Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From Jurassic Park

If you know me in real life, you know that it is certainly not a rare occurence for me to view a movie I have enjoyed more than one time in the movie theater. It’s basically my calling card at this point. Everyone knows I have seen Titanic fourteen times in the theater (thanks for the 3D release, Jim!). Some people know I saw Dreamgirls seven times in the theater. Very few people know I saw Mean Girls, Thirteen Going on 30 and Princess Diaries 2 four times a piece in the movie theater. Pretty much everyone knows now that my life is horribly empty.

… The point of that is, the first movie I ever saw more than one time in the movie theater was Jurassic Park. Why? Well, the first time we saw it as a fam, something went wrong (my step-dad said dinosaurs ate the reel, but I’m pretty sure he was kidding) and the movie wouldn’t play. The movie deserved another chance. And another! And another! Because when you love something, you should watch it incessantly, obviously! And boy do I love Jurassic Park, and boy, you all should, as well. I have a dear friend who just got married and walked down the aisle to the theme from Jurassic Park because she is awesome. (And today is her birthday, so happy birthday!)

Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Jurassic Park

1. Sequels are never as good as the original.
No, please do not argue with me. I know you guys think I am a space cadet who has not watched anything made after 1996, but I promise I am not. I know my Oscar history much better than most people, and I know the difference between a good good movie (The Departed) and a good bad movie (From Justin to Kelly) and I know that some people like sequels, and so do I, but I also know that they are not as good as the original! Even the people who argue in favor of Godfather II being better than the original are straight up wrong in their opinions, even if they are entitled to them. That all being said, if I ever meet someone who likes The Lost World more than the original, I will burst into flames.

2. What a dinosaur egg looks like.

This has been super useful for my real life.

3. Life finds a way.
Henry: You’re implying that a group composed entirely of female animals will breed?
Hot Dr. Ian Malcolm: No, I’m—I’m simply saying that life, uh, finds a way.

Yes, it does. This can also be taken as, “Who needs males?”

4. Some dinosaurs are lethal at only eight months old!
Also, so are some human children.

5. The definition of chaos theory.
To smart people, “chaos theory” is a field of study in math that is also known as the “butterfly effect.” To people who were born without any mathematical sensibility, chaos theory is “talking to yourself,” because Jeff Goldblum said it is and “butterfly effect” is an entirely underrated movie starring Ashton Kutcher.

You guys are soooo jealous of my simple mind, aren’t you?

6. The girl kid is always the annoying one.
I am so delighted that I can finally share with a larger group one of my proudest conversation topics: Which Sibling Duo is the Cutest? For years and years, I have wanted to talk about Jumanji versus Hook versus Jurassic Park in regards to their boy/girl sibling coupling. So, let’s, and I would love your input on the matter.

My opinion:

Maggie and Jack Banning, Hook (Jack is cuter, only because Maggie ruined it with that weird song.)
Judy and Peter Shepherd, Jumanji (Peter is cuter because Judy is pompous and obnoxious and Peter basically doesn’t ever talk. Plus, he turns into a monkey, which is adorable.)
Lex and Tim Murphy (Tim is waywaywayway cuter because Joseph Mazzello is almost the cutest kid from the entire decade.)

Boys win it out. Sorry girls, you know I love you!

7. What a vegetarian is.
I used to think the first time I had heard of vegetarianism was in that episode of The Simpsons when Lisa stops eating meat, but it was actually from Jurassic Park. Of course Lex is a vegetarian. Her name is Lex, for crying out loud! What an environmentalist! This movie also taught me what an herbivore is. Actually, that may have been Land Before Time, but they also taught me what it’s like when your mom dies and you are entirely on your own, so we pretend like that movie isn’t real.

8. “Kids get scared.”
A direct quote from Dr. Malcolm.

Well, yeah, duhhhhh. For the record, adults get scared, and wouldn’t anyone get scared?!

9. People who pretend that they don’t like kids sometimes secretly really love kids.
Jeez, that was a mouthful. I started to say, “jerks make great father figures,” but I thought that would be an extremely controversial statement that I should not even claim, so. Sorry. The point is, Dr. Alan Grant is a total grumpy old man in the beginning of the movie, but he is the only one who cares about Lex and Peter. He is so sensitive and reassuring and kind, even though Tim irritated him with his badass dino jokes in the beginning of the movie. And I have known a million men that say they don’t like or don’t want kids and I have caught them in the act of being adorable around babies and small children. SO BUSTED GUYS.

John: …And there’s no doubt; our attractions will drive kids our of their minds!
Dr. Alan Grant: And what are those?
Dr. Ellie Sattler: Small versions of adults, honey.

10. A shaky glass of water is bad news.
My older cousin Nicole practically had post traumatic stress disorder from a few bad earthquakes we experienced at a younger age. (I did too, but I’m trying to impress you guys by pretending I’m tough.) Every time anyone even moved, she would freak out, “ARE WE HAVING AN EARTHQUAKE?!” I wasn’t that bad, but if I saw see my water ripple unnecessarily, I duck and cover immediately. Is that still normal earthquake precaution? You know what? They don’t teach adults what to do in case of emergency! I have been out of school for years! Am I still supposed to duck under the desk and cover my neck? Are doorways still considered a safety zone? Can someone help me? My water is moving!!!

Also, not to sound like a John Williams groupie or anything, but the Jurassic Park soundtrack is the most amazing thing in the world. Thank you, sir!

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