EINTKILFEverything I Need to Know, I Learned From ‘Happy Gilmore'Jessica Tholmer

Um, happy tax day, guys. Let’s get to it.

EINTKILF Happy Gilmore

1. Pay your taxes.
The whole reason Happy gets involved in the golf tournament is to save his grandmother’s house from being foreclosed due to her lack of attentiveness to her taxes. I mean, old women can probably get away with a lot of stuff, but unfortunately, not paying their taxes isn’t really on the list. So guys, pay your taxes. Pretty sure you have until midnight, right?

2. Old folks homes are terrible.

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Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps me go to sleep.
Nursing Home Jerk: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep! Or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You’re in MY world now, Grandma!

And/or Ben Stiller really is a jerk. Remember that episode of Friends?

3. Controlling your anger is a good idea.
Sure, Happy learns to channel his anger into being really great at sports, but at the same time, all of the references to his past behaviors of losing his cool and stuff is kind of scary.

Happy: During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.

So just…try not to do that.

4. Bob Barker has it going on.
It is pretty funny whenever I ask anyone if they have seen Happy Gilmore and whether they have or have not, they always mention Bob Barker.

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Also, no, I don’t really make a habit out of asking people if they have seen Happy Gilmore.

5. How to rhyme.

Shooter: Just stay out of my way… or you’ll pay! Listen to what I say!
Happy: Hey, why don’t I just go eat some hay, make things out of clay, lay by the bay? I just may! What’d ya say?

Can we talk about how Shooter McGavin is the worst? I feel like the only man alive who could make me side with Adam Sandler is Christopher McDonald.

6. That Carl Weathers is the greatest man potentially ever.
Chubbs, may he rest in peace, is Happy’s mentor, and even posthumously helps him win the championship, or whatever happens at the end of this movie. (Have I EVER made it to the end of this movie? Most likely, but it has been like 20 years.) But for reals, Weathers is a bad-mother-shut-your-mouth. My mom met him once, and that would be a really cool story, except she has met like every famous person ever, including, but not limited to: Eddie Murphy, Bono, The Boss, and once she saw Muhammad Ali at a bus stop. I mean, I think she was probably at the bus stop, not him.

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Happy: You’re pretty sick, Chubbs.

Also, Weathers is the best character in the original Predator. I mean, besides Mac, may he RIP.

7. “Golf’s no different from hockey.
It requires talent and self discipline.” –Happy

I extra love this quote because really, no sport is any different from any sport to me. They all involve seemingly tense men taking their anger out on balls of various sizes.

I have a soccer soft spot, and I like a good ol’ fashioned baseball game because I’m an American. But that’s it. Golf is too quiet for me, basketball too boring, football too aggressive. I’m putting myself to sleep even thinking about sports, so let’s move on.

8. Alligators are scary.

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Poor Chubbs lost his hand to an alligator, clearly channeling his inner Captain Hook.
Basically, every movie I watched as a kid prepared me to be terrified of alligators. And crocodiles, because AS IF I know the difference.

9. Adam Sandler is REALLY obnoxious, but kind of endearing.
I have the weirdest lovehate connection with Sandler, but man…I cannot believe I am sitting here as a 25 year old woman, kind of endeared to him. I guess it is like that annoying neighbor you grew up with that you eventually end up kind of liking just because he/she has always been around. But why does he scream so much? Speaking of mean Ben Stiller, it’s like jeez, Adam! Stop yelling! But man, it is kind of cute.

I hate myself.

10. Friends don’t listen to “Endless Love” in the dark.

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Virginia: I thought we were just going to be friends.
Happy: What? Friends listen to “Endless Love” in the dark.

I know I exaggerate quite often, but this is probably my favorite quote in any movie ever. Because? I love the song “Endless Love,” I love that part in Friendswhen Phoebe and Chandler sing it together, and most of all, I love the concept of knowing what differentiates “just friends” from “definitely trying to holler.”

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And I love that my generation seems to really know this scene, so I can reference it as a subtle way of being like…I don’t want to be your friend. And if someone doesn’t pick up on my game, I totally don’t want to kiss them in a dark ice-skating rink anyway.

Ben Stiller image via slapcaption, Bob Barker image via IMDB, Chubbs image via theinsanityreport, Endless Love kiss via popscreen, Phoebe and Chandler image via fanforum.com.

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  1. Soooo many great things about this post!

  2. I love this movie. have forever. Can we talk about how Julie Bowen looks INSANELY different in this movie verus Modern Family? That could be a whole post in its own.