There’s such a thing as comfort in chaos. Many a time when you’re the one with answers, it feels like being the star of a masterful ballet: you’re amazingly capable and can solve things others cannot. Thank goodness for your guidance or their world would fall apart. When we’re focused on someone else’s problems and take them on as our own, it almost seems altruistic: we are concerned, loving and helpful. And we have the answers they need if they would just take the advice. When we are wrapped up in someone else’s problems, something big and dramatic, it creates a pain-killer for all the feelings we might have about ourselves that we would much rather avoid. Perhaps the next time your focus is stuck in drama or find yourself repeatedly trying to solve another’s problem, stop to think, “What’s going on with me?”
How are you feeling and what are you dealing with? Kind of tough subjects to bring up with others because, eh, it feels trivial and boring, nothing compared to what others are dealing with and like you’re complaining, right? Wrong. Everything you have going on is valid and important, in fact just as important as anyone else’s drama. You just have to start acknowledging that to yourself. When we become the lifesavers for others, it can take a lot of precedent over our own “normal” problems, and what that ends up doing is telling us that we don’t matter as much, a bad message to send to one of your best friends: you. You probably just rolled your eyes, but it’s true. Be a good friend to yourself first. Get comfortable talking about yourself, your experiences, your problems and pain, and honor their worth. Do not brush them aside. Through that confrontation, you’ll grow to better understand who you are and in turn, you’ll be better able to truly help those you love. You’ll also be able to auto-protect yourself from other people’s drama that is bad for your health. Remember that pamphlet on the airplane: you must always come first.
It can be hard not to call out a train wreck in slow motion. You’re the one with perspective and how can you just stand idly by? It’s painful to watch someone you care about in pain. The irony of solving another’s problems is that you are often doing the opposite of helping. When you fix things, you remove the opportunity for people to learn for themselves, and often the best lessons are taught by missteps. Sometimes you have to tumble far enough down before you gain a vantage point on your solution. Even when a person is repeating the same problems over and over, one day for no particular reason the answer will hit them like a bolt of lightening. They’ll just “get it” and there’s nothing you can do to make them see it any sooner. It’s a weird thing but you can’t really know something until you just know it. We all have to get there on our own path. If it’s too hard to watch someone repeat their mistakes or too hard to listen to them repeatedly mourn them, it’s okay to decide you no longer want to witness it. You are not a bad person for cutting off something that causes you harm. To self-preserve is to self-love. Remember the pamphlet…
At the end of the day, we will decide what we can tolerate and what is important to us on a case-by-case basis. If you are a person with love and support to give, that is wonderful and you should not alter yourself if you are happy as you are. I don’t mean to suggest that we should stop helping those we care about. But when it comes to an attraction to drama, an obsession that takes us away from our lives, there’s something else at play. Something inside you, not related to the drama queen. Perhaps the next time you catch yourself dwelling on another’s life, another’s bad relationship, another’s money problems, another’s repeated tumbles, take a moment to ask, “How am I?”
Happy Sunday, love to you all! xoxo Sarah
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This post really speaks to me. Actually, all of your posts are very insightful and beautiful, but this one in particular, it’s just what I needed to read to remind me why I walked away from a friendship that sucked me into a lot of drama. Like you said, we should remember to preserve ourselves, and that’s what I’m gonna keep doing. That, and read your articles!
Thank you Engelin!
Thank you, Sarah, once again. I’ve been so guilty of this. My best friend and I say we both have ‘double standards’ and can give each other advice but not take it. At least we’ve both acknowledged it, I guess
! I really needed this reminder regarding all my different helpers, too, because I often forget that I don’t need to deal with their personal drama just because they bring it to work. I can’t do anything about it, no matter how intimate we are, so I must just live *my* life. Thanks so much, Jessi xx
True dat. Yeah it’s kind of a relief to let it go – esp when you feel like you are talking to people wearing headphones. Thanks for ur comment ! X
Loved this! What a great read.
Thanks Lauren!!
This is little different than watching “Breaking Bad” or “The Bachelor” or any other kind of “Entertainment”. It is a form of voyeurism or escapism but unlike what we watch on TV this is interactive. Much like a video game we have input but also like a video game there are no real personal consequences for a failed effort. Solving ones’ own problems, on the other hand, could have dire implications. I file this under “Human Nature” and I find myself neck deep into it at times.
LOL yeah human nature it is, my file is pretty big too in that category.
Wow, I really needed this. Thank you!!
Very glad Alex
Needed this today. My new mantra is “remember the pamphlet”
LOL nice! Love it
thanks Leah
I swear, 90% of the time I’m reading your pieces, Sarah, I feel like you’re talking to ME, like you know me and my weak spots and tell me what I need to hear. I don’t know how you do that, but I’m glad you do. I’ve said it so many times, but I do really believe you are the most insightful person I know (even through the Internet).
I think I am a good friend but it is unfortunately very true that I get wrapped up in others’ problems a bit too much and I find it difficult to open up about myself. “Be a good friend to you first”, on my noticeboard it goes! x
Awe Amalia that is so touching!! I think we probably have a lot in common that’s all
thanks for your comment as always! Xox
Another great read, thanks Sarah x
Thank you Leah!! Xo