Trust that I really, really, really wanted to write an EINTKILF on the DNC, but I did not want to get too controversial. Plus, I like you guys to have an air of mystery when it comes to Jess Tholmer. Who is she, really? I wonder who she will vote for for President? (JUST KIDDING–I BLEED BLUE AND IT IS NOT A SECRET.) Anyway, just hope you are keeping up with the election, that’s all.

There is a real swell gal that suggested my girl Erin and I both write on the movie Bring it On. I was thinking about it and realized I had not actually seen Bring it On since it first came out, which was apparently in THE YEAR 2000?! I was amused, shocked, offended and entertained, as I hope you all will be too.

EINTKILF Bring it On

1. No macking in front of the parentals.
Did we really say “parentals” in 2000? I know I am stuck in a time warp, but it does not feel like the year 2000 was that long ago, and I definitely never said parentals. Granted, nobody tried to mack on me until the year 2004 and then not again until 2008, but this is beside the point. Torrance’s jerkoff boyfriend will not kiss her in front of her parents, which the viewers are clearly supposed to believe makes him “not-that-into-her,” but I actually think it is a pretty respectful rule.

2. Loser sneeze is dead.
So, the new kid in town, Jesse Bradford aka Cliff “Pant-one” (reminds me of how people used to call Joey Fatone, “fat one”) comes to his first day of high school and all the popular boys call him a loser. He, clearly too cool for everyone in the room with his The Clash shirt and mussed up bed head, shuts down their insults by telling them that he has lived in every state in the whole world apparently, and no one does “the loser sneeze” anymore. And this is how he catches Torrance’s eye–ooh, a man that will shut down the loser sneeze! But for real, did you guys go to a high school like this? Everyone in my high school was so nice. We loved new kids!
 PS JESSE, WHERE YOU AT, BOY?

3. The last person to audition will always win the part.
You know, audition montages are my second favorite montages (first is makeovers, duh), but do you realize that the last person always wins? I know why it is–dramatic effect, comedy, etc. We get to see all the bad/funny/lackluster cheers before Missy Pant-one (yes, the probably twin sister of the new hottie in town) comes in and kills it. Bam! She knows all kinds of backflips, but she also has a bad attitude and kind-of dreadlocks? She does not even want to be a cheerleader, but there is no gymnastic team and she has to get her flips out somewhere! What’s a girl to do? Despite some controversy with the more cliche bimbo cheerleaders on the team, Torrance pulls the “team captain” card and gives her the position.

4. Don’t count the BAMF out.
I just learned what BAMF met–I used to think it was some variation of MILF–so forgive me for overusing it here. Torrance so wisely tells her team not to “reject the unfamiliar”–or does she say it to Missy? Regardless, it works for both the team and for the new girl, and for us all. You guys, just because something is new and different does not make it wrong, or bad, or scary. Just because Missy has brown hair and loves to flip the bird does not mean she cannot CHEER. READY, OKAY!

5. Don’t steal, ya’ll.
So, Missy loves getting pissed and storming off and then coming back to a seemingly better situation (another lesson: walk away, people will follow you!). Missy, upon seeing Torrance lead the first cheer, bails on the team meeting (again!) so Torrance chases her down to figure out what her freakin’ problem is. Missy drives them to East Compton and proves that the Tauruses or whatever have been stealing all of their cheers from a super innovative and sassy team from the other side of the tracks. Who cares if we steal East Compton’s cheers? Those poor Black girls could never afford to make it to the Nationals!
 Okay. Here is where I get a little offended. I like that the movie ends all “we do not need your charity, we will get there on pure talent and we will win, and then we will kiss and make up because captains understand each other,” but I also hate that it had to be a black versus white issue. I know, I know, it was supposed to help, and I probably would have been just as irritated if there were tons of white people on the “East Compton” team, but it still kind of rubs me the wrong way. That all being said, I think they did a pretty good job not giving in to all of the racial stereotypes possible, though one of the girls on East Compton’s team was channeling her inner Left Eye bad, and the rich white girls were all bimbos with no morals except for Torrance, so. I guess those are huge stereotypes, but, eh. I can’t save the world by picking on pre-9/11 filmography. Or can I…?

6. Never unplug your little brother’s videogame.
Torrance and her little brother pretty much hate each other in the most stereotypical “older sister/younger brother” storyline of all-time. They failed to represent the 2000s here, they act more like a 1980s sitcom, but that is beside the point. Everyone fights with their younger sib. You know what I learned not from this movie, though this scene reinforces the point? I got really, really, really mad at my brother once and unplugged the videogame console before he had saved. I did it on purpose. I never did it again. I will not go into the gruesome details, but I cannot believe he didn’t kill me.

Or maybe he did, and I’ve been ghostin’ all these years. The point is, Torrance freaks out and steals the controller from her little brother who is playing the original Playstation (holllllllllllllllllla). He just calls her a bitch, but I am sure behind-the-scenes, he pulled her hair out until she gave him the controller back. Just never mess with a man’s game, that is my advice.

7. STOP USING GAY SLURS.
I was most shocked while watching the movie at the casual use of the words “fag” and “dike,” and even “whore.” I know the movie is twelve years old. I know that, but I am disappointed in this high school movie for not recognizing the inappropriateness and insensitivity behind these words. I know only lately have we started to truly crack down on homosexual equality, but it is still disappointing to see the words thrown out there without any recognition to “Right v. Wrong.” I mean, Mean Girls came out only four years later and every “mean girl” thing the “mean girls” say is clearly, well, mean. The things the kids say in Bring it On are not coming from the “mean” kids, they are coming every which way: from the cool kids, from the football jerks, from the cheerleaders calling each other whores. Ahh, it hurts my politically-correct-human-being-loving soul.

How could I ever compare anything to Mean Girls, though? It is not just a high school movie, it is a way of life and Tina Fey is a super genius who has a way of making us laugh while teaching us lessons. No offense to Jessica Bendinger (the writer), but she entertains without teaching. That’s okay, some people cannot multitask.

8. How to break up.
“You’re a great cheerleader, Tor, and you’re cute as hell. Maybe you’re just not “captain” material.” Aaron
“You’re a great cheerleader, Aaron, it’s just that…maybe you’re not exactly “boyfriend material. Buh-bye.” Torrance

Best way to break up? Quote the stupid jerk back to him/herself. I sure hope I can use this knowledge one day! (I am not really the breakupper, though. Much more often the breakupee.)

Another good lesson: never, ever date someone that does not support you. That’s just the shittiest thing humans do to each other, and your significant other should most definitely support you in all endeavors.

9. Imitation? Not always the sincerest form of flattery.
Or, you know, credit your sources. Stop taking others’ ideas. Be your own precious little flower. Sing your own songs. Write your own poems. Make your own jokes, or at least retweet them so we can laugh with the right person.

10. Karma is real.
I believe in karma IRL, but this movie also proves it to be true, like how the Tauruses steal and then don’t win. Just do the right thing, guys, and the right thing will do you.

“Do the right thing, like Spike Lee.” Dem Franchise Boyz
(Me, giving credit.)