EINTKILF

Everything I Need to Know, I learned from Ross&Rachel

Television shows are absolutely nothing without a Will They/Won’t They relationship, can I get an amen? Of all of the fantastic ones – and there are plenty of lists dedicated to such relationships – my ultimate favorite, the one I learned the most from, the one I can relate best to, the one that I still YouTube fan videos of all these years later, is Ross and Rachel. Ross and Rachel. Siiiiiiiigh. It is funny when you remove the fictional, cinematic approach to their relationship and realize that it would probably suck to be either Ross or Rachel: he loves her unrequited, then she loves him unrequited, then they get it together, but then work gets in the way and then he cheats on her (debatable–but I side with her), then he starts to date someone else and then she admits she still loves him, and then they kiss and make up, and then he gets mad at her for blaming him for their initial downfall, then they both date other people, then he gets married and she realizes she still loves him, then he says her name at the wedding instead of his stuffy British wife’s name, and then they both move on from each other, even though he chooses to keep being her friend instead of saving his marriage (screw your ultimatum, Emilllly) and then she has a thing with his best friend, even if we always knew she loved him more than the best friend, and then they get a little tipsy and get knocked up and have a baby together and then she might move to France and then she stays and we can only assume they finally made it work permanently. AFTER TEN YEARS OF THIS. DOESN’T THAT SOUND HORRIBLE?

I can tell you, three years into an eerily, annoyingly similar love story, that yes, it is horrible. But awwwwwwwwww, they are so funny and pretty, so we love watching them. Will they do it? Will they?

(FYI: I am funny and pretty [and modest], so people also enjoy “watching” my Will They/Won’t They relationship. He’s alright too.)

EINTKILF Ross and Rachel

1. Don’t sleep with someone else the night of your breakup.
I think, personally, it is a bad idea to sleep with someone else until quite some time after your breakup, because it only leads to feeling really good and “over it” until you realize that you just let someone else take advantage of you. But I mean, the plus about it is you get to drink red wine and have a meltdown that includes chocolate chips and a jar of peanut butter. I mean, I cannot speak for Ross, but I can speak for me, and that’s a real thing because I cope with my emotions like an adult, clearly. But anyway, if your girlfriend wants to go “on a break,” that does not mean get drunk and sleep with the copy girl. That means give her five seconds and I bet she will come around the next morning. BREAKS MEAN BREAKS NOT BREAKUPS.

2. Y-O-U APOSTROPHE R-E means “you are,” Y-O-U-R means “your.”
Thank you, Ross. Pay attention, everyone who should already know this.

3. Don’t date best friends.
The Joey and Rachel storyline is like my least favorite storyline on any show ever. Hear me out: I appreciate it for its realism (as IF Joey and Rachel would never hook up!), but I hate it for its complications. I hate it for how, IRL, it would really suck. I feel awful for Ross, who tries to be a good guy and a big person and act normal about the whole situation, even though it breaks his heart.

Speaking from personal experience, it is so not worth it. Don’t write this storyline into your own life. There is no winner here.

S**t just got real. Sorry guys. More jokes below.

4. Never make a Pros and Cons list about a person.
One of my favorite storylines is Ross and Julie and Rachel, because I love love triangles, even though I do not love Julie. The below-mentioned drunken voicemail happens, Ross finds out Rachel is into him, he starts to second guess his relationship with Julie because he has always been in love with Rachel. What do the guys decide to do on Chandler’s sweet new laptop? Make a Pros and Cons list about Rachel and Julie.

Okay, listen. I love making lists. I do it all the time. I have even made venn diagrams weighing the differences between guys I was interested in at the same time, but you should not do it. (Especially the venn diagram because it EXTRA proves that you are likely wasting your time with those guys.) It is mean and stupid and unfair, because comparing minute differences holds no actual weight on the CONNECTION two people have with each other. There have been plenty of times I have disliked something about a boy, but I have still managed to fall in love with him. Pros and Cons lists go nowhere, especially because you are usually leaning one way in the first place. I mean, I decided where I was going to go to college using a Pros and Cons list, but the Pros were like “I like the color blue, that pizza guy on the brochure is cute.” So, anyway when Rachel reads the list, she gets really upset and wants nothing to do with Ross (until the prom video, siiiiiiigh).

Though, in Ross’ defense, “she’s not Rachel” is the sweetest con ever.

Also, I would kill to see a Pros and Cons list that someone has written about me, so if anyone has done it, can you email me? jatholmer@gmail.com. Kthanks.

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