It’s that time of year again; the little Easter Bunny Chicken is up to his old tricks, leaving chocolates left, right and center – and even under, over, and down! The crack of all Easter chocolates is, of course, Mini Eggs. Who can resist that smooth, crunchy, colorful shell and that perfectly sweet, milk chocolate center? One tiny little egg is all it takes to get you hooked and have you believing that Mini Eggs are what Easter – and life – is all about.
Sure, most of us can pick up these tasty treats year round – and for that we are eternally grateful – but all of this Easter spirit makes us 100% more likely to inhale these little eggs at an alarming rate. Mini Egg binges can lead to sugar highs, sugar lows, chocolate-induced comas (more commonly known as cocoamas), melted chocolate in pockets, emptied bank accounts, lucid dreams, jaw pain, life reevaluation, and perhaps most unfairly, a hatred for real eggs. But no matter how you crack it, the fact is we are all going to indulge at an alarming rate, so here are some tips to avoid reaching critical level.
- Stagger your binges with orange juice. The citrus will make the Mini Eggs taste disgusting and will buy you some time. Want to amp up the resistance level? Go for a brushed teeth + orange juice + Mini Eggs combination. Truly haunting.
- Eat only certain colors at a time. It’s like a fun, torturous game! Will it be pink, yellow, white or blue? You’ll get your brain working and give your stomach a bit of recovery time before hitting it with more color-coded deliciousness.
- Get inspired by B.F. Skinner’s operant conditioning method and have someone violently whip Mini Eggs at you. Tell them not to hold back, and to aim for the sweet spots: gut, ribs, jugular. This will create a negative association with Mini Eggs and give you a chance at a normal life, or at the very least, a normal hour before you forgive the Mini Eggs by stuffing them in your mouth. Yay science!
- Go for a run…to the store for more Mini Eggs. We all know that once you finish the 5 pound bag, it’s time for lunch, so you might as well break up your Mini Egg meals with some exercise. *Bonus: This is the fastest you will ever run – a personal best, no doubt! It’s all about goal-setting.
- Pass your bag(s) of Mini Eggs onto a loved one and have them set up an Easter egg hunt for you. And I don’t just mean once, I mean whenever you want to eat the Mini Eggs – even if it’s well past Easter. This will not only test your body and mind, but it will also test your relationships. Hey, if your so called boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t willing to set up a daily Easter egg hunt for you, maybe they’re not ready for the realities of a serious relationship. Deal breaker!
- Stay focused and do not research ways to expand your Mini Eggs intake. So whatever you do, do not Google Mini Eggs recipes. Don’t look at how to make adorable nest cupcakes, or gooey, crunchy brownies, or sweet blondies, macaroons, cakes, cookies, rice crispy squares or snack mixes. There’s probably even a recipe out there for a Mini Egg milkshake, but don’t go looking for it.
- Every third purchase, mix it up and go for the Micro Mini Eggs. This actually probably won’t help at all, but it’s adorable! *Bonus: You can pretend to be a giant.
- Take a moment to step out of the wonderful amazing dream world that comes to be when you eat Mini Eggs by reconnecting with real eggs. Go to the fridge and take one out of the carton. Hold it, smell it, feel its stupid, boring, non-sugary shell. This is real life. It’s full of weird goop. And you need to face it…sometimes.
- Find a vegan. They stay away from milk chocolate AND eggs, so get ready for a lecture that’s sure to keep you occupied, because there’s nothing cute about your Mini Eggs addiction or your ignorance to animal welfare.
- Spend time with your peeps. No, I don’t mean your human friends, I mean your better, little sugary marshmallow friends: Marshmallow Peeps. I know it’s hard to believe, but Mini Eggs are not the only treats that make their glorious appearance around Easter time, so remember to expand your Easter tasting pallet and pick up a Peep, a cream egg, a chocolate bunny and even those little foil covered eggs. After all, Easter is about family, and sugar is your family now.