Yes, this is the week of Halloween and I should be writing about Hocus Pocus or The Munsters or the song “Monster Mash,” but you know what’s actually scary? Scarier than any horror movie or any costume anyone can come up with? THE ELECTION IS IN A WEEK (+A DAY). I am shaking in my boots! And I honestly cannot get my head out of the political clouds right now, soooooooo I am sorry to let you down and not talk about how sexy Sarah Jessica Parker is as a witch. Let’s talk about how sexy Mitt Romney is when he tans. (Just kidding.)
EINTKILF the 2012 Election Season
1. There are binders full of women!
I absolutely love when someone says something that does not seem ridiculous in their head but is ridiculous to every other person basically in the whole world and then the nation has a joke we are all in together. I think I am most proud to be an American when we all think the same thing is funny. (That’s not true, don’t freak out on me.) Binders full of women reminds me of when my older brother collected comic book cards (I just flinched typing that out of habit because he would probably punch me for telling the internet that he used to be a nerd) and kept them all in a cool binder with those plastic filing thingies.
I guess all I can hope for is that I am in someone’s binder somewhere. Or maybe in the space on the front of their binder like in middle school.
Also, thank you for saying this, Mitt because we now have binders full of memes that still crack me up.
2. Saying “friend” when you don’t actually mean “friend” is a neat trick.
Call me sensitive, but I really do not call anyone my friend unless they really are my friend. I am real keen on the difference between friend and acquaintance and coworker and roommate and boyfriend and friend’s friend and brother’s friend. (Probs due to my extreme possessiveness over the people in my life, sorry guys!) But anyway, Vice President Joe Biden loves the word friend and now I don’t really know if he and the President are friends or if he hates him, because he kept calling Paul Ryan his friend and I am pretty sure he doesn’t really like him. I mean, what do I know? Maybe VP JB and Paul Ryan (Gosling) kick it erryday. The club can’t even handle them right now.
Friends are friends and friends are enemies, and if that confuses you, welcome to an election season.
3. Never have Donald Trump endorse you.
Donald Trump is someone that is always running his mouth and when someone is always running their mouth, you probably don’t want that person to endorse your presidential campaign. Trump, in past presidential elections, has been pretty absurd. Besides teasing us with his own (never gonna happen) presidential bid, he was one of President Barack Obama’s biggest “show us your birth certificate” pushers, which in case you were unclear, is the most ridiculous accusation ever thrown at a president, IMHO. Trump has had more gaffes than maybe even Former POTUS George W. Bush and in that case, pray that he does not endorse your campaign. And in case you didn’t know, our President has a fantastic sense of humor.
4. Ann Coulter is still pretty much the worst.
In case you missed it, Miss Coulter decided to call our Commander-in-Chief an inexcusable, extremely offensive word via everyone’s favorite soap box, Twitter. When, not shockingly, Coulter was put on the hot seat for not only her disrespect toward our President, but for her casual use of a word that no one should speak in any manner at anytime to anyone ever. Coulter’s response? “Screw ’em.”
Maybe worse than having Trump endorse you is having Coulter on your side. Yikes.
But at least we got this out of it. Most heartwarming letter of this election season, for sure.
5. Spray tan.
A really great way to win voters over is to sex up your image a bit.
I mean, that is what Romney was going for, eh? If this were high school, Obama would sweep this election based on his good looks alone. You guys, lay off him. Obama is a very good-looking man, what would you do?
6. Bill Clinton is still a stud.
I mean, I knew that before the 2012 Election, but I was happily reminded, so I thought it was worth sharing. It is always important to know your former presidents are still doing well and looking good and talking sharp.
7. Make eye contact.
Okay, okay, I have picked on the poor Grand Ol’ Party People enough for now. Democrats make mistakes too, you know. Remember way back a fortnight or so ago during the first debate when President Obama could not be bothered to pay attention to anything? That was weird and disappointing, but hilarious on SNL. The President should try to remember the ol’ “make eye contact and nod” trick from grade school. “Uh huh, uh huh, debt ceiling, yes, cat in the furnace.”
8. Be careful when celebrities speak on your behalf.
I mean, more like be careful to whom or to where they speak on your behalf.
Clint, man, I will still always love you because you gave me Mystic River.
The fast and furious definition is when someone, namely Mr. Romney, forgets his promises of yore and switches his stance. We used to call it flip-flopping, but this word is funnier. You know what word from this season I like even better, though? “Baracktosintolerant,” which my second favorite man alive (first is Michael J. Fox, third is Tom Hanks) Jon Stewart coined on The Daily Show to describe those who do not support / like our President. Can we rally to get that added to the dictionary? I mean, if “man cave” made it, anything is possible, right?
10. Women matter.
A serious note: even if I recognize the fact that both political parties are desperately fishing for votes and have no choice but to recognize us, I am seriously feeling the focus on women this year. Not only have “our” issues been on the forefront of basically every election conversation, but both parties (one more than the other, obviously) have done a pretty nice job of empowering women to make us feel like our voices matter even more than the male voices. Is it true? Of course not, humans are humans and our voices all sound the same. But. I don’t mind the confidence boost. Women, we do matter. Thanks for starting to show it, old men of America.
Okay, now go fill your ballots out. Be informed, be involved, speak your voice.