Everything I Do, I Do It For You…Unless You Marry Jessica Biel

And if that happens, we’re donezo….

Another one bites the dust. On the off chance you’ve been living in a fallout shelter, I’ve got some terrible news: Justin Timberlake is officially off the market. Shhhh, don’t cry, it’s going to be alright. He married Jessica Biel in a reported $6.5 million Italian destination wedding earlier this month, making him the latest in a long line of dreamy teen/heartthrob idols who are no longer in contention to sweep us common folk off our delusional feet. Life is one cruel mistress.

I know the sharp pain of reality all too well. I’ve been there. The year was 1993. The movie was Untamed Heart, and I instantly knew upon feasting my eyes on Christian Slater that this was true love – nay, this was something bigger than all of us. I should probably also mention that I was 11 at the time. Why concern yourself with reason or logic when Robin of Loxley’s illegitimate half-brother is like…whoa!

I’m not going to lie; to this day I still hold a candle for mi amore, even after all these years. He got me through some very tough adolescent times in dreary middle class Northern California-home to countless terrifying Abercrombie & Fitch gangs-thanks to cinematic escapes like Pump Up The Volume, Kuffs, and of course, Heathers. Which is why it was such a junk punch when he married the stunning and seemingly lovely Ryan Haddon in 2000. Where does that leave me, Christian? Where? Alone, and surrounded by way too much khaki.

What is it, exactly, that compels us to worship at the altar of certain people? These personalities who we, almost always, are the ones to put on a pedestal to begin with? Is it escapism? Longing for a seemingly better life? Or maybe it’s nostalgia because they remind us of a moment in time when we were carefree, helping us to forget the outside world in all its “cray cray” glory, even if only for a short while. Regardless, when our idols move on with their lives, unfortunately, we’re expected to do the same. The real difficulty lies in admitting we all have to leave Neverland at some point, with or without our super famous husband.

Fortunately, fate still can work in your favor from time to time. For instance, when you find yourself pulling into the valet of a Los Angeles hotel, only to realize the man getting out of the car in front of you is none other than your former “fiancé.” Somehow you manage to lock eyes for a brief moment as you’re both getting out of your vehicles, he flashes you that famous son-of-a-gun grin, gives you a quick head nod, then disappears into the night. And for a fleeting moment, the world makes sense again.

Image via Totally Awesome Teen Pinups And Magazines