EINTKILF Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From Bridesmaids Jessica Tholmer

Sup, guys?

Every great once in awhile, a comedy is recognized by the Academy and everyone is so excited about it, because who says comedy isn’t important? Maybe I am biased because I am a funny girl (not like haha funny, more like questionable-life-choices-funny), but I happen to think comedy is extremely important. Just because comedy invokes a different emotion out of a human being–laughter instead of tears–does not mean it does not make you feel. Comedy is comforting, appreciated, vast in its realm. Listen up tiny Gold Men, we love comedy, too!

Moonrise Kingdom snubs, I wish I knew how to quit you.

That all being said, last year Bridesmaids, that glorious movie written by Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo, was nominated for Best Original Screenplay. This was a huge deal not just because it is a comedy–straight up slapstick comedy–but because it was written by women! And as we all know, or should all know, women go unrecognized far too often by the Academy. (AND BY EVERYONE, ALL THE TIME.) This opens the soapbox question of, “OH, WOMEN CAN BE FUNNY?” which is the stupidest, most offensive, most uninteresting question of all-time, so. I digress before I even begin.

Continuing my Academy season posts, I present to you:

EINTKILF Bridesmaids

1. Men that won’t call themselves your boyfriend are bad dudes.
…even if they look like Jon Hamm. 

Alright, I have definitely dated a few dudes that didn’t want the title or the label of being Jess’ Boyfriend (I know, who are these people? I’m super hot, and funny. And modest!) but I stuck around with them anyway. There is something creepily appealing about not having a label because it makes your love unique, like, “Nah, we don’t have to call each other what society wants us to call each other because we are so much better than conforming to societal standards.” But turns out, it also makes it easy for him to cheat on you without considering it cheating, so all in all not the best idea.

Annie sort of dates this guy played by Hamm who is a total jerk, and it is really funny, but also just really sad if you have ever been in that situation yourself.

bridesmaids ted and annie

“I wouldn’t want to make you explain what our relationship is to all those people. That would suck for you.”

2. Never live with siblings.
Poor Annie’s roommate is some random bald British dude who has an extremely grotesque sister who has moved in against her will. At first introduction of Brynn, she shows Annie the tattoo she just got on her back from a dude in a van for free.

” It’s a Mexican drinking worm. It’s like a Native American symbol meaning wasted.”

Eventually, Brynn and her brother Gil decide to invite Annie to no longer live with them and Annie moves in with her mother.

Poor hot mess Annie. Siblings are just a different breed of relationship, and you should avoid getting involved with them, IMO.

3. How to give an engagement toast.
At Lillian’s engagement party, Annie, as the maid of honor, is required to give the soon-to-be-married couple a toast. Like a normal person, Annie starts the speech out simply, but when Helen, Lillian’s new friend, and one of her bridesmaids, totally trumps Annie’s speech. Annie, already threatened by the pretentiousness (and beauty) of Helen, not to mention her own strange feelings about her best friend getting married, continues to trump her speech, and the two make fools of themselves.

My favorite part is when they sing together because Lillian’s face just kills me.

I don’t know if I should tell you guys now or later that of all the cinematic characters in the history of film, I have been most compared to Annie from Bridesmaids. I wish I had kept track, but I can think of five different times, at least, so. Take that as you will. Maybe I’m a hot mess, guys. MAYBE I AM, SO WHAT?

4. Not all cops are jerks.
Annie gets pulled over driving from Lillian’s engagement party because her tail light is out. Luckily, she is sober, but still has to get out of the car and “walk a straight line” kind of a thing. Officer Rhodes happens to be a freakin’ hottie with an adorable accent, and Annie charms him into not giving her a ticket.

They, of course, end up dating by the end of the movie, so hopefully I am just like Annie, because I would love to date a man with an accent. Not a cop, though. Maybe just a…hot man in any other profession.

5. Coach and first class should be equal.

bridesmaids-plane

“It’s called ‘civil rights.’ This is the 90s.”

6. Men can be flight attendants, too.
Um, sorry guys, but this is like the funniest scene in any movie ever, so I am pulling two lessons from it.

Annie: What kind of a name is ‘Stove’ anyway? What, are you like a kitchen appliance or something?
Steve: No. My name is Steve and I’m a man.
Annie: You are a flight attendant.
Steve: You are…absolutely accurate.

I have a dear friend with a boyfriend named Steven. Poor Steven is basically only referred to as “Stove,” as are all Stevens in the world to me from here on out. It’s like the name Alan. Totally ruined for me.

7. You can be your own problem.
And you can be your own solution.

You know…this is actually really good advice that I should probably heed. The next time I have one too many glasses of wine and I text message my crazy insecurities to one of the loves of my life while I am consoling the other love of my life, I should remember that I do all of this to myself, yet I have the audacity to complain about it still.

Is 25 too old to grow up? Did I miss the boat?

8. How to get pulled over.
Lillian goes “missing” the morning of her wedding, so Helen comes to Annie’s apartment crying and begging her for her assistance in finding her best friend. Though Annie had previously disassociated with any of the wedding festivities after an outburst at the bridal shower resulting in her breaking a giant cookie, she still comes to Helen’s aid. Rhodes and Annie, at this point, are not necessarily on speaking terms since she kind of blew him off (because girls like Annie myself mistreat the good guys that actually treat them well), so to get his attention, Annie breaks a bunch of driving laws and eventually gets him to pull her over.

Her gangsta rap face is my joy, my one joy in life.

9. Weddings bring out the worst in people.
Let’s just call it like it is: weddings are one of the absolute worst social events. Sure, we all have a great time at the actual wedding, but the planning and thousands of tiny gatherings leading up to the Big Day are just horrendous. I would rather go to the dentist than be involved in someone else’s wedding. It is a good thing I do not want to get married, huh? (I change my mind every year, so 2013 is the year of anti-marriage. Don’t quote me.)

My best best friend in the history of time got engaged last week. If we were still as close as we were before, I could only imagine her wedding going down similarly to Lillian’s–if I am Annie now, it is nothing compared to how Annie I could get as the maid-of-honor in a wedding before I am even in a relationship of my own. Luckily, I guess, we are not close friends anymore, so my meltdown looked slightly different from Annie’s gradual entrance into crazytown.

But, you know…I have plenty of unmarried girlfriends, and quite a few years left of freaking out about dying alone, so. I will keep you guys posted.

10. Best friends are really the best.

annieliliian

The way Annie is the only person to coax Lillian out of her bed on her wedding day is so touching.

And the gift Annie gives to Lillian at her bridal shower is the best, even if it is not a trip to Paris.

And the way Annie and Lillian sing along to “Hold On” at the end of the movie is the best.

And the way Helen knows that she can never be Annie to Lillian is the best.

And man, guys, best friends are just that.

Go hug your best right now, I am getting all sappy here and I promised I would not cornball it up after last week.

Featured image via youaphotography.com, Ted and Annie image via blog.lib.umn.eduAnnie on the plane image via resepilates.com

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  1. We both have the same favorite scenes and lines. Drunk Annie in the plane was so hilarious, “What kind of a name is ‘Stove’ anyway? What, are you like a kitchen appliance or something?” is the best line evaaaar. The scene at the cafe just showed how best friends should talk to each other. No judgements, and just plain support. A scene that I’ll always remember. Their acting was flawless!

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