I’m on the internet ALL THE TIME and my friend recently told me that putting your laptop on your stomach is bad for your ovaries and can cause infertility. I’m really scared because I hope to have kids someday! Is this true?
Dear Scrambled Eggs,
My first advice is to invest a desk like a dignified creature of the world. A woman has no business on her back unless she is repairing a car, painting a ceiling or sleeping. I always say that a woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water. The same goes for your egg cartons, darling. If your genes are good and strong like mine, they should be able to live through your computer overheating from late night cat videos and OkCupid messages and, hopefully, be able to one day be harvested by a solid suitor you find on this “internet”. If this is not the case, might I suggest using a typewriter for correspondence and adopting a talented young orphan to pass as your own.
I have a huge crush on a boy in my class but I don’t know if he likes me back! My friends say I should ask him out but he’s soo hot I blush every time I look at him and look like a complete fool! What should I do?
Dear Tomato Face,
I too felt inadequate as a youth when it came to appearances. I’ve learned that no matter how plain a woman can be, if truth and loyalty are stamped upon her face all will be attracted to her. I do hope you don’t take this literally, for ink on your face is just the dickens to wipe off. If your intentions are true, I see no reason for this young pip to not find you quite keen. Ask him to an eve of hot dogs and talkies and if he rejects there are always other days and other gents. I met my Frankie at a family reunion. Searching too hard is overrated.
I’m from a small town in the Midwest and live at home with my parents. I want to move to the city, but my parents can’t handle the idea of me being more than five miles away from them at all times. How do I break the news to them?
Dear Rural Hurl,
Who the devil are these parents of yours who can’t share their gift to the world? They sound like some real Republican squares. I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. (I say that because I assume your Midwestern town gets quite chilly.) Did you know that I have TWO brothers named Elliott? You cannot always trust your parents’ choices. Life is meant to be lived, Hurl! Put on your best frock, hold your chin high, and tell them your news with the spunk of a thousand suffragists on election day! Text me after your first 100 days with a progress report, bebe!
Need some advice, Eleanor Roosevelt style? Email firstname.lastname@example.org!