lives in Whoville.
You know how in How the Grinch Stole Christmas, all of the little Whoville villagers get together and sing “Somewhere in My Memory,” and Harry and Marv decide to stop robbing houses?

Shoot, am I mixing up holiday movies again?

Okay, but in “I Guess It’s Christmastime,” the N’Syncers truly make themselves sound like they belong in Whoville, traditionally innocent and adorable as the Whoville members are.

Voices of angels/open our hearts so we can open our arms/and we’ll all join hands/to celebrate the goodness/that shines inside of everyone.

This song is hilarious, across the board. I also like that the title of this song is so indifferent. Like, “meh, I guess it’s Christmastime again. I have heard hella angels singing, so it must be time!”

6. Spreading joy is what Christmastime is for.
Cheek to cheek/the lights are low/a kiss beneath the mistletoe/your face lit by the fire’s glow/that’s all I want tonight/and I don’t need a hundred gifts beneath the tree.

Well, now I look like a huge jerk because my Christmas list was like…one hundred things, and none of them were you. :(

7. “…everybody should be in love with somebody on Christmas.
That is mighty presumptuous, don’t you think? I bet the boys were banking on half the population being in love with one of them.

HA! “One of them.” Let’s be real, it was only Justin and if you said otherwise, you were lying to yourself. And no one’s favorite Beatle is Ringo either.

Unless you are Marge Simpson.

Good lord, it was so refreshing when Justin started singing about sex and retribution. This corny Christmas album is giving me a stomachache about as much as when I drank all that spiked nog. (An hour ago.)

8. Um, I don’t know?
The days and weeks and months go by/so slowly/we are both wishing them to fly (wishing in the fly)/as the night begins to fall/twilight crowns the bedroom cheer (drowns in mellow cheer)/such a rush of joy.

Wait, what the hell is this song about? Later the chick gets a snowflake in her eye and then it melts into a tear, but then warms up because of her smile? Why is she crying and smiling? And also, I hate when snowflakes get in my eye, that is annoying and I definitely would not be smiling about it, even if JC was serenading me at the same time.

K, but tell me about “bedroom cheer,” please. Is that even a real thing, or is it like when Ludacris shortens words to rhyme?

9. Mistletoe gets you hella play.
Pretty sure every single song on this album — except “First Noel” — talks about kissing under the mistletoe. Come on, it is a guaranteed thing. Get some mistletoe, get your mack on. That’s what this is all about.

The only people in the world that like mistletoe more than I do: the writers of this album.

10. Christmas is only really about two people.
Well, and Santa. And Jesus, I guess, but seriously all of these songs are pretty much entirely about trying to be alone, just the two of us.

“Us,” because obviously Justin was singing to me.

I would quote some of the lyrics here, but I am seriously lazy, every single line is basically the same and I have already moved on to the new Glee Christmas songs from tonight’s episode entitled “Glee Actually” like Love, Actually, are you kidding me? Fusion love!

Wonderful, hilarious images via: stillnsync.com, grammy.com and wikipedia, obvs.

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  1. Oh boy, do I miss *NSYNC! I’m a fan of theirs and I love what they did. Too bad they’ve gone their own ways. I’d love to see them back (and I know I’m not the only one).
    This Christmas album is a classic, although I’ve never paid attention to the lyrics.
    Great & hilarious article!

  2. This is def the best Xmas album, I’ve been listening to it so much the past week.
    Lmao “Meh, I guess it’s Christmas time again”
    My favorite is Joey, he’s adorable. Justin is just not my type. =P

  3. I’ve said this a million times, while having to endure the endless loop of Christmas songs at work. *NSYNC’s Christmas album is the absolute best thing to happen to holiday music! It’s got a little bit of everything. There’s songs about love, loss, family, friends, and they even throw a bone to the much neglected New Year’s Eve crowd. It’s not all about the booze, people. Oh and the most amazing part? Chris, Lance, and Joey all got shine a little brighter than they used to ;) Great post!!!!

  4. It’s *N Sync. Not N’Sync. But, I appreciate the attention being paid to my favorite Christmas album! :-)

  5. Excuse me, JC is/was/and forever will be my favorite and I’m not lying to myself! I mean, I love me some Timberlake…but Mr. Chasez has my heart this Christmas…and every day! Lol loved this post :P

  6. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who was freaked out about Santa watching what was going down under the tree…

  7. Oh, Jess. You make my boss coming in to my office so embarrassing.
    Translation: I love you.

  8. OMG I didn’t realize how sexual Under My Tree is! It’s like the “Digital Get Down” of NSYNC Christmas songs!

  9. Actually hilarious!

  10. I’d forgotten about the lyrics of ‘Under the Tree.’ Yeah, I got the point when I was fifteen, but for some reason it was lost on me back then.

  11. Jess, this is HILARIOUS. I know I already texted you. But still. I am literally laughing out loud. LIH!!