Gentlemen, if you are deep into your thirties or beyond, I’m going to assume the cement has been laid and the damage done. But if you are a young impressionable man on the quest to define your identity, then this is for you. Here are a couple of phrases that you might be dying to take out for a test drive, but I’d prefer you file under “Nah, that’s not for me.”
“NOT THAT I KNOW OF”
When asked if you have children, please do not respond with a “not that I know of”. As tempting as it is to want to brag about your unstoppable promiscuity… As desperately as you’d like us to imagine you recklessly spreading your seed to women young and old who are powerless to your irrepressible sexual prowess… I beg you to reconsider your response. A simple “no” or “not yet” will do.
THE STOP, STARE & “SORRY”
This is the classic mid-conversation pause, followed by checking out rump of girl who walks by, and then resuming the conversation with a winded, “Sorry”. Here’s the thing. We are all scoping each other out all the time—it’s fine. It may even be fair to say that men are more visually driven then women. I can cosign on that. But I am also well aware that I’ve been in conversations with plenty of men who’ve managed to discretely get their scope on without bringing it to my attention with a ticker tape parade. So if you’ve pulled this move on a girl, the reality is that you want us to know that you are all man. You believe the old “stop, stare and sorry” routine is proof positive that your testosterone levels are through the roof. For this reason, I keep a tightly sealed jar of baby pickles on my person at all times. Popping the lid in a twist or two is a much more practical way to show-off your masculinity. You’re welcome.
THE “BALL AND CHAIN” OR “MY OLD LADY”
There’s nothing more appealing than a man who loves his wife and doesn’t feel the need to flirt his face off all day long to prove to himself that he’s “still got it”. He sends a clear message to the world that he is happy. Not only is he happy, he’s smart. He’s smart because he has chosen wisely for himself – only dumb-dumbs pick miserable life partners. So when your co-workers ask you to go out for happy hour, you don’t say, “Ugh, I told the Old Ball and Chain that I’d be home early today.” Instead, you say, “Oh man, I’d love to but my wife is making dinner.” Now, there is a caveat to this rule. If you are completely in love with your wife and you’re wrapping the phrase “ball and chain” in blankets of irony, than have at it.
“IF THERE’S GRASS ON THE FIELD, PLAY BALL”
If you are saying or even thinking about saying this phrase, I will be more than happy to place a citizen’s arrest on you immediately.
THAT “GAY GUY” VOICE
I’ve seen guys get tangled up in this web of nonsense for years with no exit strategy. Not only is it horribly reductive and offensive to respond to something you find “girly” with a lisp and a z-snap-formation, I, for one, find it to be a total turn-off. I immediately question your intelligence, your sexuality and most importantly, your humor. That trick went the way of the dodo in the mid-’90s, so at the very least—in an effort to appear current—save the lisp for your Donald Duck impression.
Clearly this list is not fully comprehensive. Please add your “no nos” in the comment section. Together we will ship these boys into shape, one HelloGiggles article at a time.
Young businessman image via ShutterStock.