I could not, for the whole life of me, decide what to write this week, for you see, this week is my birthday. Yes, I was born on August 17th and I shall turn 25 in just a few days. I thought I should write about famous Leos, or about The Lion King, since they are obviously all Leos in that movie. I thought I should write about the year 1987 because it was when I was born, but I could not decide what would be funny or relevant or interesting enough for everyone to enjoy along with me. To be honest, all I want to do as I am writing this is show you pictures of me from my childhood while drinking champagne straight from the bottle, licking the frosting off of cupcakes and listening to “Juicy” on repeat.
And then I was like, writer’s block, begone! What would Jo Rowling do? And then I was like, JO ROWLING, you are a goddess, and a Leo. And you know who else is a Leo? Harry Potter, the fictional character and Daniel Radcliffe, the actor portraying Harry Potter. So then I thought, should I write about Harry Potter, Book 1? When I turned 18, I got a lightning bolt tattoo on my left foot to represent my love for Harry Potter, and everyone said I would one day regret it, but you know what, haters?! Not a day has gone by that I don’t regret my tattoo, even when my brothers started calling me Gatorade.
So, happy birthday to me, and to everyone else this week and happy un-birthday to you guys, as well!
EINTKILF Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
(I’m not British, unfortunately. We are Sorcerers here in America.)
1. Don’t make people sleep in cupboards.
Even if they are quaint and we all kind of wish we had a bedroom under a staircase, it will totally backfire when the wizarding world comes for you, Dursleys.
2. Big families = better families.
Who wouldn’t want to be either a Weasley or a surrogate Weasley? They are clearly the greatest thing to happen in Harry’s entire life, and not just because he meets his future baby mama in the fam. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley are the greatest parents in the history of literature, and all of the Weasley boys are hot and hilarious. Who needs money when you got love like this? Also, I hate when people talk about gingers negatively ’cause I’m always like, “hello, Weasleys?” I like to use fictional characters to support my real life points.
3. Just ask for what you want.
One of my favorite lessons that carries throughout the whole book series is that if you want something bad enough, you can get it. I think it is actually what that book The Secret was about, but I am not entirely positive because I never read it, strangely enough. I love secrets–it’s why my hair is so big! Okay, Harry really, really doesn’t want to be in Slytherin because, even though he knows like two things about the wizarding world, he has gleaned enough knowledge to know that Slytherin produces the worst people ever. Did you guys ever sort yourselves and your friends? My best friend and I sorted our other BFF into Slytherin once and she got legit mad and it still makes us laugh, bunch of bully Gryffindors that we are. I am getting so far off track. Harry doesn’t want to be in Slytherin, so when the Sorting Hat is on his head, he says, “not Slytherin, not Slytherin,” so he is placed in Gryffindor. Later in the series, Dumbledore tells him that his wishing to not be in Slytherin was what kept him from being placed there BECAUSE if you can believe it, you can achieve it. Motivational classroom poster lesson, as well.
4. The people you dislike most will become your best friends.
I love stories like this, the ones that are like, “gahh, we used to hate each other and now we are inseparable!” Ron is a total boob to poor Hermione Granger even though she is sweet enough to tell him he has dirt on his nose when they first meet, but whatever because boys are just a bunch of bullies anyway. Ron does not like Hermione very much because she is a total know-it-all, but when they defeat that troll in the dungeon (thought you oughta know!), the threesome become total BFFLs, and I mean, spoiler alert, but Ron falls in love with Hermione, as well. I actually think this one guy that I used to like and I are pretty much exactly like Ron and Hermione because one time, he was even like, “Jess, you’re a girl!” Yeah, I don’t know why I liked him either.
5. Books and cleverness ain’t all that.
Hermione, the smartest witch in her class, admits that there are more important things in the world than being super book smart. Thank god, right? I have a short attention span, so I was always an average student with a big heart and a natural ability to spell. You know what I got, though? Friendship and bravery. Basically, I’m trying to tell you guys that I am Harry Potter.
6. Don’t judge a book by its greasy hair.
Severus Snape, spoiler alert, was greatly misunderstood throughout the entire book series, and it was in book one that he is introduced as a discriminatory, biased tormentor of Gryffindors and all those associated with Harry Potter. Without saying too much, even though I am one hundred percent judging you if you have not yet read Deathly Hallows, there is more to Severus Snape than his browbeatin’ behavior.
7. Love is all we need.
A lesson taught often in every book and movie and song you may have ever heard, but within Harry Potter, love literally saves lives. If Harry’s mom had been indifferent toward her mussy haired lil’ tot, avada kedavra would have knocked him down and out like it should have. “To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.” A calming thought to us all, I’m sure.
8. Human beings suck at doing the right thing.
“As much money and life as you could want! The two things most human beings would choose above all – the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them.”
I have that knack! Color me human! I like a challenge I guess, which is why I date men-children and prefer tequila to all other liquors. I’m not really interested in living forever though, unless I live forever on the arm of Jonathan Jackson. Come on, let me love you just a little bit, Jesse Tuck.
9. Stand up to your friends.
Every single Harry Potter book makes me cry, every single time I read and re-read them. I don’t know–my emotional imbalance responds really strongly to wizards, apparently. The end of Sorcerer’s Stone, when Dumbledore awards points to Neville Longbottom for standing up to his friends (“It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends“) gets me every time, book or movie. In fact, I’m tearing up right now. You go Neville Longbottom! I knew he’d be an important stud muffin due to his courage when he was only an eleven year old forgetful soul.
10. It does not do to dwell and dreams and forget to live.
I often think I should tattoo this on my forehead to remind myself every morning. It is, quite possibly, the truest statement I can muster up. Thank you, Dumbly.
For the record, I wanted to make one million Sorcerer’s Apprentice jokes, but I could never quite fit it in here. Nicolas Cage, you are my everything.