EINTKILFEverything I Need to Know, I Learned From SNL ChristmasJessica Tholmer

Merry Christmas Eve, you guys! Can you believe it is already the 24th of December? Who knew we would live to see this day? No, who actually knew it? I was starting to believe those end-of-the-world rumors, probably just because I watch a lot of Jake Gyllenhaal and Will Smith movies.

I will miss writing Christmas posts, but to be honest, I am excited to move onto The Next Big Thing in EINTKILFs, but I will not reveal it until the New Year!

Though I struggled with what to write about this week–should I go with another Christmas movie? I never talked about Elf, or Home Alone 2, or The Holiday!!–I feel really great about what finally hit me over the head like a sack of schweddy balls. That’s right, guys. The best way to celebrate the holidays, is with uproarious laughter.

EINTKILF Saturday Night Live Christmas

1. The true ending to It’s a Wonderful Life.
In this “real ending” to the Christmas classic, It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey’s scatterbrained Uncle Billy (I also have an Uncle Billy! He’s not that scatterbrained, but he really loves sports) remembers that Mr. Potter, in all his cranky glory, is the one who stole the eight thousand dollars from them. “George” (Dana Carvey’s Jimmy Stewart is like beyond perfect) and the town form a mob and go into Mr. Potter’s office where George starts beating the life out of him. Mr. Potter gets out of his wheelchair to defend himself and when the town discovers he doesn’t even need his wheelchair, they really go to…well, town, on him.

They kill Mr. Potter (I think), and to be honest, this ending is not all that far off the pretty dark and dreary story line that is It’s a Wonderful Life. How is it all that different from watching a little kid get his ears boxed?!

2. It is okay to have a dysfunctional family Christmas.
Adorned in wonderful ugly, sparkly sweaters, Phil Hartman (<3), D. Spade, Mike Meyers and their “family” sing Christmas songs that are seriously more relatable than anything like “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”

I mean, can’t you relate to songs like “The Almost Perfect Christmas,” “I’ve Got My Drinking Under Control for the Holidays,” “Peace on Earth? Where?,” and my favorite “Ballad of the Co-Dependent.”

3. Hanukkah is important, too.
Hey, have you guys ever heard of Adam Sandler?

Jkjkjkjkjkjkjk. I don’t know if you guys know about Adam Sandler’s history with the SNL cast and crew, but it was kinda rough. In fact, he claims to have been fired, along with some other really funny people, proving that being fired ain’t nothin’ but a G thang, baby. I was fired once for egging a car in a movie theater parking lot. Say what?! Yeah, here’s the deal: I didn’t even egg the car, my friend/coworker did and he said he would give me a ride home from work if I “helped” him, and the only thing I “helped him” do was clean up the eggshells and toilet paper! (But for real, that dude’s car had it coming.) Silly high school pranks are NOT A JOKE, YOU GUYS. I’m just wondering how DJ and Kimmy Gibbler got in  like…no trouble for putting the principal’s car on top of the school, but I get fired for cleaning up eggshells and toilet paper?

Oh, I worked at the movie theater, so that’s why we got in trouble for it. BUT I DO IT BIG, NINE OF US GOT FIRED.

WHOA TANGENT TIME, get over it, Jess, it was like ten years ago.

The point is, uh, Hanukkah rules, and in case you wanted to know the famous Jewish people (um, all of them?), Adam will help you out.

4. Baking is vital for the holidays.
Probs the most famous holiday skit on SNL, and likely one of the most famous skits on SNL in general, is when sweet Alec Baldwin is a guest on NPR’s talk show called “The Delicious Dish.” Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon discuss what they want for Christmas, mostly baking items, though Shannon is “only asking Santa for one thing: a big box of glue traps to help me with my rat problem.”

Baldwin plays Pete Schweddy, the owner of a holiday bakery, “Season’s Eatings,” which is funny because it rhymes with “season’s greetings.”

Oh, guys the rest is history. Pete begins to talk about all of the great treats that he makes and goes into great detail about his “balls,” and my mouth is watering just thinking about those balls.

 Good times.

5.  The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
We all know SNL does musical numbers like the professionals that they are, but isn’t music always better during the holidays?

Like when Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan and Horatio Sanz sing and dance to their own hilarious “Christmas Song“? (God, I love Tracy Morgan.)

Or in the very first season when the cast (+ Candice Bergen) sing “Winter Wonderland,” really sweetly?

Or when Mary Katherine Gallagher (Shannon) sings “Little Drummer Boy” with Whitney Houston? (Miss you, Whit!)

Or when anything happens. It is all gold.

6. Christmas gift ideas!
I hate that stereotype about men not being able to Christmas shop efficiently because I am the only girl in my family and probably the worst at Christmas shopping. I literally wait until the week before Christmas when I try to go halfsies on what my older brother bought for everyone else. (Thanks Daniel!)

I remember one wonderful Christmas, though, when I thought I could probably just look to Digital Shorts for the rest of my life for good gift givin’ ideas.

Like this one.

…well, I can’t really give that as a gift, but it’s a good idea for a dude. (Especially if you are Justin Timberlake.)

(At least write a funny song with occasionally touching lyrics. “Girl, you gotta know you’re my shining star.”)

7. Santa Claus might be two-timing you.
In one of my favorite skits ever–because I am super biased and Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph are three of my five favorite people alive (Tina Fey, Rashida Jones, as well)–three women decorating a tree (wearing the same exact dress) start talking about their respective boyfriends. “Santa is my Boyfriend” is the greatest, and their holiday innuendos, accompanied by that fabulous wink (Maya does it best) is hilarious.

“He knows if I’ve been bad or good, but when I’m naughty, he thinks it’s nice.”

When they all joke about waiting for him to leave Mrs. Claus? That is truly what Christmas is all about.

LOVE THESE WOMEN. LOVE WOMEN, IN GENERAL.

8. Michael Buble owns Christmas.
Though I joke about celebrity Christmas albums often, Buble actually does a really great job putting out Christmas albums. What does he do even besides put out Christmas albums? I used to get John Mayer, Jack Johnson and Michael Buble (and Josh Groban) all mixed up until I realized that one of those dudes is a jerk, one of them is just a laid back dude, and the other two are angels. But seriously:

Duets.

Jimmy Fallon as Sting, Kristen Wiig as Taylor Swift, Jimmy Fallon as Justin Bieber (oh my god, his wink is better than the real Biebs’ wink, it is SO FUNNY), Nasim Pedrad as M.I.A., Jay Pharaoh as Kanye West, everything is hilarious.

The only thing I would rather have than a Michael Buble album is…well, anything, really. I think I would literally rather have anything than another Michael Buble Christmas album.

Props to the real Bubbles for making fun of himself, though, and also everyone ever.

…re-reading that makes me think maybe Jimmy Fallon owns Christmas, along with my heart.

9. How to get into heaven.
Mary and Joseph can be real jerks. Kristen Wiig and Jason Sudeikis teach us the true meaning of Christmas when they accidentally sign up to be in a nativity scene when they only thought they were entering a raffle. (“I like to win stuff I don’t need.”)

“Mary” stays on her cell phone, and they both smack their gum the whole time and my favorite part is when they don’t know what myrrh is:

Director: At this point, I’d just really like to see the three wise men to present Mary and Joseph with the gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Sudeikis: What the hell’s myrrh? Do you know what myrrh is, babe?
Wiig: The whaaat?
Sudeikis: The myrrh?
Wiig: The whattt?
Sudeikis: Myrrh.
Wiig: The WHAT?
Sudeikis: Myrrh.
Wiig: The what?
Sudeikis: Myrrh.
Wiig: The myrrh?
Sudeikis: The what?

And when the director asks them why they are even doing the nativity scene, the guy says, “we want to go to heaven.”

Think they made it in?

10. Never trust a mall Santa Claus.
Gilda Radner, may she be resting in peace, plays a little girl who sits on Santa’s lap asking for a bunch of stuff he doesn’t want to get her for Christmas.

Little girl: Mr. Santa? Can I get a sad sack pearl doll?
Santa: Oh, sad sack pearl doll…isn’t that precious? No. What else don’t you want? Or want to have and can’t have?

He also keeps dropping the little girl off of his lap, which is hilarious and kind of sad, but mostly hilarious.

“Well, my name is Santa from Trap Door, Wisconsin!”
“Don’t go to Martin’s Department Store, the Santa is a fraud!”

Bill Murray and Gilda Radner were a phenomenal duo together. It is important to remember the ones we love and miss during the holidays, like Miss Radner.

Also, I wish I could sit on Bill Murray‘s lap, just to gaze into his weird face.

Saturday Night Live, thank you so much for the continuity in your Christmas joy.

The best part of Christmas is laughter.

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