Something you guys may not know about me – because I write like a teenage girl – is that I have a degree in English Literature. Yeah, who doesn’t, right? But I really do read and write well–this column just caters to me getting out my passion for everything relatively unimportant yet completely enjoyable in the world. And I love it, and I think we should all do what we love and I love to watch movies I have already seen a thousand and five times and then teach you guys stuff. I’m a teacher, basically.
And I can’t believe I haven’t written this yet, so here we go!
EINTKILF Romeo + Juliet
1. Cousins are super important.
Remember how last week I wrote about Will and Carlton, the best cousins out there? Yeah, well, they should be thanking Romeo and Benvolio because, hello? They love each other so much. From the very beginning of the movie when Benvolio totally knows where Romeo is even though his parents can’t figure it out all the way to Romeo’s vengeance of his cousin’s death!
I love the scene with Benvolio and Romeo playing pool because it is such a normal conversation burdened down by Shakespeare’s confusing yet eloquent language. Really, it reads like this:
Benvolio: Gosh, get over it, there are like a million other chicks in the sea, or whatever that saying is.
Romeo: How can I get over it when I love her so much? You know nothing about love, bro.
Benvolio: Let’s go to this party and I’ll totally hook you up, man.
Romeo: I mean, I’ll go, but whatever man, I’ll never find another like her.
I am Romeo. I’m always like “no, no, no, I love this guy,” and then a few weeks later I’m all about someone else. Will this ever go away? I sure hope so.
2. Moms are the worst.
What the hell is wrong with Juliet’s mother? She is sooooooo the original Ruth Dewitt-Bukater, am I right? She insists upon her daughter marrying Paul Rudd because he has a ton of money and a strong familial name…or something. I don’t remember why. It’s certainly not for his dance moves because he’s a super goofball. I mean, Juliet’s nanny/housekeeper is a better mother to her than her real mother, but I guess that’s a thing for a lot of rich people, huh?
3. If love be rough with you, be rough with love.
“Prick love for pricking and you beat love down.”
Baz Luhrman’s take on Mercutio is my favorite thing in the world next to fresh mascara, red lipstick, chocolate chip pancakes, and DiCaprio’s lips on a cigarette. As he’s shaking that thang in a tiny silver skirt, adorned with a wig worthy of Nicki Minaj, he slips in my favorite line in the movie/play/world, and it is all you need to know about anything ever.
Be rough with love, you guys. It deserves it.
4. Costume parties are the place to meet boys.
Because when you are an angel, and you meet a…knight? On speed? Through a fish tank? That’s how you know it’s true love.
For real, though, if I saw those freakin’ blue eyes magnified through the water in a big ol’ fish tank, I would also let him kiss me–by the book or not–immediately.
4a. Desree’s voice is the bomb.
5. Any man who thinks he never saw true beauty until he saw you is a man worth dying for.
I mean, that’s a dramatic lesson but I kind of mean it, like if I met someone that said that to me even if I’m told I’m beautiful like fifty-five times a day, I feel like I would fall for him. Especially if he had deep blue eyes, flippy bangs, and kissed by the book, you know what I mean? Is that flighty of me to fall for dudes that say stuff like that? All I know is, even though I already loved him, one time I said that I knew nothing about flowers and my ex-boyfriend (before he was my boyfriend) said that he didn’t believe that because flowers were so beautiful and the smart part of me wanted to be like, “CORNBALL,” but the love part of me was like, “BAWWWWWWWWWWW,” and then I loved him for like three solid years, so there’s something to be said for bad lines about beauty. They stick with you!
6. Don’t call your lips “blushing pilgrims.”
Cause it’s weird.
7. Don’t consummate before marriage, y’all.
Okay I don’t actually condone this lesson at all, but I’m not gonna lie: Juliet has some power over Romeo, you guys. They are making out in the pool and when she’s all “gotta go!” and he’s all “will thou leave me so unsatisfied?” and she’s all “well what do you mean?” he’s like, “MARRY ME!” instead of “let’s get it on,” which is what he obviously meant, right? Right? I mean, I have never met a man that meant marriage before sex, and I have met a lot of men that didn’t want to sleep with me. Or marry me. Wait, what’s the lesson here? Um, try to get the upper hand. That’s the lesson, and I’m sticking to it.