EINTKILF Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York' Jessica Tholmer

Hi. Warning. I have serious issues with this movie and I will always be #TEAMTHEFIRSTONE.

EINTKILF Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

1. Don’t make fun of your family in public.

Probably 95% of the reason this movie irritates me is because it pretty much begins with Kevin singing his little heart out in a school program while Buzz makes fun of him in the background. For some entirely exaggerated reason, the entire audience is cracking up (because holding two fake candles up to a child’s ears is true comedy?) and then somehow Kevin gets in trouble for knocking everyone over. Yes, he causes a disaster in the middle of a school organized event, but I mean, come on! Buzz is consistently a jerk to Kevin and he always gets away with it! Not to mention Uncle Frank! Why is that grown ass man always picking on a child?!

Anyway, doesn’t Buzz know anything about being an older brother? You can pick on your brother in the privacy of your home, but you cannot pick on him in public.

2. “You can mess with a lot of things, but you can’t mess with kids on Christmas.”

This is basically Kevin’s tagline, and he proves it true by taking down grown men on Christmas at least twice.
harrymarc

I would also like to point out that Kevin’s Christmases consistently suck, yet he still manages to defend himself during the holidays. I think I would have thrown in the towel the second time my family proved that they hated me.

3. Don’t go to Florida for Christmas anyway! 

KevinI’m not sorry. I did what I did because Buzz humiliated me and since he gets away with everything, I let him have it. And since you’re all so stupid to believe his lies, I don’t care if your idiotic Florida trip gets wrecked or not! Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate, anyway?

Um, amen kiddo. Who seriously chooses to go to Florida for Christmas? I am with Kevin. I would much rather get stuck in New York during the holidays than go anywhere near Florida.

And anyway, why all the traveling?? I feel like because of the previous catastrophic events during the holiday season, I would want to take it easy and just kind of chill at home.

Nope! Let’s try it again! Let’s lose Kevin again!

The McCallister family is nuts. Any normal family would opt to stay at home, protecting their precious goods that the Wet (now Sticky) Bandits tried to steal the year prior.

4. Potentially crazy old men > definitely crazy old women.

This is in the running for the worst lesson I have ever tried to teach in an EINTKILF because pretty sure statistically speaking, women are more trustworthy than men, but I mean…Old Man Marley is the jam.

Though I must admit, Bird Lady is pretty sweet, as well. She and Kevin have some touching moments, and I guess I can get behind her lack of trust in humanity.

Kevin: If you need somebody to trust, it can be me. I won’t forget to remember you.
Bird Lady: Don’t make promises you can’t keep.


pigeonlady

Plus, she has an Oscar. (In real life.)

5. Nothing is Tim Curry’s fault!

It is entirely unnecessary when Kate (the mom, in case you are not as well versed in Home Alone character names as I am) slaps poor Mr. Hector across the face. What the hell did he do? Let Kevin check into a hotel? You abandoned him! Twice! At Christmas!
katetim

Poor guy.

6. Parks are terrifying, apparently.

Marv: Yeah but what can he do? He’s a kid. Kids are helpless.
Harry: Not this kid.
Marv: Yeah but this time he doesn’t have a house full of dangerous goodies to get us with. He’s in the park. He’s alone. Kids are scared of the park.
Harry: Yeah. Grown men come into the park and never leave alive. Good luck little fella.

What?! Grown men go into parks and never come out? Since when? I know there are obviously horror stories about people who have been killed in parks, but I would not necessarily count it as fact, you know what I mean?

Also, loving Marv referring to Kevin’s pranks as a “house full of dangerous goodies.” There is just something so mischevious sounding about “dangerous goodies.”

7. Cell phones are vital.

The whole time I am watching this movie, I am thinking…if Kevin just had a cell phone, you know? They could have been calling each other in the airport, even.

Or imagine Kevin with a smart phone! He could be tweeting about being lost in New York and within minutes his family would know where he was. 2013, you are a beautiful time.

8. Turtle doves are a symbol of friendship.

Cutest old man in a toy store award goes to Mr. Duncan from Duncan’s Toy Chest, which I can only imagine is supposed to be FAO Schwartz. Mr. Duncan gifts two turtle dove ornaments(?) to Kevin and explains their deep rooted history of friendship and love. Touching.

9. Take time to celebrate.

So the Sticky Bandits are chasing Kevin down the streets of New York and because this kid is a genius, he buys some pearl necklaces from a vendor, immediately destroys the poor dude’s craftsmanship, and throws the pearls all over the place, causing the dummies to slip and fall.

And Kevin takes a whole minute to stop, make sure they fell, and congratulates himself.
kevin2

Run, kiddo. Don’t be a dingus.

10. Adults are dumb.

And then I was thinking… as Marv and Harry were once again fooled by a child (and they continue to be fooled throughout the movie, obviously)…adults are idiots. Kev’s parents are dumb, Uncle Frank is the worst, and I don’t know who told Harry and Marv to seek out a life of crime, but they suck at it.

And I’m an adult technically and I am pretty dumb sometimes, though I am pretty confident that if I needed to take down an eight to ten year old, I could.

Actually, that’s not true. When my boss’ son and his friends stole my cell phone to text all of the boys’ names in my phone, I definitely lost that battle. By the time I got it back, the boy remarked, “you should really put a password on that thing.”

Better luck next time, Jess.

Merry Christmas!

Featured image via dailymail.co.uk, paint can image via bluray.com, bird lady image via guesswhatideservethis.wordpress, Kevin celebrating image via kissthemgoodbye.net.

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  1. In their defense on the parks thing, Central Park back in the day was legit pretty dangerous.

  2. Home Alone is an INCREDIBLY educational movie. You hit the nail on the head.