EINTKILFEverything I Need to Know, I Learned From ‘Clueless'Jessica Tholmer

Besides DJ Tanner, when I was a child, the prettiest woman in the world to me was Alicia Silverstone. Not only did I love Clueless, but I loved Aerosmith, and she was in, like, ALL of their videos. (Puh-lease don’t fact check me, because she quite possibly could have only been in one video.) Clueless is most def one of those movies that is way funnier when you get older, but you know what, I was an incredibly mature kid who just thought Dionne was really pretty, so I still enjoyed watching it. Without further ado:


1. “You divorce wives, not children.”
I must admit, and it is a total ’90s movie thing (which is my whole world, basically), that I love Cher’s dad because he is a total grumpy old man who has a heart of something more expensive than gold. He tells Cher, after defending why Josh still comes to the house, that children are way more important than wives, more or less. I have to say, I totally agree, because, you know…bros before yadda yadda yadda. It is like that stupid saying, but way more impactful.

2. How to form friendships.
Cher and Dionne are the best of friends, but when I was younger, I did not realize they were only 15 and/or 16 years old. I mean, let’s be real – everyone is best friends when they are that young. I had, like, five best friends, and I only still talk to two of them. However, Cher says something that always stuck with me: “She’s my friend because we both know what it’s like to have people be jealous of us.” I never made a friend like that, and at now 25 years old, maybe I should.

3. High school boys are like dogs.
Cher doesn’t date boys in high school, which she claims is a choice everybody has to make. She thinks high school boys are not worth her time, and funny thing–she is so right. Though I was in love with one boy throughout high school, he was not in high school, so I always empathize with Cher on this subject. However, I have done a ripe job of wasting my time with boys that act like they are still in high school since I’ve been in my 20s. BLAH BLAH BLAH I feel like all of my “boys will be boys” jokes are getting old, but I can’t help it! I spit the truth!

4. Kenny G is uncool…not.
I side with Josh on this: whatever! Kenny G is so cool. What the hell is Christmas without him? Story: Kenny G and I are both from Seattle and we are both Starbucks shareholders (am I allowed to tell you that?) and I also work for Starbucks, so I usually attend the annual shareholder event. This past year, I saw him there and he actually smiled at me. I had to refrain myself from A) hugging him or B) scrunching his beautiful curls and asking him what product he uses. We have so much in common; I just think we could be great friends.

5. Two permits do not equal a license.
Cher and Dionne are the worst drivers ever. Who is actually that bad, licensed driver or not? To be fair, I pulled a Dionne the first time I drove on the freeway in class. (Except for the making out with the passenger part.) Holy moly, how scary!

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  1. 11) old people can be so sweet. 12) Avoid coffee if you want to be as tall as Cindy Crawford.

  2. Def in my top 5 of my favorite movie (for girls) especially as it is a modern adaptation of a Jane Austen’s novel, Emma.. and I’m a big fan of Jane Austen’s books so…
    Every steps she’s talking about to get Christian were like my bible for sooo long.. not sure it works but at least i felt less alone. So thanks Cher for everything you taught us!

  3. J’Adore Paul Rudd!!!! Great Article!

  4. Love, love, love this! I know this film back to front and think that my friends and I watched it pretty much every other day in the summer holidays when we were about 13 reciting it word for word as we watched! I remember coveting Cher’s closet, singing out loud to the brilliant soundtrack and singing even louder when Tai sings the Mentos jingle! So many favourite quotes especially from gym class and the class debate!

  5. I was scared for a moment there that this list wasn’t going to include a “Paul Rudd is the greatest ever” approximation. Then there it was right at the end. Whew – relief!

  6. Ugh, she’s a full on Monet!

  7. well aren’t you a ‘Betty?!’ Great article :)

  8. This is embarrassing to admit, but Clueless helped me with a pop quiz on Hamlet. I hadn’t read any of it, and there was a question that asked, ‘Which character said, “To thine own self, be true.”?’ and it was the only one I got right because I knew (thanks to Cher!) that it was ‘that Polonius guy’.

  9. Re-downloading Clueless now. Well done Jess, there are probably dozens of girls in their twenties glued to their tellies/computer screens now!

  10. When you find out what Kenny G uses in his hair, please let all us curly-haired girls in on the secret!

  11. your writing is the bomb, sister.

  12. also dont smoke weed everyday only at parties

  13. i still listen to sthe soundtrack…NOTHING gets me moving like “Kids in America”

  14. Clueless is the one of my favorite movies!

  15. You make me wanna watch Clueless again.

  16. I love this!! :) I love all of your EINTKILF posts, but especially this one because I love Clueless. I loved it when i was younger but it does get much better as you get older. Also Paul Rudd is so gorgeous! :)

  17. Coffee stunts your growth…especially if you want to be 5’10 like Cindy Crawford…I think that should have made the list :)

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  19. ah clueless… my go to fave veg out movie, that I have bestowed upon my niece, and we totally have clueless sleepovers where we watch/quote the entire movie. and not sporadically.

  20. YES to all of that. ^_^

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