EINTKILF Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From New Girl (Season 1) Jessica Tholmer

I know it is a relatively new show, but I don’t think I can live without New Girl. I have not been loyal to a sitcom in such a way since Friends was on. And man alive, it feels fantastic. The characters, in all of their quirky glory, beg us all to peg which of our friends is most like Schmidt, Winston, Jess or Nick. Or if you’re lucky enough to have a supermodel friend, Cece. Here’s the thing: I don’t know very many people quite like any of the characters, except for I have an eerily similar love story in my life to Jess and Nick’s. Jealous? (You probably shouldn’t be.)

EINTKILF Season 1 of New Girl

1. Rely on body language.
Cece tells Jess to watch Nick’s feet, proving that he is totally in love with her. It is so true. Your feet point to what they want. I tested this theory the other night when I was out with a group of friends. Yep, my feet, at the very least, know who I love most.

2. “Don’t be yourself in any way.”
…when trying to impress / make jealous your roommate’s ex-girlfriend at a wedding. (In which you look way better than she does because Caroline is the worst!) I love when she says, “Suppress the Jess.” That should be my life’s motto. Convenient, since my name is Jess.

3. Always be in tune with pop culture.
I really love when Winston has to brush up on years of pop culture references (“Sum up the last two years? The country’s broke. Betty White came back.”) because it is scarily accurate to real-life these days. The last few times I have applied for jobs, some of the questions have been about Facebook and Twitter and how present they are in my life. I am not joking. The first time a job interviewer asked me if I had a Facebook, I paused, hoping it wasn’t a trick question. I laughed and said, “yeah, since facebook was invented. I’m like the world’s greatest stalker.”

Guess what? I totally got the job. Bam! Who said messing around on the internet instead of writing my papers on time was a bad idea? I am also well informed about double rainbows, the kid who says “blood” funny, Sophia Grace and her hype girl, exercising poodles and best of all, “ALANALANALALALAN.”

Someone want to give me a job?

4. Never laugh at a naked man.
Because men are insecure, just like women! Equality! I have never laughed at a man’s penis before, but I am not saying I will never do so. I don’t think penises are funny, but if I walk in on you dancing to ‘Zungguzungguguzungguzeng‘ by Yellowman? Yeah, I’m totally going to laugh.

What I have also learned? Be sure your friends have seen your penis because they may have to identify you by it if you get into a freak accident.

5. Wear polka dots.
It makes you way more fun! Listen, I love Janice Ian as much as the next person, but I am totally Team Jess when it comes to hating on Nick’s brief lawyer girlfriend. I know she’s a regulation hottie and everything, but Jess loves Nick, so he should be with no one else until they get together. (Ahh, talking about myself again.)

“I brake for birds, I rock a lot of polka dots, I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours and I find it fundamentally strange that you’re not a dessert person. That’s just weird, and it freaks me out. And I’m sorry I don’t talk like Murphy Brown, and I hate your pantsuit. I wish it had ribbons on it, or something to make it just slightly cuter.”

Yep. Team Jess.

6. Secret sexual relationships never stay secret.
Cece and Schmidt, in the world’s weirdest-but-it-is-so-darn-cute relationship, have crazy passionate secret sex for awhile before they get busted and then everyone tells everyone else about it. It doesn’t ruin the sex, though, and then it eventually leads into a real(ish) relationship. (I sure hope they stay together, even after Schmidt tried to White Fang Cece in the season finale.) Even if the secret gets out, it can still be a good time. Secrets don’t make friends, anyway, you guys. Be open with your weird relationship choices. You’ll feel better in the long run.

Good grief, I am talking about myself again!

7. Chase the passionate relationships.
“Even if it’s harder and it hurts more.”

Man, I feel that. Because you know what the worst part of a relationship is? Getting along all of the time. Who does that? I think fighting is super healthy, which is why I am always fighting someone, or at least something. Passion is where it’s at.

(Like Nick and Jess, duh.)

8. Never leave your friends for a girl they don’t like.
When the time comes for serious relationships to start breaking up your friend group (sigh, it sucks, but it is inevitable), at least be sure to choose a girl/boy that your friends enjoy spending time with so when they resent you later, they can at least admit that they would do the same thing. This happens in my friend group all the time. (We always hate the girlfriend.) I think I was a rare exception of, “yeah, I’d rather be hanging out with Jess, too.” In this instance, I’m talking about me Jess, not Jess Day. Keep up, this is getting confusing.

9. Never backslide!
Raise your hand if you are guilty. I am super guilty. It is absolutely never okay to hook up with your ex after a bad breakup. It is also never okay to hook up with your ex when you are mad at your current love interest.

Fine. I am talking about myself. Again.

“Jess, first of all, you’re never gonna be old, humans are going to be immortal by 2026. Second of all, give me your phone. You have backslider written all over you.”

10. “You got hurt. That doesn’t mean you stop trying.”
Oh, Cece. Does everyone love Cece as much as I do? I don’t even hate her for being like…the prettiest person on television since Winnie Cooper. And she is full of good advice. Stop doing things because you are afraid of the outcome! Now let’s all jump out of a plane without a parachute or something. It could result in fame and beauty, or at least a ton of broken bones.

Or, let’s all admit our feelings and make some plays. It’s okay to take risks and get hurt. Que sera.

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  1. [...] Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From New Girl (Hello Giggles) [...]

  2. I want to establish a ‘douche-bag jar’. That seems like a genius idea

  3. New Girl is my favourite new show. Can’t get enough.
    I relate soooo much to Jess it’s ridiculous.
    This article is 100% relevant.
    Here’s to another season of life inspiration! ;)

  4. Haven’t missed an episode since it started, and now I’m watching the re-runs. (I wonder where they buy “Jess” outfits)

  5. 12. Feel free to change your freaking mind and go for what you want!

  6. I love this show so much it’s a little ridiculous. I was re-watching episodes yesterday and was a bit surprised at all the parallels to my life at the moment. I need more of Jess and the gang. I’m missing them!

  7. And my chucks have baby farm animals on them bitch…

  8. This was so entertaining. I love that you called Janice Ian a regulation hottie! Loving New girl too. Great tips from a great show.

  9. 11. Don’t overlook the Nick’s in your life. Just because you can have a Dylan McDermott (swoon), doesn’t mean that he’s the one!

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