Everything I Do, I Do It For You…Unless You Marry Jessica Biel

And if that happens, we’re donezo….

Another one bites the dust. On the off chance you’ve been living in a fallout shelter, I’ve got some terrible news: Justin Timberlake is officially off the market. Shhhh, don’t cry, it’s going to be alright. He married Jessica Biel in a reported $6.5 million Italian destination wedding earlier this month, making him the latest in a long line of dreamy teen/heartthrob idols who are no longer in contention to sweep us common folk off our delusional feet. Life is one cruel mistress.

I know the sharp pain of reality all too well. I’ve been there. The year was 1993. The movie was Untamed Heart, and I instantly knew upon feasting my eyes on Christian Slater that this was true love – nay, this was something bigger than all of us. I should probably also mention that I was 11 at the time. Why concern yourself with reason or logic when Robin of Loxley’s illegitimate half-brother is like…whoa!

I’m not going to lie; to this day I still hold a candle for mi amore, even after all these years. He got me through some very tough adolescent times in dreary middle class Northern California-home to countless terrifying Abercrombie & Fitch gangs-thanks to cinematic escapes like Pump Up The Volume, Kuffs, and of course, Heathers. Which is why it was such a junk punch when he married the stunning and seemingly lovely Ryan Haddon in 2000. Where does that leave me, Christian? Where? Alone, and surrounded by way too much khaki.

What is it, exactly, that compels us to worship at the altar of certain people? These personalities who we, almost always, are the ones to put on a pedestal to begin with? Is it escapism? Longing for a seemingly better life? Or maybe it’s nostalgia because they remind us of a moment in time when we were carefree, helping us to forget the outside world in all its “cray cray” glory, even if only for a short while. Regardless, when our idols move on with their lives, unfortunately, we’re expected to do the same. The real difficulty lies in admitting we all have to leave Neverland at some point, with or without our super famous husband.

Fortunately, fate still can work in your favor from time to time. For instance, when you find yourself pulling into the valet of a Los Angeles hotel, only to realize the man getting out of the car in front of you is none other than your former “fiancé.” Somehow you manage to lock eyes for a brief moment as you’re both getting out of your vehicles, he flashes you that famous son-of-a-gun grin, gives you a quick head nod, then disappears into the night. And for a fleeting moment, the world makes sense again.

Image via Totally Awesome Teen Pinups And Magazines

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505631526 Liz Haebe

    It’s like you and I are the same person. I used to have posters of Christian Slater all over my room. Oh, I loved him so. And, I might’ve had a minor heartbreak when Justin married Jessica. I think, even as I continue to age (begrudgingly), I’ll always get a little misty-eyed thinking of what could’ve been with my famous boyfriends. I do, however, rest easy knowing that all of my *NSYNC money helped pay for some of that wedding. So, it was like I was there in spirit.

    • Caitlin Donovan

      I still have his YM cover somewhere…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=797855120 Luna Meschiari

    I was also 11 when I “fell in love” with Leonardo DiCaprio and what the hell, I still like him the same way 14 years after! Of course, I grew up, made my own life, have an amazing boyfriend and I have no more posters on my walls, no more teenager dreams… but oh my, I guess I’ll always believe that, someday, I might see him in person, and that day, I won’t be able to breathe. 😉

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000072075927 Kyisha Thompson

    My Christian Love started because my sister let me watch “Heathers” in her room when I was 10. It happened to coincide with the inception of my Keith Gordon infatuation; so when I happened upon “The Legend of Billie Jean”, I could’ve died happy. Luckily, I didn’t or I would’ve missed out on “The Name of the Rose”, which reintroduced me to Sean Connery (“Darby o’ Gill & the Little People” on Disney at St Patty’s when I was 8). Oh, lord… Does it make me a brazen hussy if I still love all of them?

    • Caitlin Donovan

      Who doesn’t love Sean Connery? Scottish brogues FTW!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=665760067 Ali Stangoe

    One day I will marry Indiana Jones. It will happen.

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