The 4th of July used to be my favorite holiday. I loved lighting off fireworks and eating watermelon and stressing out that my brothers were going to blow their faces off. And then 1996 rolled around and I could stop pretending that I wanted to sit outside in the inevitable rain (because I am from the Pacific Northwest where summer officially begins on July 5th) blowing up pop cans and writing my name in sparklers. (Look, I don’t even like my name, so no, I don’t want to wave it around in the air.) Now, finally, I could be a true American and stay inside watching a movie. Thank you, Roland Emmerich.
EINTKILF Independence Day
1. Aliens will kill us all.
Every good disaster movie has a supernatural tone to it, and we all know that is the truth. I am never afraid of movies ever (save The Shining and The Blair Witch Project, but only because my brothers locked me in the bathroom and told me to stand in the corner after we watched it!), but if I really sit down to think about it, I can freak myself out about aliens. Am I going to die by a huge face-sucker who finds me in a crowd because my lipstick is so bright? Are we going to be attacked by a group of mind-melting freaks that are sick of our superior American intelligence? Probably! Have you ever seen any movie ever?!
2. Strippers are people, too.
Jasmine, Will Smith’s super hot girlfriend, is a stripper in an eerily empty strip club. (Is it empty because of the alien invasion or just in general? I imagine strip clubs were poppin’ in the 90s! The Clinton Era had our economy doing so well, I imagine everyone had dolla dolla bills to throw at naked women!) But don’t judge a book by its cover, haters. Jasmine is a stripper with a heart of gold–she clearly strips to support her son, Little Nicky, and her dog Boomer. She is also far more intelligent than her ginger friend who thinks it is a good idea to welcome the aliens to Earth. I mean, not in a “welcome to Earth” way like Will does, but you know. With signs and stuff.
And speaking of…why aren’t we all talking about how cute it is that Will Smith and Ross Bagley are in this movie and in Fresh Prince together? In my mind, they still have a really strong old cousin/young cousin relationship, even IRL.
3. Jeff. Goldblum. Is. The. Man.
Okay, maybe it was a combo of ID4 and Jurassic Park that led me to this conclusion, but regardless, I have always been a massive Goldblum fan. Imagine my fangirl delight when he started playing one of Rachel Berry’s dads on Glee. He is literally the most versatile man alive. Super snarky scientist guy, gay dad, fly. I mean, he can do no wrong, and he can look so, so, so good doing it.
4. It ain’t over until the fat lady sings.
“Forget the fat lady. You’re obsessed with fat lady. Just get us out of here!”
Basically, that’s my life motto. I do not give up on anything until a fat lady sings, which is why I have never given up on anything.
My other life motto is “never say never,” but mostly because of The Biebs.
5. Vote Bill Pullman for President.
He is a strong leader, a spine-tingling orator, and I am not gonna lie–he is kind of a hottie. He’s got that whisper voice that gets me every time.
Me: Bill Pullman is kind of sexy, is that weird?
Roommate: No, I think so too! Look at him, he’s all haggard and president-y.
Also, he is an adorable dad to his super cute little daughter.
6. Never buy a girl an engagement ring with a dolphin on it.
I mean, I am certainly not a ring or a marriage expert, but I am pretty sure that it is tacky. It is totally cool if your lady is into dolphins, but that does not mean her ring has to incorporate them. I mean, I like gin and tonics. Is my future husband going to buy me a gin and tonic ring? Wait, what would that be like? I could be into it. This lesson may be disproved.
I will marry the man who buys me a ring that tastes like gin. That would go down.
7. Andrew Keegan is always a jerk.
“You don’t want to die a virgin, right?”
Okay, so Andrew is all, “sweet, the world may end, I am so going to get this young girl to sleep with me!” I mean, he is even credited in the film as “Older Boy.” Jeez, buddy! Why don’t you go tell your mom you love her or something instead of taking advantage of a young and impressionable young woman!? He’s a jerk in 10 Things I Hate About You and even in that episode of Full House when he stands Stephanie up! I mean, I am sure he is a nice boy now (kinda sure), but he certainly typecasted himself back in the day. Clean up your act, Keegan. Your fancy model hair and incredibly perfect cheekbones aren’t fooling this young lady.
(But call me if you are single.)
8. All you need is love.
Now, I love Steven and Jasmine’s relationship lots, but I like David and Connie’s even more, because obviously I prefer complicated relationships. (The 90s ruined my love life.) The cutest part, IMPersonalO, is when Connie tells David’s dad that the issue in their relationship was never a lack of love. Papa Goldblum hits her with some cold truth: “all you need is love. John Lennon, smart man, shot in the back, very sad.”
But isn’t it true? Especially on this monumental day in American history, isn’t love all we really need? No one you can save that can’t be saved!
9. Don’t count out the rednecks.
Cousin Eddie plays this totally crazy man who lives in a trailer insisting that he had previously been abducted by aliens. Of course, everyone thinks he is a nut job until the aliens come down to Earth and try to kill everyone. And you know what? Eddie saves the day. Whoever said Randy was the weakest Quaid brother? Sure, Dennis has a smile that just won’t quit, but has he ever saved the entire world from an alien invasion?
10. Will Smith is the hottest man probably ever.
I am sorry, guys. I just couldn’t rightfully finish up explaining the greatness of this film without mentioning the most American part of it: Will Smith’s biceps. This man’s nickname is actually “Mr. Fourth of July” because he always has movies coming out on Independence Day weekend that sweep the box office because Americans just cannot get enough of his funny one-liners and shiny six pack. Will Smith, I would let you save me any day. I wanna be that cigar in your mouth. I want you to Fresh my Prince. I’ll pursue your happiness. I’ll make your parents understand. I’ll be your legend.
I could do this all day.
Happy Birthday, America! We love you!