EINTKILF Everything I Need to Know, I learned from Ross&Rachel Jessica Tholmer

Television shows are absolutely nothing without a Will They/Won’t They relationship, can I get an amen? Of all of the fantastic ones – and there are plenty of lists dedicated to such relationships – my ultimate favorite, the one I learned the most from, the one I can relate best to, the one that I still YouTube fan videos of all these years later, is Ross and Rachel. Ross and Rachel. Siiiiiiiigh. It is funny when you remove the fictional, cinematic approach to their relationship and realize that it would probably suck to be either Ross or Rachel: he loves her unrequited, then she loves him unrequited, then they get it together, but then work gets in the way and then he cheats on her (debatable–but I side with her), then he starts to date someone else and then she admits she still loves him, and then they kiss and make up, and then he gets mad at her for blaming him for their initial downfall, then they both date other people, then he gets married and she realizes she still loves him, then he says her name at the wedding instead of his stuffy British wife’s name, and then they both move on from each other, even though he chooses to keep being her friend instead of saving his marriage (screw your ultimatum, Emilllly) and then she has a thing with his best friend, even if we always knew she loved him more than the best friend, and then they get a little tipsy and get knocked up and have a baby together and then she might move to France and then she stays and we can only assume they finally made it work permanently. AFTER TEN YEARS OF THIS. DOESN’T THAT SOUND HORRIBLE?

I can tell you, three years into an eerily, annoyingly similar love story, that yes, it is horrible. But awwwwwwwwww, they are so funny and pretty, so we love watching them. Will they do it? Will they?

(FYI: I am funny and pretty [and modest], so people also enjoy “watching” my Will They/Won’t They relationship. He’s alright too.)

EINTKILF Ross and Rachel

1. Don’t sleep with someone else the night of your breakup.
I think, personally, it is a bad idea to sleep with someone else until quite some time after your breakup, because it only leads to feeling really good and “over it” until you realize that you just let someone else take advantage of you. But I mean, the plus about it is you get to drink red wine and have a meltdown that includes chocolate chips and a jar of peanut butter. I mean, I cannot speak for Ross, but I can speak for me, and that’s a real thing because I cope with my emotions like an adult, clearly. But anyway, if your girlfriend wants to go “on a break,” that does not mean get drunk and sleep with the copy girl. That means give her five seconds and I bet she will come around the next morning. BREAKS MEAN BREAKS NOT BREAKUPS.

2. Y-O-U APOSTROPHE R-E means “you are,” Y-O-U-R means “your.”
Thank you, Ross. Pay attention, everyone who should already know this.

3. Don’t date best friends.
The Joey and Rachel storyline is like my least favorite storyline on any show ever. Hear me out: I appreciate it for its realism (as IF Joey and Rachel would never hook up!), but I hate it for its complications. I hate it for how, IRL, it would really suck. I feel awful for Ross, who tries to be a good guy and a big person and act normal about the whole situation, even though it breaks his heart.

Speaking from personal experience, it is so not worth it. Don’t write this storyline into your own life. There is no winner here.

S**t just got real. Sorry guys. More jokes below.

4. Never make a Pros and Cons list about a person.
One of my favorite storylines is Ross and Julie and Rachel, because I love love triangles, even though I do not love Julie. The below-mentioned drunken voicemail happens, Ross finds out Rachel is into him, he starts to second guess his relationship with Julie because he has always been in love with Rachel. What do the guys decide to do on Chandler’s sweet new laptop? Make a Pros and Cons list about Rachel and Julie.

Okay, listen. I love making lists. I do it all the time. I have even made venn diagrams weighing the differences between guys I was interested in at the same time, but you should not do it. (Especially the venn diagram because it EXTRA proves that you are likely wasting your time with those guys.) It is mean and stupid and unfair, because comparing minute differences holds no actual weight on the CONNECTION two people have with each other. There have been plenty of times I have disliked something about a boy, but I have still managed to fall in love with him. Pros and Cons lists go nowhere, especially because you are usually leaning one way in the first place. I mean, I decided where I was going to go to college using a Pros and Cons list, but the Pros were like “I like the color blue, that pizza guy on the brochure is cute.” So, anyway when Rachel reads the list, she gets really upset and wants nothing to do with Ross (until the prom video, siiiiiiigh).

Though, in Ross’ defense, “she’s not Rachel” is the sweetest con ever.

Also, I would kill to see a Pros and Cons list that someone has written about me, so if anyone has done it, can you email me? jatholmer@gmail.com. Kthanks.

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  1. He’s her lobster!

  2. loved this! it’s the most fun i’ve had all week. i’ve always thought that ANYTHING in life can be explained through friends, and this post totally proves my theory :)

  3. LOVED IT! Anything about friends.. ya know, but this.. this was just perfect!

  4. Absolutely adore this post. Sigh. There are SO many life lessons to be learned from Friends, and these were brilliant.

  5. RE: #6, I love the drunk voice-mail storyline too! My favourite line is when Ross says “You’re over me? When were you under me?” He looks so cute and vulnerable there too, there’s no way Rachel could help kissing him.

  6. Totally going to argue something here….I love Ross and Rachel, but I think I love Monica and Chandler better. Am I the only one who in retrospect thinks Ross and Rachel may have had the least healthy relationship ever? By getting off that plane….while so romantic…didn’t Rachel basically destroy any chance of a career in fashion again? She would’ve been unhirable….sure I’m reading too much into this but Chandler and Monica just seemed so much healthier in the way of relationships. That all being said…that first kiss scene between Ross and Rachel, I loved that–even though it was a little bit creepy how excited Monica was to hear the details of Rachel’s kiss WITH HER BROTHER!

  7. This is hilarious and made my day!

  8. I always love Ross and Rachel’s relationship. It’s one of my favourites and I still cry when she got off the plane!!!

  9. This is the best EINTKILF ever! I love Friends sooo much, me and my best friend are masters of Friends :P and I love when Rachel jumps on Ross’ back to stop him hearing the voicemail :P

  10. Actually, the con read, “She’s not Rachem.” What the hell is a Rachem? ;-)

    • I know it is. :) It just wasn’t as sweet a sentiment, and it was a typo. Ross’ con WAS she’s not Rachel, it was Chandler’s fault it said Rachem. Way to prove your knowledge though, Friends fan!

  11. Great… Now I’m the creepy girl crying at her computer for no apparent reason… I love Ross & Rachel!!! And Emma too…

  12. I totally agree with the Joseph Gordon-Levitt part

  13. LOVED THIS…Except you forgot a pretty major part in their history… when they got drunk and married in Vegas!! “Hellooo Mrs Ross” ” Look at YOU, Mr Rachel”

  14. joey y rachel eran tal para cual.

  15. Oh no no. I’m on Ross’ side FOREVER. You can’t have it both ways Rachel.

  16. I totally love this post!!!!!! Especially the lobster analogy, always my fave one! <3

  17. WE WERE ON A BREAK!! :)

  18. LOVE THIS!!!!!! SO true!!!!!!!! I watch Friends EVERY DAY and I never get sick of it!! Ross and Rachel are the epitome of the perfect will they/won’t they couple!!! I still cry when Rachel gets off the plane, I still cry when Monica and Chandler get engaged and I just still cry at a lot of episodes! IT’S THE BEST SHOW EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

  19. you. are. my. hero. thank you, i really needed this in my life right now.

  20. You know, so long has passed since that episode and I still have no idea what she was talking about when she said that line: “It’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy and it is a big deal.” Can anyone help me out with that? :D