EINTKILFEverything I Need to Know, I learned from Ross&RachelJessica Tholmer

Television shows are absolutely nothing without a Will They/Won’t They relationship, can I get an amen? Of all of the fantastic ones – and there are plenty of lists dedicated to such relationships – my ultimate favorite, the one I learned the most from, the one I can relate best to, the one that I still YouTube fan videos of all these years later, is Ross and Rachel. Ross and Rachel. Siiiiiiiigh. It is funny when you remove the fictional, cinematic approach to their relationship and realize that it would probably suck to be either Ross or Rachel: he loves her unrequited, then she loves him unrequited, then they get it together, but then work gets in the way and then he cheats on her (debatable–but I side with her), then he starts to date someone else and then she admits she still loves him, and then they kiss and make up, and then he gets mad at her for blaming him for their initial downfall, then they both date other people, then he gets married and she realizes she still loves him, then he says her name at the wedding instead of his stuffy British wife’s name, and then they both move on from each other, even though he chooses to keep being her friend instead of saving his marriage (screw your ultimatum, Emilllly) and then she has a thing with his best friend, even if we always knew she loved him more than the best friend, and then they get a little tipsy and get knocked up and have a baby together and then she might move to France and then she stays and we can only assume they finally made it work permanently. AFTER TEN YEARS OF THIS. DOESN’T THAT SOUND HORRIBLE?

I can tell you, three years into an eerily, annoyingly similar love story, that yes, it is horrible. But awwwwwwwwww, they are so funny and pretty, so we love watching them. Will they do it? Will they?

(FYI: I am funny and pretty [and modest], so people also enjoy “watching” my Will They/Won’t They relationship. He’s alright too.)

EINTKILF Ross and Rachel

1. Don’t sleep with someone else the night of your breakup.
I think, personally, it is a bad idea to sleep with someone else until quite some time after your breakup, because it only leads to feeling really good and “over it” until you realize that you just let someone else take advantage of you. But I mean, the plus about it is you get to drink red wine and have a meltdown that includes chocolate chips and a jar of peanut butter. I mean, I cannot speak for Ross, but I can speak for me, and that’s a real thing because I cope with my emotions like an adult, clearly. But anyway, if your girlfriend wants to go “on a break,” that does not mean get drunk and sleep with the copy girl. That means give her five seconds and I bet she will come around the next morning. BREAKS MEAN BREAKS NOT BREAKUPS.

2. Y-O-U APOSTROPHE R-E means “you are,” Y-O-U-R means “your.”
Thank you, Ross. Pay attention, everyone who should already know this.

3. Don’t date best friends.
The Joey and Rachel storyline is like my least favorite storyline on any show ever. Hear me out: I appreciate it for its realism (as IF Joey and Rachel would never hook up!), but I hate it for its complications. I hate it for how, IRL, it would really suck. I feel awful for Ross, who tries to be a good guy and a big person and act normal about the whole situation, even though it breaks his heart.

Speaking from personal experience, it is so not worth it. Don’t write this storyline into your own life. There is no winner here.

S**t just got real. Sorry guys. More jokes below.

4. Never make a Pros and Cons list about a person.
One of my favorite storylines is Ross and Julie and Rachel, because I love love triangles, even though I do not love Julie. The below-mentioned drunken voicemail happens, Ross finds out Rachel is into him, he starts to second guess his relationship with Julie because he has always been in love with Rachel. What do the guys decide to do on Chandler’s sweet new laptop? Make a Pros and Cons list about Rachel and Julie.

Okay, listen. I love making lists. I do it all the time. I have even made venn diagrams weighing the differences between guys I was interested in at the same time, but you should not do it. (Especially the venn diagram because it EXTRA proves that you are likely wasting your time with those guys.) It is mean and stupid and unfair, because comparing minute differences holds no actual weight on the CONNECTION two people have with each other. There have been plenty of times I have disliked something about a boy, but I have still managed to fall in love with him. Pros and Cons lists go nowhere, especially because you are usually leaning one way in the first place. I mean, I decided where I was going to go to college using a Pros and Cons list, but the Pros were like “I like the color blue, that pizza guy on the brochure is cute.” So, anyway when Rachel reads the list, she gets really upset and wants nothing to do with Ross (until the prom video, siiiiiiigh).

Though, in Ross’ defense, “she’s not Rachel” is the sweetest con ever.

Also, I would kill to see a Pros and Cons list that someone has written about me, so if anyone has done it, can you email me? jatholmer@gmail.com. Kthanks.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=828250592 Morgwn Leigh Makepeace

    This post is the bees knees. Just the picture of the ‘I got off the plane’ made me cry. The PICTURE! Le sigh. I’m a Friends whore, and I don’t care who knows it. (:

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1242510169 Lizz Long

      Seeing the picture made me cry too! Hahaha.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=507773962 Michelle Grove Shaffer

    Yes! All of this is true and accurate! And thank you for confirming that hooking Joey and Rachel up for ANY length of time was the WORST idea…like, ever…I still cringe when I watch that series of episodes!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=18804415 Rachel Stuart

    Awww! I found my lobster! This is an awesome post, thank you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000405804082 Beata Weidinger

    Loved it! Thank you :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1406064650 Crystal Peralta

    Love this post!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=598080079 Becky Simmers

    YES, I completely agree with every single point in this article. What? I’m not crying.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=25908935 Chelsea Davis

    Finding your lobster. Truth.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=772751928 Romi Viola

    It’s great to see how many Friends-freaks we are around the world. I consider myself one since I was 9, and that led me to believe that there’s a Ross out there somewhere waiting for me.
    Maybe that explains my constant crushes on tall, nerdy guys. Interesting.
    Lovely article, as always!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=636497595 Emily Eyre

    I cry at all those scenes too…still. And I’m crying right now reading this. Yes, I’m a crier. :(

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=658276244 Emma Welton

    THIS POST IS THE BEST IN ALL OF LIKE HUMAN HISTORY EVER.
    that is all.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000926171641 An Ni Ka

    And we all agree that the kiss is just THE BEST KISS in the history of television, right? Right!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=654379209 Jenn Manigao-Tan

    How do I know I’m addicted to FRIENDS? When I know everything you’re talking about. :D Great post!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=636789225 Alycia Lourim

    omg this is probably one of the most amazing posts ever. i wanted to cry just seeing the pic you posted “i got off the plane” yeah rachel and ross can bring you to tears just thinking about them. oh friends is just wonderful.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=511178580 Ileana M.

    You know, so long has passed since that episode and I still have no idea what she was talking about when she said that line: “It’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy and it is a big deal.” Can anyone help me out with that? :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1426086245 Amy Rogg

    you. are. my. hero. thank you, i really needed this in my life right now.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1123992423 Rachel Carter

    LOVE THIS!!!!!! SO true!!!!!!!! I watch Friends EVERY DAY and I never get sick of it!! Ross and Rachel are the epitome of the perfect will they/won’t they couple!!! I still cry when Rachel gets off the plane, I still cry when Monica and Chandler get engaged and I just still cry at a lot of episodes! IT’S THE BEST SHOW EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1197707752 Boris Ilic

    WE WERE ON A BREAK!! :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1135881386 Natalie Salinas Suárez

    I totally love this post!!!!!! Especially the lobster analogy, always my fave one! <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=179201885 Bronwen Greenfield

    Oh no no. I’m on Ross’ side FOREVER. You can’t have it both ways Rachel.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100004391460782 Carla Simioni

    joey y rachel eran tal para cual.

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