EINTKILF Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From Home Alone Jessica Tholmer

I have never been the biggest fan of the whole “Christmas in July” thing, mostly because I have no idea its origin and I refuse to “look it up” (Google it) because I am extremely lazy. It barely makes sense and it reminds me of local furniture commercials who are, according to my research, the only people who celebrate it. PLUS, six months until Christmas is in June, so why not celebrate it then? That being said, one of my dearest friends suggested I talk about Home Alone to celebrate Christmas in July, and since I talk about Home Alone every five minutes anyway, I figure I should. AND THEN, I can talk about Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, and all of the other amazing Christmas movies in a few months. Like, October through December. (Jussssst kidding, maybe.)

EINTKILF Home Alone
(Say Home Alone one more time.)

1. Don’t leave your freaking kid home alone on Christmas.
Obviously. Try to put in minimal effort toward not being a terrible parent. Kevin’s parents are the worst. Don’t get me wrong–I would love having Catherine O’Hara as a mother, but if she was going to forget me and pass it off like, “Oh yeah, we left the garage door open,” I’ll keep my own mother, thank you very much. And then they lose him again. I mean, what’s wrong with you guys?

2. Never trust your children to count your children.
Kevin has a billion and five brothers/sisters/cousins and when what’s-her-face (okay, her name is Heather, but I am trying not to let you guys know how well I know this movie) is touching heads to assure everyone is accounted for, she counts the little neighbor boy as Kevin, which is so weird because he is talking so much, clearly asking questions hinting toward the fact that he is definitely not related and definitely not going on vacay to France with the McCallisters. He even bids them farewell (“Have a good trip! Bring me back something French!”) on his way to his home with his own parents who probably would never leave him. Also, don’t you think the McCallisters should have specifically been looking for Kevin since they got into a huge fight the night before? I feel like if I were a mother, I would check on the child that told me he never wanted to talk to any of us jerks again. You know, just in case he meant it or something.

3. Have a Michael Jordan standee ready for fake-out purposes.
Other standees that may work: Will Smith (I had three at one point), James Dean (it helped my friend win a presidential election in college), Walter Jones (the football player, not the Power Ranger. My friends have one for some reason. He comes out at parties.).

4.  When grocery shopping, know your priorities.
Get the milk, eggs and fabric softener! And be sure your toothbrush is approved by the American Dental Association.

5. Never try to outsmart children.
Sometimes when I am watching Home Alone, I am shocked by the cleverness of Kevin and his ability to take down not one but TWO grown men criminals! I mean, I know Harry and Marv are kind of dummies, but they still try to kill Kevin and he’s all, “nah, it’s cool, I’ll just crush some ornaments on the ground and stop them in their tracks!” And it works! Kids are geniuses! At least the kids who wear adorable little Cosby sweaters and comb their hair just right. Macaulay Culkin is my dream child. I will sell my own if they aren’t sassy like this guy.

6. French babes don’t shave their pits.
I mean, according to Buzz…and I would listen to anything Buzz says. They also have nude beaches, but not in the winter.

7. You’re never too old to be afraid.
Old Man Marley (what a name! So fitting!) has a bad reputation for most of the movie until Kevin finally decides to actually talk to him instead of judging him on his creepy shovel habits and realizes he is just a really great guy with a sad past. (Aren’t we all, though? Sigh.) Old Man Marley tells Kevin that he has to see his granddaughter sing at church from afar because he and his son fought and he is no longer welcome in his home (the lessons: don’t lose your temper, be careful what you wish for) and then Kevin advises OMM to call his son. OMM is scared that he will not want to talk to him, and Kevin, so wise for his years, tells him that at least he will then know, and thus can stop being afraid.

Are you guys listening? 1) you are never too old to be afraid of anything, even if it is small like spiders or clowns, or big like families falling apart and 2) TAKE CHANCES. Whaddya, say?

I’m always into pushing people into taking chances because I hope my future boyfriend (my FBF?) reads my hellogiggles column and will realize that I am a mothereffing genius and overflowing waterfall of knowledge and he should snap me up before I marry someone super hotter than him. My genius is cleverly disguised in 90s movies references, duh.

8. Clothes matter.
OMM
: I send her a check.
Kevin: I wish my grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it.
OMM: That’s nice.
Kevin: Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that. Yeah, I had a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas.

I can’t even comment on this because it is a perfectly written thing.

9. As a “bad guy,” try to avoid “calling cards.”
Harry is so pissed at Marv when they get arrested. They could have been busted on just one account of house robbing and attempted murder of a child instead of numerous. Cause that’s better.

10. Other things: if Kevin can do his own laundry, you can do your own laundry; brothers are big jerks, but you know you secretly love them; don’t call your mom a dummy; John Candy is the greatest, may he rest in comedian heaven. And you know what? I hate Uncle Frank. I don’t even think he’s funny, I just think he is totally mean to children. 

Buzz, your girlfriend! Woof!

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  1. I think we are best friends. Or soul mates. I friggin LOVE this movie. I know every line, and rewind the part where Marv sticks his head through the doggy door and Kevin is laying on his belly waiting. His nasaly “hello” and shiz-eatin’ grin is the best line in the whole movie.
    http://www.fiterature.com

  2. Without googling properly, I THINK Christmas in July is a concept created for us Southern-Hemisphere folks who are stuck with a summertime Christmas every year. I love Christmas as much as the next person (okay, way more than the next person, probably.), but let me tell you, watching Christmas movies about sledding in the snow whilst you’re trying not to melt when its 100 degrees out and out SUCKS. I have had one Christmas where Jack Frost was nipping at my nose… and even though I was away from most of my friends and family, and I hardly got any presents , it was the best, ever.

  3. I remember wanting to know if my toothbrushes were approved by the ADA for a few weeks after seeing this. And I totally understand the sweater thing. My grandma bought me hideous sweaters, the ones that would make anyone sweat in 30 degree weather, and I was relentlessly made fun of. I stopped wearing the sweaters she bought me to school by the third grade as well as outside of school.

  4. Best article ever!

    ‘Come and get me ya big horses ass’
    (gets me every time)

  5. This is so weird because I woke up with this strong urge to watch Home Alone this morning. I decided to go with Home Alone 2: Lost In New York instead!