On Twitter the other night, when I should have been fast asleep dreaming about having donuts for breakfast, my best friend’s husband was rattling off a long list of suggestions for my next EINTKILF. My best friend’s husband is hilarious, so some of the suggestions were a little more off-the-wall than I would initially spring to write about. But he said something that stuck with me, something that everyone else started to talk about, as well. We all remembered it! We were all excited about it! We all watched it at almost midnight! The power of nostalgia. And sometimes, you can learn big lessons from little things. In fact, all the time you can learn big lessons from little things. Without further ado:

EINTKILF that Pizza Hut commercial before the Land Before Time VHS

Before you think I am crazy, WATCH IT. You remember it. I promise.

1. Greet the host of the party.
First of all, isn’t Jerome’s mom in an episode of Full House? Or does she just look like that woman who loved Joey Gladstone? I cannot tell! Help me–this could actually keep me up at night. But anyway, beside the fact that it is weird that this kid’s name is Jerome, he is adorable. Jerome’s mom reminds him that the first thing he should do is to “say hello to Mrs. Miller!” Even though Mrs. Miller beats him to the punch, it is always important to say hello, and goodbye and thank you, to a party’s host. Also, did you guys call your friends’ parents by “Mr.” and “Mrs.”? I feel like it is a generation gap and our parents taught us to do that, but no one’s parents really wanted to be called something so formal. Especially by a little kid. Am I wrong? ‘Sup, Bob and Cindy!

2. “Wish Jessica a happy birthday.”
Now I do not mean the lesson is to wish just anyone a happy birthday, Jerome’s mom says to wish Jessica a happy birthday. I expect you all to wish me a happy birthday at every party from here on out.

3. Use your napkins.
I am going to pretend the gender discrimination of this commercial doesn’t bother me, because it was the late 80s, and that does not make it okay, but it makes it slightly more acceptable because we started laying the smack down on that kind of behavior later in my life. And that’s being generous because everything is still super sexist. That being said, Jerome’s mom tells him “polite little boys” use their napkins, but is that to say that impolite boys do not use napkins? Is it implied that little girls always use their napkins because we are made of sugar and spice and everything else sexist that little rhyme claims? Here’s the deal: I did not use a napkin properly until I was in my teens probably, so. Take that, Mrs. Jerome.

Oh, but anyway, the funny part of this commercial is that Jerome makes a bunch of silly hats out of napkins, so he’s “using” them, but not “using” them like his mom told him to use them. Hahahaha, silly Jerome. Full of tricks.

4. Chew with your mouth closed.
I will say that this lesson is the most important–besides wishing Jessica a happy birthday–because people who chew with their mouths open are gross heathens who have no consideration for the people around them. Do you disagree? Sick, guys. Don’t you care about other people’s appetites? I pretty much only care about other people’s appetites. But also, I think Jerome is really too old to have to be reminded in advance to chew with his mouth closed. Shouldn’t he have learned that lesson like five years ago?
 Also, cheese so does not do that, Pizza Hut! Note–kid’s mouth is closed. Good boy.

5. Share, share, share!
What is he supposed to be sharing, Mom? His pizza? Jessica’s gift? I guess he shares his pizza with that kid in the picture above, but my main concern is where is that cheese going to go when it finally breaks? It is going to get all over the table? Or that kid’s chin? And what is Jerome supposed to do about that? His mom never told him to clean up other kid’s chins or the table, so now what? I’m stressed out.

6. Use your silverware.
NO, MRS. JEROME. THIS IS A PIZZA PARTY. LET THE KID HAVE SOME FUN. All the silly kiddos put spoons on their noses, but why are there spoons at Pizza Hut? Pizza Hut, can you tell me, do you have spoons? I guess if Jessica was having cake and ice-cream, there could be silverware present, but that is the only exception. This party is getting out of hand.

7. Keep your elbows off the table.
…even if none of the other boys are doing it, Jerome, you better keep your elbows off the table, because you know what drives girls wild? Table manners. Meowwwww. This is also a sexist comment by Mrs. Jerome, but whatever! If she wants to raise her son to think everything is Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus, that is her problem.

I wonder where Jerome is now….keeping his elbows off of tables, I bet my bottom dollar.

8. Be nice to little girls.
Be nice to everyone, Jerome, but clearly it goes without saying that boys will be nice to boys and girls will be nice to girls. That is so how the world works at little kid’s birthday parties. I always went home crying from birthday parties because I was always that little girl who got into fights with the other little girls. Still am, but I definitely do not limit my overbearing opinions and strong demeanor to just girls, obviously. I make boys cry on the daily. Anyway, Jerome is obviously super nice to little girls, because they are all in love with him right off the bat so he really could do no wrong. He is also the life of the party, playing with crazy straws and making clothes out of napkins. What a special little guy. He totally gets a peck from the birthday girl, as well. Super nice to little ladies. What a gentleman.

9. Wear bowties / suspenders.
Not just to little girls’ birthday parties, but always. You should always, always, always wear bowties and suspenders, boys and men. I have preached upon this lesson before, and I shall do it again. Do you know how easy I could fall in love with a boy wearing a bowtie and suspenders, unapologetically? What a fantastic throwback look. You look good, I promise. Do it! And actually, women look gorgeous in this look as well.
You’d either look like Janelle Monáe (my dreamgirl) or Rudy Huxtable (my other dreamgirl). Win.

10. Have fun.
The most important lesson of all. So, go have fun, even if it isn’t your friend Jessica’s birthday. It is Labor Day, though! Party on!