Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From DJ Tanner

I never had a sister, and I wanted one so very much when I was wee. When my youngest brother (of three brothers total) was born, I cried because he was, alas, a boy. It was my destiny to be surrounded by sniveling, hilarious men for the rest of my life. My theme song should seriously be Katy Perry’s ‘One of the Boys’. That being said, I had to find big sisters in fictional television shows instead. DJ Tanner wins—she was the big sister I always wanted and never had.

I have a friend now that is kind of like a big sister to me, but she’s nothing like DJ Tanner. She’s a way bigger bully.

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from DJ Tanner

1.       Aunts are the best.
The relationship between DJ and Aunt Becky was the second cutest only because I have a creepy obsession with Jesse and Michelle’s relationship.  DJ was always missing something due to her mother’s untimely passing, so when Jesse started dating Danny’s hottie Wake Up, San Francisco! co-star, DJ got the maternal/big sister role model she always craved. If only all aunts were this cool.

2.       Don’t dress like your teacher.
Until college, I never had a teacher I would have ever wanted to dress like, but DJ made this fatal mistake on her first day of middle school, nonetheless! She spent her lunch break eating in a telephone booth because she was having such a bad day. My question is: how in the world did both DJ and her super nerdy teacher find that outfit appealing?

3.       Blondes don’t suck.
You know what’s unfair? How often brunettes, redheads and blondes are set up against each other. I will fully admit that I give in and talk mad smack about blonde women like it is my job. I need to stop that behavior immediately, because you know who I had pictures of in my room when I was a kid? Not JTT or a New Kids on the Block guy, but Donna Jo Tanner. She is like… the prettiest girl ever. (Especially now.)

Plus, my mom is blonde.

4.       Don’t fall asleep at your boyfriend’s house.
Boys didn’t realize what a fox I was until college, so I never, ever had this problem, though I admittedly always wanted it. I fell asleep at a boy’s house once in high school, but no one cared because he was a family friend and it was a very nonthreatening situation and I slept on the couch with his cat. So, anyway, Danny gets totally mad and comes to break into Steve’s house or something and then DJ and Danny have this, “Oh, my little girl is growing up so fast” conversation, which is super touching. (Oh yeah, I cry at almost every episode of Full House, because I’m a big, big freak.) I’m pretty sure Deej gets grounded for her recklessness, but I’m sure she got treated to ice cream, as well.

5.       Don’t let your friends drive drunk.
I got nothin’ funny to say about this one. The mother in Full House passed away because of an accident caused by a drunk driver, and she is referenced numerous times throughout the series. She sounded like a great, fictional person, but to be real, drunk driving isn’t funny. The episode where Kimmie gets drunk and tries to drive home and DJ stops her and then they have a super emotional conversation about it the next day is one of my favorite episodes. Bawl City.

6.       When your boyfriend is a Disney voice actor, you will see him everywhere at Disneyland.
This means that if your boyfriend is a server, you will see him at every restaurant. If your boyfriend is a Starbucks barista, you will see him at every Starbucks you go into. If your boyfriend is President of the United States of America, I wonder how he got elected, because I’m pretty sure the nation would never vote for a bachelor.

Keep up, guys. STEVE IS ALADDIN.

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