Dude, Don't Say ThatDeanna Raphael

Gentlemen, if you are deep into your thirties or beyond, I’m going to assume the cement has been laid and the damage done. But if you are a young impressionable man on the quest to define your identity, then this is for you. Here are a couple of phrases that you might be dying to take out for a test drive, but I’d prefer you file under “Nah, that’s not for me.”

“NOT THAT I KNOW OF”

When asked if you have children, please do not respond with a “not that I know of”. As tempting as it is to want to brag about your unstoppable promiscuity… As desperately as you’d like us to imagine you recklessly spreading your seed to women young and old who are powerless to your irrepressible sexual prowess… I beg you to reconsider your response. A simple “no” or “not yet” will do.

THE STOP, STARE & “SORRY”

This is the classic mid-conversation pause, followed by checking out rump of girl who walks by, and then resuming the conversation with a winded, “Sorry”.  Here’s the thing. We are all scoping each other out all the time—it’s fine. It may even be fair to say that men are more visually driven then women. I can cosign on that. But I am also well aware that I’ve been in conversations with plenty of men who’ve managed to discretely get their scope on without bringing it to my attention with a ticker tape parade. So if you’ve pulled this move on a girl, the reality is that you want us to know that you are all man. You believe the old “stop, stare and sorry” routine is proof positive that your testosterone levels are through the roof. For this reason, I keep a tightly sealed jar of baby pickles on my person at all times.  Popping the lid in a twist or two is a much more practical way to show-off your masculinity.  You’re welcome.

THE “BALL AND CHAIN” OR “MY OLD LADY”

There’s nothing more appealing than a man who loves his wife and doesn’t feel the need to flirt his face off all day long to prove to himself that he’s “still got it”. He sends a clear message to the world that he is happy. Not only is he happy, he’s smart. He’s smart because he has chosen wisely for himself – only dumb-dumbs pick miserable life partners. So when your co-workers ask you to go out for happy hour, you don’t say, “Ugh, I told the Old Ball and Chain that I’d be home early today.” Instead, you say, “Oh man, I’d love to but my wife is making dinner.” Now, there is a caveat to this rule. If you are completely in love with your wife and you’re wrapping the phrase “ball and chain” in blankets of irony, than have at it.

“IF THERE’S GRASS ON THE FIELD, PLAY BALL”

If you are saying or even thinking about saying this phrase, I will be more than happy to place a citizen’s arrest on you immediately.

THAT “GAY GUY” VOICE

I’ve seen guys get tangled up in this web of nonsense for years with no exit strategy. Not only is it horribly reductive and offensive to respond to something you find “girly” with a lisp and a z-snap-formation, I, for one, find it to be a total turn-off. I immediately question your intelligence, your sexuality and most importantly, your humor. That trick went the way of the dodo in the mid-’90s, so at the very least—in an effort to appear current—save the lisp for your Donald Duck impression.

Clearly this list is not fully comprehensive. Please add your “no nos” in the comment section. Together we will ship these boys into shape, one HelloGiggles article at a time.

Young businessman image via ShutterStock.

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  1. This is on the rant page @ the guy above, it’s only fair that it’s a rant.
    I completely agree with everything you said Deanna, if a man can avoid using those phrases then he will be seen much more as a gentlemen and be respected a lot more by women.

  2. Obviously Hellogiggles is open to EVERYONE but it is largely a women-driven site. That man who took the time to rant about all of that irrelevance clearly didn’t “get” the humor and ultimate truth that this article is. Good for him if he is the opposite of ALL of those things. Great! But the truth is, we are talking about the RULE here, not the exception.

  3. You guys are Fantastic and have super fantastic additions for the list! I can’t believe I left off “no homo” I actually just asked someone what that meant recently and was horrified with the answer. Thanks for weighing in!
    You guys are a bunch of “decent chicks” and guys who were really able to “man up” and throw down some “crazy” suggestions. Yours truly ~Douche Canoe :)

  4. Dude-whose-fingers-are-still-smoking-from-the-long-winded-essay-on-missing-the-point! It’s Hello GIGGLES! Not Hello, Get Defensive! Lighten up. Rock on Deanna!

  5. The gentleman above has great ideas, and points, but I don’t really think this is the website he is looking for. Hello Giggles, to me, is about putting out there what everyone is thinking. They do it in a fun, cheeky manor. While I appreciate what he is trying to suggest, there are tons of articles on just those topics. I come to this website to read articles that seem to have jumped from my mind into someone else’s article. Keep up the good work!!
    Also, EVERYONE needs to stop saying “Just sayin’.” It instantly shows us you are being rude, while attempting to defend yourself by putting the statement out there as a public opinion.

  6. (Guy above me is probably all of the things he accuses you of) – Otherwise, my input to your hilarious article is … When people complain about “not being able to meet any decent chicks” or “Everyone I’ve met is lame/crazy” – umm, hello? It’s probably YOU that’s not decent/lame/crazy ;) Just sayin.

  7. Dear Deanna Raphael,

    I apparently have none of the attributes listed above, except to be a 46 year old male, married, in love with my partner and with no kids. Interesting viewpoint, but consider this: your viewpoint is entirely phrased “in response” to males behavior and perceived injustices to the female gender. What knuckle draggers you must think of us, what beer guzzling, toilet-missing behemoths whose only peer rhymes with beer. Why, Deanna, might as well have the entire male population all sailing off to Charlotteville, Tobago, for a good round of piracy and rum.

    Unfortunately, we, and by we I mean the people reading this (men and woman), are left with reading something with no balance betwixt, no viewpoint from the other side, nothing built to bring people to understand the opposite sex. What we get instead: a “flaming up” of some sense of injustice. I can understand that…in some quarters, injustice sells viewpoint really well. But for the impressionable, it is a keen and bitter wind blowing in your short article that serves merely to divide without an answer. If you are embittered, divorced, or out of a bad relationship, or can never get into a relationship, well, that is a particular point of view that may serve quiet well in the short run. That is just human nature. But where is the growth? Where is the coming together in friendship that marks a great relationship between a man and a woman? The sort of friendship that mark how men and woman last and love in a decades long relationship?

    Ever see an old man and older woman in a marriage of fifty years lean against eachother in their old age? That is what a great relationship between a man and a woman is about and what people would love to see in their own life. How do you reach that relationship, that kind of success? What suggestions (did you ever ask yourself to stop and ask someone with that experience how they achieved an understanding with the opposite sex?) those people have about life, and understanding the opposite sex.

    As a suggestion: write an article in the future showing ways people can better work things out. Hey! Why not… countries hire diplomats – admittably with varying success – to work out differences between countries, what is so strange about writing articles that help people work out differences, but at a couples level or soon to be couple level?

  8. Referring to ex girlfriends as “crazy’… it takes two to tango so unless she is literally in a mental institution, your unimaginative insult only reflects badly on you.

  9. Don’t give out these tips! If douche canoes learn how to talk like great guys, how will we be able to tell which is which? Lol…I say that because I completely agree with your list. When guys say things like this, you know that they are not awesome.

  10. The expression ‘Man Up’ nearly always grates on me.

  11. “no homo” needs to go. there’s no point to it and it hurts people’s feelings.

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