Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From Katy Perry Songs

I used to dislike Katy Perry, and I am not really sure why. Her song “California Gurls” was, for some reason, so irritating to me. I was like, there are already a million songs about being a “California Gurl,” and as a “California Gurl,” I prefer the Beach Boys’ version! (By “California Gurl,” I meant born there, and moved to Marysville, Washington two years later. So not a “California Gurl.”)

Then I started hanging out with these guys who loved listening to Katy Perry, and I had a huge crush on one of them and now the entire album “Teenage Dream” reminds me of him in like ten ways. So naturally, I love her.

And her lyrics. They are motivational gold. Also, I think “Teenage Dream” is one of the greatest album titles of all-time.

EINTKILF Katy Perry Lyrics

1. When you are in love, you’ll be young forever.
It is basically like taking a sip out of that Tuck Everlasting (does anyone else remember how hot Jonathan Jackson is/was?) water. Though when you are in love, you really do feel young forever. The whole being-single-and-not-in-love thing is how you start feeling old. (Enter my best friend’s eye roll.)

2. Always choose cherry chapstick.
It defines what kissing a woman is like. I mean, if a woman said it, it must be true! Women never lie.

3. The birds and bees—still a thing!
The entire song “Hummingbird Heartbeat” references an analogy I was never taught because my mother is one of those “hush hush” types. The first time I heard about sex was probably on Days of Our Lives, or maybe from Salt-n-Pepa, so I really appreciated Katy’s “Hummingbird Heartbeat.” In fact, the first line “you make me feel like I’m losing my virginity” is my favorite opening line of all time, save Al Green’s “Let’s Get it On.”

Do you have a person who makes you feel like you are losing your virginity, first time, every time when they are touching you? Hold on to that one!

4. If it’s not like the movies, that’s how it should be.
Here’s the deal: I am the most cinematically driven person maybe ever. If something resembles a plotline in a movie, I am so in—even if it is my own love life (it always is) and I gripe about it (I always do) and I talk about how I wish my boys would just man up and put a ring on it (Beyoncé reference—sorry Katy), even though I don’t actually wish that because I am a a terrible commitment-phobe and if I got hitched too soon in life, I would get bored and probably end up in a Closer situation.

Well, that was depressing. The main point is: the song “Not Like the Movies” made me cry when I saw Katy Perry live last summer. She. Rules.

Wait it out for your real, true love.

“If stars don’t align, if it doesn’t stop time, if you can’t see the sign, wait for it, one hundred percent.”

…waiting for Leonardo DiCaprio.

5. Tell your person what they mean to you.
Otherwise, you will be stuck singing a song to the memory of them when you are about a million years old and gray and they apparently died years ago in a premature, tragic death. The song “The One That Got Away” was not even half as depressing until I watched the music video. So if you haven’t already, avoid watching it, even though I just linked it to you because I am a jerk.

Also, never get matching tattoos with anyone. My hair stylist/really great friend and I got friendship tattoos, but they are just hearts so if we ever have a falling out, it won’t really mean anything. Well, that and we will never have a falling out because I have to have great hair and she is the only one I trust.

6. Never treat the girl you like like “one of the boys.”
I am treated like “one of the boys” so often because of the “three brothers” thing, and probably because I “swear” “a lot,” and probably even because I “hang out” with mostly “boys” and always have. The funny thing is, I am super girly! I wear skirts and dresses more than pants, I almost always have bold lipstick on, my hair is done pretty much every day, even those days when I’m all, “oh yeah, I just slept with it in a bun.” Still, I can’t tell you how many times a person I had a crush on didn’t make a move because I was just “one of the boys.” Sigh. I have resigned to always making the move. I am too spunky.

PS I love making out, so I extra love this song.

Soooooo not one of the boys!

7. Do not settle for second best.
Just between us dear readers, I will tell you a secret: the song “Thinking of You” made me cry when I saw Katy live last summer. The entire auditorium looked like a live version of Candy Land, but I could not stop the tear flow ’cause I fo sho relate to this song like nobody’s business.

“You said move on, where do I go? I guess second best is all I will know.”

Whip your first best into shape and stop settling, otherwise you will be crying at Katy Perry concerts, which is super corny.

8. Be a lover, not a mother.

Do not date men or women that make you feel like you are babysitting. I have done it, and it is weird. Also, don’t fall asleep during foreplay.

9. There’s a way out.
There are some people who dislike Katy Perry because she is “provocative” and “over the top” and “too sexual.” To those people, I dare you to listen to the song “Pearl” and tell me you would rather your daughter not listen to her beautiful lyrics. Speaking of crying at Perry songs, “Pearl” is about a woman being suppressed by her lover, a song encouraging her to remember the pearl she is, inviting her to come and grow strong. Don’t be a shell! That is great advice!

“But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her, so he keeps her in the dark.”

Don’t stand for that ish. Man, I love girl power.

10. After a hurricane, comes a rainbow.
If there is one thing I love in a song, it is a line about sun coming out after a rainy day. In fact, I have the word “brighter” tattooed on my left wrist after a song lyric (“if you can make it through the night, there’s a brighter day”). The song “Firework” is an entire song comprised of those types of lyrics. If you are ever, ever, ever feeling down about anything, I urge you to come on and let your colors burst.

Oh, and let us all run out and see Katy Perry: Part of Me 3D this week! For a second time!

PS Jess’ tattoo song lyric credit goes to Tupac Shakur.

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