EINTKILFEverything I Need to Know, I Learned From Superhero MoviesJessica Tholmer

My oldest brother Daniel read a lot of comic books as a kid, so naturally, I read a lot of comic books as a kid. Being the second born child meant that I only looked up to one of my brothers. I snickered to myself growing up, thinking, man, I can’t wait for my little brothers to do things just because I’m doing them. Rest assured, neither Zach nor Levi wanted to do anything I was doing ever. Sucks to your assmar, Jess. That all being said, I have loved superheroes for a long time, and when we (we? Like I’m Hollywood or something?) started pumping out superhero movies like nobody’s bidness, the child in me was delighted that I could stop reading comic books and start watching movies instead. Win win!

EINTKILF Superhero Movies

1. Superheroes should always be stone-cold foxes. 

Your superhero movie will not succeed in Jess’ book, and clearly, everyone is trying to please me all of the time, if there is not a young and upcoming hunk cast in the superhero role.

For example:

Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man. Maybe he is not young or upcoming, but man alive, he is the hottest thing since sliced toast (since bread isn’t hot, roll with it) and un-coincidentally, the Iron Man movies are my favorite superhero films.

Val Kilmer’s Batman. Obviously I think George Clooney is a hotter Batman, and hotter person in general, but no one in their right mind likes Batman and Robin as much as Batman Forever, so I am pretending I think Kilmer is super hot for argument’s sake.

What’s –his-face’s Captain America. Hot. He looks like a Ken doll. I am too lazy to IMDB his name, but I thought he was pretty cute in The Avengers. Almost as cute as RDJ and Mark Ruffalo. Stiff competition. (And here is the moment when you all realize I have strange taste in men.)

Why do you think I am the only person alive who dislikes the “new” Batman movies? Christian Bale, woof!

2. Superhero girlfriends have got to be sassy.
I mean, you are dating a superhero. You have to hold your own. Like Gwyneth Paltrow’s Pepper Potts, not like Jennifer Connelly’s Betty Ross.  Pepper is my idol, and I am pretty much definitely naming my future daughter after her. And my dear friend told me that I remind him of her. Hello, best compliment ever, beside that one time someone told me I was “basically Zooey Deschanel”…”because you have great bangs and men love you.” Well, shucks.

What I am really trying to say is, I could totally date Tony Stark. I love a cocky man who is actually super romantic. You know that part in The Avengers when he calls Pepper as he’s zooming up toward that huge hole in the sky? (Spoiler alert!!!) And Jarvis gets all Robyn and is like, “Call your girlfriend!” And he does. And it is adorable.

3. “Love is for children.”
Thanks, Black Widow. I’ma ride that advice out for the next few months at least.

4. Tight suits make you run faster.
And they bring all the boys girls boys and girls to the yard.

5. Anger management issues are a shoo-in for future superhero potential.
Like The Hulk, who has finally been perfectly represented by sweet, bumbling Ruffalo. Most adorable nervous scientist ever.

And Wolverine, because nice guys do not get claws. Nice guys get shields. Boring.

And Batman and Spiderman both have their anger issues. I guess anyone who has had family murdered should be pissed off all the time. Get ‘em, boys.

6. There is a thin line between confidence and arrogance.
…that should be walked. Both are sexy in my book. Mostly because I am thinking about Tony Stark again, and partially because I am a Leo and they say we are arrogant. If being irritatingly full of myself is called arrogant these days, then sure, I can be arrogant.

7. Every superhero needs an old man friend.

Like Morgan Freeman, or Michael Caine, or Judi Dench.

Wait…do we consider James Bond a superhero? I don’t think so—he is not super, huh?

Now I have made some geeks mad.

But seriously, the best superheroes all have wiser, older men to talk out all of their problems. Or bring them tea and drive them around, whatever floats their Batmobiles.

8. Every superhero has a weakness.
Let’s be real: every person has a weakness, but it is more vital to figure out superhero kryptonites in order to defeat them! (If you are the bad guy, which none of us are, hopefully.)

To be honest, I think most superheroes’ weaknesses are love, am I right? That is all of our weaknesses. We are all superheroes.

Do you like how quickly I forgot my new life motto of “love is for children”? Darn romantic.

9. Break pretty girls’ hearts.
It makes you way super-er.

Poor Mary Jane. Spidey totally super breaks her heart in Spider-Man 2 by being all, “I love you too much to let you love me.” Yeah, okay—because breaking up with a girl because you love her too much always works out well. She will totally move on.

Harry Potter super breaks Ginny Weasley’s heart in Half Blood Prince knowing full well she would never take Dean Thomas back over The Chosen One. Come on, superheroes. We are onto your tricks!

Now I have gone and implied that Harry Potter is a superhero and really made everyone mad. Sorry guys!

10. With great power comes great responsibility.
Uncle Ben knows everything. He is so smart this sounds like a presidential quote!

Remember that, though–power = responsibility. Apply it to your lives today and go save the world.

Also, (11.) you can learn from supervillains, as well.
Like Mr. Freeze. He taught us all to bundle up! It is a cold, cold world.

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  1. Tony Stark/Iron Man is the best! Mark Ruffalo as the Hulk was great too. And Pepper Potts = Best superhero’s GF ever!

  2. Almost as cute?! Chris Evans as Captain America is the cutest of them all! Not to mention, you can’t get much more classic in superhero lore than his backstory.

  3. Thor was the hottest Avenger and yet not even a mention.

    tut
    tut
    tut

  4. CHRIS EVANS! Captain America is played by Chris Evans.

  5. You had me at assmar. Brilliant.

  6. Haha Harry Potter is a superhero! That made me happy!

  7. Pepper is my favorite as well! :)

  8. I love this!