EINTKILFEverything I Need to Know, I Learned From 2012Jessica Tholmer

Happy New Year’s Eve, errybody! Can you even believe this is the last day of the year? I hope you celebrate really well tonight since we are not even supposed to be here right now… or something. Do you guys remember the Y2K scare? It was the biggest deal ever (especially to a super gullible 12 year old girl who claimed that she wanted to die inside of her I Love Lucy memorabilia closet) until nothing happened at the stroke of midnight and now we are all, “nah, we didn’t really think the world was going to end, obviously,” which is just not true because there were plenty of people who believed it was going to happen. I stockpiled water for weeks before the year 2000 hit because, for whatever reason, I thought I would need access to water when all of the computers reset? Why was that supposed to harm us in anyway? Actually nowadays, if anything happened to all of our smartphones, iPads, laptops, etcetera all at once, I truly believe our country would freak our freak.

I am taking a break from a television show, book, album or even movie, though I was tempted to write about John Cusack‘s atrocity 2012–to talk about real life.

What did you guys learn from this year?

We are new everyday, my angels. Thank you for reading my words so emphatically in 2012. I am so happy the world didn’t end so EINTKILF can enter its second year. <3

EINTKILF the year 2012

1. Don’t believe everything you hear.
(Did it really take me until the end of 2012 to learn this? Yes, and five bucks says I will believe everything I hear next year, as well.)

Things we heard that were not true in 2012: the world is going to end.

2. Hope floats.
Any presidential election year usually goes by in a flurry of heated political statements, arguments heightened by tension, voters’ guilt one way or the other, research, debates, controversy, concessions (no, not like popcorn and soda) and celebrations. I, for one, love election years, but I understand that by the end, we are all exhausted.

This year, as you may have heard, I was pretty nervous about Barack Obama losing to his opponent Mittens Romney. I miss election jokes by this time of the year, I miss Paul Ryan (no, I actually don’t), but I will relish in the hope I had for President O, the hope I have for him still. I was reminded of my 2008 self, and for that, I was grateful.

3. Your hair is your business.
No, I did not learn this this year, but it was nice to hear people speaking out about hair, especially Black hair. It all started with Gabby Douglas, the only athlete I can name from the Olympics this year.

The other night, two of my girlfriends and I were out to dinner and for whatever reason, my friend Heather decided we should see how many sports people we can name. “Sports people.” I should not admit this publicly, but I named one person from my hometown baseball team (the Seattle Mariners! Sodo Mojo!), two basketball dudes and a football player, and only because Kanye West and Jay-Z rap about Dwayne Wade, Lebron James and Kobe Bryant kind of a lot. One of my girlfriends who actually knows stuff offered up, “well, why don’t we name Olympic athletes?” I quickly shouted Gabby Douglas! and Heather said, “Ryan Lochte,” to which I replied, “He’s an Olympic athlete? I thought he was just friends with Prince Harry.”

So that’s what I know about sports, but I know about hair, okay? When people started talking smack about Miss Douglas’ au natural hairstyle while she was doing flips and other things you cannot do, I got pretty mad. There is nothing cooler than a chick that will rock her natural look, though I fully admit to straightening my curls half the time. I just like to mix it up. Admiring women like Beyoncé and Rihanna has me shook, and if I stick to one look for too long, I get bored of myself.

Gabby, you go girl.

Willow Smith, coolest little girl alive, also came under some controversy for dying her hair, cutting it into a mohawk, shaving her head and just all around being too original for America.

Her mom defended her, because Jada, duh.

Other cool hair this year: Anne Hathaway’s incredible pixie (which came from cutting her hair off for Les Mis), Miley Cyrus, who also cut all her hair off and dyed it platinum (go Miley), the Biebs’ pompadour, Lea Michele’s ombre.

4. Even divas die.
This year was rough for loss, as I believe I say every year. Besides losing Etta James, Andy Williams, Neil Armstrong, Phyllis Diller, Sally Ride, Maurice Sendak, Andy Griffith, Ray Bradbury, Michael Clarke Duncan, Dick Clark, Nora Ephron and Donna Summer, we lost Whitney.

Rest in peace, you troubled soul. Your voice resounds with us now and for always.

5. Dance crazes are still a thing.
Have you watched the video for “Gangnam Style” yet? If you have not, you are one of apparently very few because Park Jae-sang’s (aka Psy!) horribly stuck-in-your-head-forever-and-ever-and-ever song and dance routine hit a billion views, a YouTube first, this year. I have not seen a dance catch on like this since the Macarena, obvs, and before that, what was it? Electric Slide or something? Am I missing one? I am not counting the Soulja Boy.

I think it is kind of cute when an entire world knows the same song and dance. Thanks for the unity Psy, you adorable dude. Weddings are grateful for you, I am sure of it.

6. Some people still use the phone.
When the song “Payphone” by Maroon 5 came out and became way popular (likely because Adam Levine is incredibly sexy), I kept thinking, who the hell even knows where a payphone is anywhere? Why would you sing a song about a payphone in 2012? I’m not even mad, bro, just wondering if kids these days even know what the concept of paying real life change to make a phone call is? Do kids even know what a phone call is?

Which leads me to the next popular song.

“Call Me Maybe” blew the eff up this year, you guys. I do not recall a single song being this popular in ever. The spoofs were out of control, even Cookie Monster covered it, to his own lyrics, naturally. Carly Rae Jepsen bopped her ways into our hearts and minds with her catchy tune about a boy calling her, even though she just met him. I wasn’t looking for this, but then she was in my way. Her stare was holding, her ripped jeans, skin was showing. Wait, I’m offtrack.

Before she came into my life, I missed her so bad. I missed her so bad. I missed her so, so bad. Oh CRJ, I know I just met you, and this is crazy, but my twitter handle is @tholmz, so tweet me maybe? because I am 25 years old and I actually do not use my phone as a phone, um, ever.

I legit still love this song, and is that okay?

7. True love doesn’t always last.
Breakups are usually plentiful throughout a year. Beside my own (thank you Jesus for getting me out of that dementor-full soul suck of a lovefest), we had all of the following.

A moment of silence for the couples that parted this year, some much, much better than others:

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (run, Katie, run!), Heidi Klum and Seal, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis, the Biebster and Miss Selena Gomez, Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson.

Also, your childhood loves will leave you, eventually.

Rest in peace Justin Timberlake’s bachelorhood.

I still got Leo DiCaps. He will never be with me because I am not a leggy blonde Victoria’s Secret model, nor could I be airbrushed to even look like a leggy blonde Victoria’s Secret model, but at least he’s still un-married!

8. The dead can come back to life.
You know in Aladdin when the Genie is telling “Al, or maybe just Din? Or how ’bout Laddie?” the three rules about wishes he cannot / will not grant? One of them is no bringing people back from the dead, probably cause it gets messy like in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when that brother who brings back his dead wife ends up killing himself because she is super depressed the whole time and ends up dying again anyway. When people pass away, they are supposed to pass away.

Wow, that got depressing.

But then they made holograms! And all of a sudden, Tupac Shakur is up on stage performing with Snoop Dogg again and his opening “Hail Mary” bars gave me chills like he was alive and well.

I feel very weird about the hologram thing, even if it was nice to see Pac again.

9. You can trademark your kids! 
I do not know if I knew this previously, but I certainly never would have thought about it as thoroughly if Beyoncé and Jay-Z had not trademarked their baby girl‘s name. That’s right, folks. You cannot name anything “Blue Ivy,” for that is the name of Baby Carter and she will certainly be a BFD one day, maybe more so than she already is.

Congrats to the Carters, once more. She is an angel and this is my favorite picture of the year, probably.

10. Childhood can always make a comeback.
The amount of childhood nostalgia that was in the news this year seemed overwhelming, if I remember correctly. Sesame Street was a hot topic in 2012-what with the Kevin Clash sex scandals, the defense of Big Bird, et al because of Romney’s plan to cut funding from PBS. Hostess announced its bankruptcy and inevitable closure (and I lived off of ding dongs and ho hos as a kid), the Boy Meets World spin-off came into creation and even that creepy doll the Furby is/are back?!

And most, most importantly, we leaned on Mr. Rogers’ words multiple times throughout the year, first during the election season when the video of his defense of his program and of his network began popping up on facebook walls everywhere, and next when this showed up all over the internet:

Accompanied by the sweetest, most true words we could ever need to hear after the horrific incident at Sandy Hook Elementary.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” Mr. Fred Rogers

I learned this year, though I hate to have to be reminded of it, that we should take absolutely nothing for granted. I know we held our children, our friends’ children, our brothers and sisters and parents closer to us after the shootings in Newport, Connecticut, but we should always do so. Let us always know what we have, know that we are lucky to have it, complain less, love more and remember the words of one Mr. Rogers. He was, and will always be, a very wise man.

To 2013, where we can expect just as much heartbreak and loss, just as many hilarious pop songs and fun hairstyles and blockbuster films. This is our world, my loves, let us relish in it. Thank you for being by my side as I am always on yours.

Happy New Year, it will be a lovely one.

Featured image via oxcgn.com

Additional images from here, here, here, here, here, and here

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  1. This was such a beautiful and funny post! I always love your articles, but this one was truly inspired. Thanks Jessica, and happy new year!